I am posting here in the hope that someone will be able to either reassure me that what I am feeling is normal, or signpost me in the direction of some clarity. I'm sorry it is so long, but I think I have one shot at writing this and don't want to have to come back to add bits I should have said to start with.
I am 9 weeks pregnant with DC2 and am worried as I am feeling completely underwhelmed and lacklustre about it. I am trying to unpick what it is about and find that there are lots of little contributing factors but none of which, on their own, can't be rationalised or just got a grip of. I think I'll just throw it all in, and see what someone might make of it. I am not normally an anxious person, nor have I ever suffered with depression or low moods, so this is very new and uncomfortable territory for me. In fact, I have just read my post back, and feel 
at sounding a bit of a precious Bambi about it.
This, just to start off on the right footing, is a much wanted baby. After a fantastic summer enjoying our small family of 3, we decided it would be lovely to try for a DC2. We were lucky to succeed at once, and I was thrilled for the first few weeks. We are settled and secure, if not particularly flush, and parenting DD1 has been a relaxed and rewarding delight. Yet now that it is really happening, I feel sick at the thought of it.
I was pretty ecstatic throughout my pregnancy with DD1. I suffered horrendously with nausea etc, but whereas I was able to roll with it then, this time around each bout of nausea leaves me feeling like I am panicking, at the edge of an abyss and wondering whether I should actually be doing this. I am not sure if it is just a more intense physical experience this time, compounded by being more tired, having a 2 year old, or whether those moments are windows to my real feelings about it, which is how I am experiencing it.
I had a difficult birth with DD1, but haven't given it much thought as I promised myself at the time that I would never have to do that again. Now that I am pregnant again, I am finding myself in a complete anxious spin about giving birth. I am talking driving far out of my way to avoid passing the hospital, feeling sick at the thought of my booking appointment next week. I am hoping to share some of how I am feeling with the MW, but I'm scared she'll think I'm just a wuss and tell me to man up.
A few months after DD1 was born, DP suffered a breakdown; he was under a lot of pressure at work (caring profession under pressure from cuts), and becoming a father brought up some painful issues from his own childhood, which he had never processed. This escalated into a psychotic episode which then petered out into a period of depression. It was a very frightening and lonely time during which I was really caring for two. DP has had some fantastic treatment (on-going counselling) and is now back to good mental health. I have not really talked much about this to anyone, and wonder if I'm still "sitting on" some of the anguish and desperation I felt back then.
I also find that I am obsessing about screening for everything you can screen for. Obsessing isn't really right, it's more of an avoidant thing; until I have had whatever test I decide to have, I am not allowing myself to 'connect' with this baby at all. I get crazy thoughts like; "DD is so perfect, you can't possibly be this lucky twice, something is bound to be wrong!" As a result, I haven't told anyone I am pregnant, no friends, not my family.
DP (who is so pleased to be a father again) is being very supportive and is really trying to understand what is happening for me, but I just don't know myself. I just feel no joy, no little secret tingle of excitement, just overwhelm and loathing, and I shudder when I feel my new, rather early bump.
Any one? I am hoping it is just hormonal and will disappear in a few weeks with the nausea, just as it started, but I am obviously worried about it perhaps being the insidious onset of something like antenatal depression. I'd be grateful for any insights.