Advice please - ED / Anxiety / Depression

[SingSung]

I'd be grateful for any advice.

I don't know how to get out of this spiralling routine and would appreciate opinions. After my last child was born I wanted to lose weight quickly, and lost about 6 stone quickly. My dh was telling me I looked ill but I felt great - weight about 8 st. That was about three years ago.

Since then I struggle to maintain it so have a ritual of using laxative tablets so I weigh the magic number. I don't binge particularly, but if I eat something with calories, like peanuts and a beer I feel so ashamed and have to get it out of my system. Because I take so many tablets it makes me feel physically grim, guilty and terrible as what kind of role model am I. My kids are all under five, but I have to stop this.

When the cycle hits its like a black cloud descends. I've always been anxious too I guess, sort of perfectionist.

Sorry for going on, but my question is how do I sort this out? I want to live a long happy life with my dh and dc's and certainly not pass on any dodgy relationships with food to my daughters in particular.

Is there a solution?

I am the same. I suffer anorexia and binge eating. Its hard to get out of the habbit. I have tried councelling and saw a dietician.
Have u spoken to your gp?

Sounds ridiculous but I don't have any issues to discuss with a counsellor - honestly... So really don't understand why I can't sort this out.
Has anything helped for you? How does a dietician help?
Sorry to hear you've the same problem - rubbish isn't it.

Hi singsung,
Have you contacted B-eat - an eating disorders charity? They will help you talk this through... they are brilliant.

I was eating disordered for about 10 years. It was my coping mechanism, I had no other support and it was all I had. Ime it becomes a habit as much as anything, you can't imagine how you can do without it. The feeling of having a full stomach is alien to you.. The feeling of feeling normal is alien...

I did overcome it. I do fall back on vomiting when times are really hard but only very rarely and it doesn't get out of control any more. I managed to beat it when I felt I really had the incentive to (good relationship and pregnant/trying for baby). I also got worried that I was actually going to really harm myself with all the vomiting. I had already damaged my teeth and was worried about my stomach. I just eventually managed to get my eating under control - eating breakfast, eating small amounts so not getting hungry and not getting too full. It gradually became easier not to vomit (I never actually used laxatives so sorry no help there - although I believe they can be very damaging to you if you abuse theym too much....) and I eventually just managed to stop...

If you don't feel you need counselling to deal with any specific underlying emotional problems, you may benefit from cognitive behavioural therapy? As I understand it that aims to change your behaviour and is more practical than talking therapy. B-eat would be able to talk to you about the options.

Hi Mildredm,

Thank you. Really thank you.

I read your email yesterday but have been thinking it through which is why I didn't reply sooner.

I'm going to contact B-eat tomorrow, it is precisely for the same sort of reasons you mention (wanting to always be here for my dh and children) that I know I have to sort this out. It's been bad recently, I've been taking twenty laxatives mid afternoon, so that I've basically purged myself by morning and dh doesn't know I've been up all night. It's the quantities I have to take to get the desired empty/ thin feeling now which worries me as web based research tells me that laxatives can cause horrific effects long term.

DH knows, but just not the extent of the problem. He loathes the weekends when, what he calls 'the dark cloud descends'...

Thank you again, good to know you've beaten it - and beating it!

SungSung
Mildred put me onto Beat as I posted about losing control but but purging instead of laxatives.

I totally get the dark cloud, for me it's like going into a tunnel where I can only go forwards.

I am literally doing one day at a time. Today is my second day in a very very long time that I've eaten and left it there.

Losing a lot iof weight and doing it quickly was my problem too; I never wanted to be fat again but somehow I couldn't find the willpowe to starve again so vomiting seemed a clever answer.

I hate the spiral, I want to be free again so I am going one day at a time. I feel jumpy and wired but I am so close to TWO DAYS that I will go to bed in a minute and that will be day two ticked off.

All the very best to you

Hi Smiffle,

Nice to hear from you - sounds identical.

Well done on two days. I'm with you on the spiral, when I manage to do a few days, or sometimes a couple of weeks, it can almost be further to fall when I do fall off the wagon.

Is this two days with Beat 'support'?

I was confessing all to my dh a couple of days ago as a way of owning up and moving forward - had to admit that I'm 'normal' as long as the scales say the right thing each morning. Slightly over and the cloud arrives and I find my to a pharmacy for pills.

Good luck - I hope this is your route to freedom!

