How do I stop my past interfering with the present and future?

[superstarheartbreaker]

I have had cbt but I still feel that my life is infused with sadness due to domestic abuse in the past. Am going to go on more citralopram but I'm not sure I can take more councelling. I want to forget the humilation and degradation; not relive it. I want to feel glad to be alive again andI want to feel that my life is not over and has not been ruined but tbh I would not have dreamt this life for myself and dd yet I have created it. I feel lost and sad. I don't really want to wake up in mornings.

First of all, I have not been through any of what you have been through. So I may not be the best person to answer this.
But no one else has so far replied so I will give it a try.

Do you feel you have worked through some of your issues with the cbt?

My guess, fwiw, is that having the sadness is normal after what you have been through, at least for a while. Maybe it is a little akin to grieving as well ,for what you have lost?

Can you talk here a little about what your life is like now for you, if you think that will help?

You can do cbt on yourself to carry it on, I have a book I can post to you if you'd like? But the jist of it is is to plan your day with nice things to do, even if it's half hour with a coffee biscuits and a book, plan your baths in it, plan buying yourself flowers and plan to see friends and go out for lunch.

Very keen not to be seen as being glib, here, I am so not! I am offering a different perspective I think!).

But I am wondering if there's any possibility in your mind that you can choose to walk away from all that stuff? Refuse to 'own' it any more.

There's a psychiatrist called George Vaillant who genuinely feels 'suppression' can be 'an effective coping mechanism'. He has written 'Of all the coping mechanisms, suppression alters the world the least and best accepts the terms life offers'.

He goes on to say 'contrary to what many psychologists would have you believe, simply suppressing a traumatic experience and getting on with business is the defensive style most closely associated with successful adaptation'.

I have no real experience of traumatic experience to have tested this against - or do I? Fact by fact I have had 'some stuff' but I guess I am fortunate in that I have been able, due maybe to my personality, to not see myself as the 'victim' of what happened to me therefore maybe that's why I don't feel traumatised by events. I don't know!

I am keen not to appear to be saying 'get over it!'- that isn't what this means, really- it's maybe more of an appreciation that it is an approach that one maybe could take! One can choose to take.

I do, however, call it my 'Fuckit' philosophy!

Bets of luck in whatever you choose to do!

I am liking the fuckit philosophy. Owning stuff is boring. I tend to go in cycles; fuckit, victim, fuckit, victim! I'm in victim mode atm!

Embrace your inner Fuckit!

Another strategy: About 20 years ago, abroad (where I was and had been living)- I met a bloke. Nice enough bloke but for some reason I completely fell for him. Bit odd, bit arty, bit disconnected. This was a mistake. My stoical, geddonwivit side said 'Do not engage, Do not engage!' but I kinda did. I went 'out' with him for 9, stupid, but sexually satisfying weeks . But I am ashamed to admit I began to -ahem- stalk him, just a bit. I sat outside his house in my car on evenings he 'wasn't free'- yes, yes, ' Not free'. oh yes, who is it, then? Hmm ..... He was feeding me, unwittingly, enough rope. Note, he didn't calculate any of this, it was all what I chose to make of it! Anyway, something deep within me said 'Enuff'. Remember I was abroad and away from 'home' etc though had 'A' support network, but not quite enough to really 'help me' without appearing a bit of a tit. Or so I (probably correctly!) felt.

I wandered into town of a Sunday. (He was 'busy'- in fact, gone out with a gang of old mates, horse-riding, I later discovered- I asked 'Um, didn't you think I might like to come, to which he said, genuinely nonplussed 'Why?'...) Anyway, I wandered through the 'self-help' section of a bookshop. I idly glanced at then picked up a book about 'obsessive 'love'. Complete nonsense, thought I, as I skimmed it, and skimmed it- til I was on page 35. Then I saw that it was talking to me. So I bought it.

I read the entire thing, rejecting that which did not apply, BUT I learned a great technique, The Brick Wall.

Idle thought... 'Wonder what Gary's doing now? I wonder if he'll call?'

'Wonder why he hasn't called, Surely he's not with someone else?'

< Fantastic! 10 more red bricks! I shall lay them neatly! First I shall dig some foundations as my wall needs to be strong. Great mortar! Nice effect!>

Gary, Gary, Gary

'But surely he...?,'

.. Wonder what my flat mates are doing?..

Aha.

Til my first 'Gary' thought was suddenly blocked by my wall.

Stupidly simple, very effective.

And incidentally, 2 weeks later met the bloke who is now the DH of 15 years....

I am really sorry if this all sounds stupidly simplistic- but I tell you what, it worked for me! I recognised that my Gary obsession was in no way, shape or form benefiting me, so I stopped having the obsession, via The Brick Wall.

Again, good luck!

Today is going to be a fuckit day for me. Fuck the past, it's not mine anymore. I'm over it ruling my life. Over it clouding my happy days and controlling my bad days. Fuckit. Sorry for the thread hijack!!