Very worried about my friend

[Ironmaiden]

Can anyone advise me what to do.
I've a friend whom I've only known about 5 months, her baby is 8 months, mine is nearly 11 months and we met at a mums group. Although we've always got on well I don't know her terribly well as it's not been a very long friendship.
The trouble is that her baby was seriously ill in his first month and spent 4 months recovering and as a result my friend is very protective, almost paranoid about him.
He's slept in her bed every night since he got home from hospital at 1 month old and wakes up between 5-10 times a night looking for comfort and cuddles. He also vomits a huge ammount all day every day and is very prone to cying and whinging.
She has not slept a full night in 8 months, rarely leaves the house (no car and lives out of town), she admitted to me recently that she's sick of listening to her baby cry and is completely exhausted, some days she doesn't get dressed and other than doing the shopping she doesn't have any life outside the home.
I offered to take her ds for the day to let her sleep and have a bath etc but she refused point blank saying there's no way she'd let him out of her sight. She got a little glassy-eyed when talking about her life and changed the subject quickly.
I am very concerned about her and her ability to cope at the moment, I'm also worried she might have PND but I don't know enough about it to know for sure.
I think it's all stemming from her ds's bad sleeping and I have some books about sleep in children I am tempted to offer her but I don't want to annoy her or made her feel inadequate.
I wonder if I should just leave her alone but I'm so worried one day she might snap.

Any advice anyone?

hiya, i think your best bet here is just to be there as a 'listening ear', so to speak. lack of sleep is your friends main problem and that can play havoc with your life as we all know. i suspect your friend is the type who will just keep on going no matter how tough it gets, her child is the most important thing in the world to her at the mo, maybe she does't feel like she knows you well enough to let you help her out? you sound like a really caring , considerate person, maybe she will realise that soon and let down her defences a bit.

What about offering to simply be in her house, to let her go to bed, have a batyh etc, but so she feels she can come and check him whenever she wants.

if you could arrange some childcare for your baby for the day, you could then go and spend the day at her house, and give her a good break?

she definately sounds like she needs a break, but OTOH I can see why she is scared to let her ds out of her sight.

any chance you could ask surestart or homestart to pop in and offer some help
but let your friend know your intentions

having a child with sn i can understand how your friend doesnt want her child out of her sight at the moment

you sound like a good friend
just keep being there for her
and offer her support as you are
good luck
xxx

Would she allow you to look after her son at her house, while she went upstairs and slept?

Make it clear that you don't think she is odd for being so protective (even if you do!)

I had pnd, and was very paranoid that people were going to hurt ds, or take him away from me, or not give him back when I wanted him, and I used to find it very difficult to be out of the room away from him until he was about 6 months old. And he was never ill! So I can see how her son being ill could have traumatised her.

It probably isn't worth trying to persuade her to leave him with someone, the chances are she won't listen, but she might let someone in to look after him so she can look after herself a bit.

I'm can understand her not letting her ds out of her sight, I'm a guilty of that myself. In fact my second child appears much 'needier' than my first and it's made me worse.
I think colditz idea that you stay at her house is the best one, although I'm still not sure I could let anyone else look after ds.
Also the fact he was very ill makes things so much more complicated.
I'd start by making sure she has all the support available - health visitor, sure start etc. Then ask how you could help

Thanks everyone.
We r in Ireland so don't have the services you suggest. Also, unfortunately our public health nurse (irish hv) is away on maternity leave herself at the moment, I would definately go to her on the QT if she was currently working.

My friend's ds cries if she even leaves the room, he's a very clingy baby (as most are at 8 months at the best of times!) and I guess he's feeding off her anxiety too which is making him even more unsettled.
I would love to look after him in her house one day and I will try to make that happen, even take him for a long walk so she can chill out for a few hours but she's very insecure about anyone, even her own family taking him away.
I'm seeing her at mum's group tomorrow so I'll try to get the general conversation of the group to swing that way and see if there's strength in numbers!

So sorry to hear about your friend, Ironmaiden.

Maybe these people could help or give you some advice?
\link{http://www.pnd.ie/\Post Natal Support Ireland}

If she is at least getting out to the parent and baby group then that will be some help.