Hi! Yes and no, I didn't call them, but I spent hours reading their stuff and taking loads of notes and actually I am hoping that this positive feeling all last. I think now I have reached that point where I just want to be better more than I want to be thin.

So brave to confess all to DH, that must be a real support.

I am learning that purging and lax abuse is making the situation a million times worse as all the cravings are intensified by losing the good nutrients. Writing that makes me sound like a total idiot, even my dcs would be gong 'derrrr' at such a statement of the bleeding obvious, but really, I am so messed up on this!

Thanks, and I hope so too. I am literally going to to a day at a time, an hour if need be and just be kind to myself. When I starved a few years ago after a lifetime of chubbiness, it was the most wonderful and powerful feeing ever.

My dh also said I was too thin. got under 8st, walking on air (living on it too!). Thought I looked amazing, kept all the tiny size 6 clothes, every day I look at them and feel like such a failure, have put back two stones from a combination of meds and cake, and I want another magic bullet.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that there just isn't one. I can't get on the scales as it becomes the indicator of how I feel that day, and I want to get my self-esteem from my work, my kids, myself. Not bloody numbers that inch up and down nd make me feel like shit.

So sorry for rambling on, it's like a burst dam with me now I've actually confessed to bulimia here on MN, already I feel like there is hope and I can just creep my way towards freedom.

Here if you need me...

Hi Smiffle,

I think you're my mirror image.

The only time I've ever seen dh cry was when I was under 8 st. But I felt happiest... I'm nearer 9 and a half at the moment. I think I could probably reign myself in if I was under 9... but as you say, it's the clothes in the wardrobe. I wonder if I should bin the size 6 - 8's and be happy with a size 10, but I can't. I just see lumps and bumps and wobbles everywhere.

Completely agree, this is a thoroughly illogical 'disease'. From what I've read, the first part is the worst. Whenever I've gone 2 / 3 weeks without in the past my stomach gets really bloated and my 'guts' don't work, ie, I don't think I can go the loo without laxatives.

So, day one today. Here we go again. I'm watching you with admiration!

Likewise, if you need me, just yell. It's really good to know that I'm not a freak and that there's someone else going through the same.

SingSung - either you're not a freak or we both are...!

I spent decades gazing wistfully at size ten - had to buy some earlier this year and nearly died of shame. Back in 8 now, just, but honestly? I feel like Hattie Jacques.

I did do laxatives when I was being skinny, I felt clear and light, I can completely see the attraction. Freaked myself totally out though as like you I thought I'd broken my digestive system and it would never work again.

I started running again earlier this year and then having a green smoothie afterwards and I was like clockwork, never been so relieved in my life! Have been a bit less rigorous recently but it seems ok now...

Day one, wow. You really want to stop? We must have some amazing reserves of strength somewhere! I am wobbling along literally hour by hour, trying to distract myself with work and inviting nosy people round for coffee at red-zone times.

Just another day then that will be three and that will feel like something precious I don't want to break.

Forward, freakily!

Hi Smiffle,
How are you getting on?
I've managed three days so far and feel horrific. Bloated and yuck. It's literally an hour at a time. Had the pills in my hand and throw them down the loo so I almost feel empowered as I managed to not do it.
Hope you're ok?!

Just wanted to add some words of encouragement. The first ten days were the hardest for me, and I still relapse sometimes but nowhere near as badly as I used to. You can beat this :) x

SirBoobAlot,
I love your name!
Thanks. Effing nightmare isn't it, but so good to know that you've succeeded.
I'm beginning to think that half the issue is allowing oneself to sink occasionally, or to put it another way, one slip doesn't mean you're back to permanently purging again.
Congrats to you!

SingSung, how sweet of you to ask! Am doing pretty well, had a blip on Sunday because I got ravenously hungry and lost both the plot and my phone. Long walk, no breakfast, even longer walk trying to find it, hence not being around for a while but got it back now and I'm trying the forgiveness nit beating myself up approach and it seems to be working as I've been fine since. Still aware that I could just give up but I'm thinking that once in a week versus three to five times daily has got to be a step forward!

I really hope that you're feeling empowered still, and that the bloat is going down. It will eventually! How are you feeling? Have you got lots to distract you?

Are you worried about Christmas? I really don't get on with my inlaws and this year I am determined not to react and end up self medicating with turkey and plates of Stilton!!

Hope all is well.

Inappropriate post, JGunner.