Feeling crap

[Fab41]

Sorry if this is a ramble, I have fibromyalgia and get mixed up easily. I have had anxiety problems for a long time, and have not worked due to fibro for 20 months. I struggle to not feel useless and feel that life has little point to it. If it wasn't for ds I don't know where I would be.
I have been on citalopram since June, but I always struggle with side effects of meds and only take 10mg just now.
I saw GP on Friday and told him everything was ok, happy to come off meds etc but then on Sunday had a massive meltdown. Ended up crying most of the day, smashing up glasses and cleaning up with bare hands, talking about taking tablets, even checking I had enough.
DH is lovely, he has depression himself, but his mother was bipolar, and I know when he sees me go off the wall he just sees her, and doesn't know what to do.
I calmed down enough to talk to him, but just said how I feel I stop him having a social life. We live very rurally which doesn't help, but I struggle to stay up past 10pm. I have no friends who would call me to go out, I have tried school PTA, rugby club, sewing classes, but people don't know how to deal with chronic illness.
I know I wouldn't attempt suicide, don't know where that came from, I have arranged to see counsellor on Monday, and GP has said he wants to see me next week.
Just feeling lost, lonely and with an empty life. Crap really.

Perhaps a different medication would work for you better, if you are struggling with the side effects of your 10mg? It's easy to say to a doctor that you're fine, happy to come off meds, and so on, when you are sat in that little room and feeling the pressure to be ok - or is that just me?

Chronic illness and depression are real 'world shrinkers' - I love the idea of doing social stuff and having actual real life friends, but when it comes down to it I'm just not able to, at the moment. It's not your fault, just as it's not mine. You have a huge amount on your plate, just try to concentrate on the small stuff that matters (as I'm sure you do).

Hope you feel better soon lovely XXXXX

oh love, that sounds really tough.

Have you had any talking therapy? CBT can help with depression/anxiety and can also help with coming to terms with living with a chronic condition.

Thank you both. I have had a bit of counselling about a year ago, but couldn't afford to continue with it. I went to a pain management course for 8 weeks which was CBT based, and have also done mindfulness course.

Its as though I know what I should be doing but lack any motivation to do it.
I am seeing a counsellor on Monday and will go back to my GP next week. Trying to take it a day at a time, but have a stinking cold and throat infection to deal with too. Definitely feeling sorry for myself.