PND?

[Nightfall1983]

First time posting in MH - hope no one minds. I'm trying to work out whether I might be suffering from PND or if I'm "just" exhausted.
DS (DC1) is 12 weeks old, he's the most beautiful, amazing baby and he was (and is) much wanted and longed for.
We had a difficult ish start, labour did not go as planned and then attempts to EBF led to him being readmitted to hospital on day 4 which in turn led to formula top ups and long story short he is now exclusively FF and I still feel guilty (I know I shouldn't). Then in the last few weeks he has developed silent reflux which was diagnosed last week and he is now on meds. Subsequently he basically doesn't sleep unless he is in my arms. I put him down at night and he wakes once or twice an hour for reassurance. I'm beyond exhausted. I'm constantly close to tears, I feel like I can't cope. I feel guilty constantly for not looking after him well enough. I never feel like hurting him or myself. Sometimes in the night when he just won't sleep I do get fed up with him though, I never ignore him or treat him roughly, I just feel my sympathy waning an wish he'd shut up sometimes (feel so guilty saying that). So what do you think? Just exhaustion? If not what do I do? See my GP - what would I even say to him? I do not want medication. Argh feel silly just writing this, tempted to hit delete... Ok am going to bed now as DH keeping DS downstairs for the next hour but will catch up tomorrow...

Ok, firstly....You do not need to take medication, unless you want, they cannot force you to take it. They will recommend what would be good, and then you can decide.

Secondly, you did ace BF even though it was tough. Trust me, I know how hard it can be! As long as you are not giving him vodka and coke, try not to feel guilty.

Is your Health Visitor still visiting you? If not, and you'd rather speak to her than your GP, just give her a call and say you are worried about having PND. She or the GP should go through some questions with you, and they will be able to assess you properly.

I admit to telling my baby to shut up several times, I even screamed in his face once. I am now pretty much recovered from both PND and post-natal psychosis too (scary stuff). The help is out there, don't be afraid to ask. It is so important to let your doctor/HV know.

Have you spoken to your partner about this?

I kept saying, oh my goodness, oh my goodness, as I read each part of what you all have been going through.
If your DH is a work during the day, is there someone else who could come and give you a hand during the day, so you can get some sleep?

I cant tell from that whether it is exhaustion or PND as well. A GP would have to say for sure I would think. It could be exhaustion, but even then, a visit to the GP might still prove useful.

Part x post with Visualise.

I think you are truely exhausted and there has been so much happening that you just havent had the time to sort it all mentally. If its PND its hardly surprising after all that you have been through.

Do you have good family support? Could your mum come and stay for a few days to let you have a rest? You need to catch up on some sleep, take things easy and stop being so hard on yourself.

After I had DD1 I tried to bf but couldnt. I ended up ff her. With DD2 I just ff from day one. I didnt want to put myself through the stress again. But the guilt is awful sometimes. But I have to remibd myself that she is still getting all she needs.

Please do talk to your HV or GP. Dont suffer through it alone. Maybe just having someone listen to you talk might help a bit. Its understandable that you dont want to take medication.

Hello, I am in a similar position to you - have a nearly-5 month old, we were also readmitted to hospital in week one and he has silent reflux (on ranitidine). I did manage to carry on with BFing but largely only because I encountered many of the same issues with my first son who is now 3 years old, so I had a pump ready in hospital in week one etc. Your body suffers a kind of 'chemical bereavement' when you stop breastfeeding early (the body can actually think that the baby has died - there is some evidence about this online, if I can find it). Therefore stopping breastfeeding messes with your head, whether or not you rationally know that you are giving your baby a fine start with good formula. Can you co-sleep with your baby? Mine also feeds approx. every 30 mins, overnight, just tiny sips/reassurance which is very common with reflux. Co-sleeping is the only thing that keeps me sane, as you don't need to get up for the baby. I'm single, though, it may be harder with a partner, you also need to be sure you are not SO tired you could roll on the baby, be careful, but I find it much better for the two of us. The only other tips I would have is try to get out once a day, even just for a walk or to a mothers group, and try to do one thing for yourself. Like you, I feel terribly guilty for wanting the baby to shut up or telling him to shut up, but remember it's not the baby you are resenting, it is the lack of sleep. I hope things get better for you soon and in the meantime do not be hard on yourself x

Hi Nightfall, really sorry to hear you are feeling this way and have had a tough start with your lo.

I think if you are crying all the time and feeling like you can't cope then you do need to talk to a medical professional about it. What's your HV like? I had a really lovely one who was very sympathetic and supportive. You could either speak to her or to your GP. They will probably ask you a series of questions to assess how you are feeling.

There should be some different options in terms of what you do next. As Visualise said, noone is going to force you to take medication. A friend of mine went to a support group and found that really helpful. My HV used to come and visit me at home to offer support. You may be offered some counselling. I think sometimes just admitting you don't feel quite right can be a relief and help a little too.

I don't know what your reasons are for not wanting to take medication but I would say don't dismiss it out of hand. Sometimes it is appropriate and can just give you a helping hand through a difficult time.

Totally agree with previous comments about getting out, doing things for yourself etc. Try and get as much sleep as you possibly can. Can you give your ds to your dh for the night (or even better, a couple of nights) and just get your head down?

Didn't want to bang on about myself in this post but I have been pretty much exactly where you are now. Happy to share more about what worked/helped for me if that would be useful. Main thing is I would urge you to take that first step and ask for some help - this can and will get better.

Sending a rather un-MN hug too. Dealing with a refluxy baby is SO tough, remind yourself what a great job you are doing.

You sound knackered and stressed you poor thing. Don't worry, your baby knows you love him and you're doing a brilliant job looking after him. Do you go out and meet other mums at all? Mums and baby groups? Sure start? Maybe being out and about would help, just a bit of a break.

Just wanted to say thanks for all your replies. Can't type a long response right now but have taken it on board and will reply later if I can/tomorrow.

Hi Nightfall, just wondering how you are?

Hi sorry for the delay - having a spare 5 mins is a thing of the past I think (typing one-handed right now).

I have told DH about how I'm feeling as best I can. He is worried about me and I don't want to worry him more . He works full time but when he is home he is brilliant, both with the baby and general house stuff. Unfortunately we live far away from our family and are the first of our friends to have babies (we're not young, I'm 29 but our group are slow starters ) so there is no one else to help generally.

I saw one health visitor at 3 weeks and another at 6 weeks, I don't believe I am due anymore visits. I take him to the baby clinic to be weighed (quite regularly due to his reflux) and see a different HV each time there. They never ask how I am anymore so I guess I think talking to the GP would be easier. It's good to know that you don't think he'll look at me oddly or wonder what I'm talking about, I was worried about this.

I know this isn't important but it matters to me: I've never actually told DS to shut-up, I've just thought it.

The last few days have been a little better. My mum came to stay for two days, she took the baby at 8am and I stayed in bed for a proper lie-in. She also cooked, cleaned and generally took care of us all. DH always takes over one weekend night completely and I sleep in the spare room (advantage of FF I guess though that doesn't make me feel better about not BFing). I still wake when I hear him in the night but I'm happy DH is looking after him and can go straight back to sleep. DH has managed to take Monday off work and has offered to do another night this weekend so hopefully I can catch up a bit more sleep.

The extra sleep makes me feel far more cheerful. I've also noticed that my mood is directly related to how well the DS is feeding that day.