I realised that I just don't want to wake up anymore

[NotAChocolateRaisin]

I'm going to bed and the only thing I truly want is to not wake up tomorrow.
I've got plenty to wake up for, a loving OH and family, but it all looks meaningless and they'd be better off without me dragging them down anyway, especially OH.

I've not had a great year, I became estranged from my father, have struggled to find stable work all year and my mother has depression so I worry about her and her finances a lot. I love my OH but don't feel anything in our relationship - I just know the feelings are there, if that makes sense.
I used to be a rather bad self harmer but for OH and family I can't do it anymore but desperately desperately want to.
I'm clearly useless as my jobs keep crumbling around me (issues that aren't my fault but it keeps happening and surely can't be a coincidence anymore. Probably just excuses to get rid of me)
I feel tearful and panicky a lot and just wish I could hide in bed all day.
Sorry to moan, not very nice to read but it seems good to get it out instead of pretending everything is grand.

Who knows how you feel? Have you seen anyone about this in the past? When were you happy? What do you need to be happy?

You're not useless - we all feel crap sometimes. Life can be rubbish and draining and bloody hard work, but it can be good, or at the very leasy comfortable.

If you havent spoken to someone, please do. Go to your doctor, ask to see a therapist. Dont let them fob you off. It is not fair that you feel like this and it can be sorted.

I'm moving about so often for jobs I haven't been able to settle long enough to get to a doctors.

OH is the only one who knows and he doesn't know how to cope and just kept apologising saying he was a bad boyfriend etc and the more I tried to explain the more he took the blame and thought I was leaving him etc. I just feel guilty now for dragging him into it do have given up.

I genuinely don't know what would make me happy. As melodramatic as it sounds just staying asleep would work great for me in that front.

I'm sorry to lay this all out

Frontpaw has said it all, I don't have any original answers but your post struck a chord. I suspect OH cares but feels inadequate.

If you are in the UK please find a local surgery and register to see a GP.

Can you reach out to a close friend?

It's hard supporting a parent who's not well, do you have siblings? Whatever the reason for your estrangement from your dad for now focus on yourself, you can't carry your mum if you're not up to it.

The job thing needn't be any reflection on your abilities at all. Sometimes there's just a run of bad luck.

Do you have rl support?

No RL support really. OH is struggling and with me flitting from place to place (temp nanny work etc) I can't be put on a counselling list.
I appreciate the MN support though, thank you

If you are able to put down roots you could try and get some help, (sorry may seem completely impossible right now). I do wish you the best but honestly put yourself first, OH sounds like he's there for you. Things must feel hopeless now but this could be the first step to getting better.

Keep om here - the support network is very useful.

What is you routine - work, exercise, eating, leisure.... You need to eat well and exercise (20 mins a day even fast walk around the park). The chemicals in your body need to be balanced and good food and endorphins help this.

Negative thoughts: hairband on wrist: snap hard when you have 'bad thoughts'. This literaly snaps you out of it. Force yourself to think of somewhere/thing 'happy'. Try self hypnosis (i can explain if you PM me - I a rushing to get out the door right now).

I am a trained therapist (not doing it now, but still qualified) so can give you some pointers and tips! I have alsp suffered from anxiety and depression from childhood, so do know what you are going through. It gets better. This isn't 'you', this is you on a bad day (to paraphrase the bercola ad). Bad days will get fewer and fewer. Everyone had them but some people are naturally predisposed to have more. It can be fixed.

Chin up, keep talking, don't dwell on the dark stuff. Do at least one thing today for 'you' - get a crappy dvd and box of mateasers, or take a bus ride into town to see the christmas lights... Think about what is making you sad - for only 20 mins. Write it down if necessary. Only 20 mins. Thats all. No more, then its done for the day. As an unofficial MN therapist, that is my prescription! You have permission for only 20mins worry a day.

Ill pop back later.

Thank you for all of your help, I appreciate it. Will use your prescription and try it out thank you

Dear Chocolate

All the times I have felt shitty are the times I always end up seeing someone in a wheelchair or who are blind and it gets me thinking that my life is'nt half as bad . If you've been able to talk to your OH about how you have been feeling and he wants to help ( but maybe does'nt know how ) for starters just ask him to make you a nice cup of tea with a chocolate biscuit. This time of the year is the time everyone wants to hibernate but do see if you can get out of the house for that 20 minute walk in the park - try and see if you can do simple things like the walking ( it's free !! ) and remember work is'nt the be all and end all of life , are you creative at all ? you may discover talents you never thought you had if you take the time to look after YOURSELF Good luck with everything

Hello Chocolate, how are you feeling today?

Hello Pack,
I'm on and off. Had the trial day from hell with a family yesterday and I ended up walking out, for my own sanity and then was wracked with guilt and worry all night until I could speak to my agency in the morning. Explained how horrendous I was being treated and they are supportive so thats a relief.
Feeling better than the other day but still not great, perhaps the weather isn't helping.
My rabbits were being mental in the garden today though and that made me laugh so thats a plus!

Kept an eye out in case you came back.

Rabbits as good a tonic as any, glad you found something to make you smile. Agency stood by you too, they didn't give you a row. Hope next family is much nicer.

Glad to hear that you're feeling a bit better today, although I'm sure you didn't need to have a day like that. You did right walking out for the sake of your sanity and there's a lot to be said about self-preservation, especially the preservation of personal sanity.

I still can't picture your rabbits going mental, but I'm sure it's hilarious LOL. Well, at least something made you laugh .

Hi Chocolate how are you today?

Not good.
Was feeling alright until this evening and now I just feel hopeless again. Keep thinking about breaking off with my OH - I just don't feel anything in our relationship. I definitely love him and it'd kill me to see him with someone else so I can't help but think I'm just taking my bad feelings out on the one life situation I can control.
It would be much simpler to simply sleep though it all.
Have felt like this for years, don't know how people can live through it

I know you said about not being able to be in one place long enough for counselling but please try seeing a GP in the meantime. If not your old one then a new one in the area you are living now?

Can you find out where the nearest GP surgery to you is? If they are accepting new patients you can register there, even as a temporary resident if you don't think you'll stay in the area as long as 3 months.

They'll most likely ask for your name, address, date of birth and last doctor's name. They may ask for proof of identity like your driving licence or passport. Possibly your NHS number or card but if you don't have it with you it won't matter, you can still register.

Look Choc raisin you sound to me like you are describing the symptoms of depression and anxiety. I am no medic but am a sufferer of intermittent depression following severe episode 2 years ago, from which I haven't fully recovered. You seem to be finding reasons why you can't see a GP or get some help through therapy - preferably both. I think you should register with a GP asap and book an appointment - write down your symptoms in a list and give it to him/her or talk about how you feel. I don't know how you feel about ADs but for me they were/are a lifesaver.

As soon as I saw the title I knew that I have thought that many many times and on very bad days my head is full of suicidal thoughts. It's not that we really want to die, we want the pain to stop, and just go to sleep and not wake up.

Is being a nanny the best thing in the world when you are feeling as you do. Sounds horrendous to be trying to look after someone else's kids when you are feeling tearful and panicky. Can you not stop work for a while.

Please please see a GP - there is help out there. You need to give yourself "permission" to be helped.