feel I've f***ed my life up! is there a way out?

[me23]

brief history: came from working class family, dreamt of uni from young age got myself into a good one 3 years ago, then everything in my life went wrong mum died of cancer, long term relationship finished, met an idiot got pregnant he messed me around left! left uni when pregnant then realised I wanted to go back so arranged to when baby was brn. when dd born could'nt even wash my hair, read newspaper let alone study! so didnt go back.
now I've realised 10 months on I'm pretty sure I have pnd been too scared to admit to myself or anyone else.
I feel like im worthless no point to anything and I will never get anywhere.
I want to be at uni/get a job instead Im on benefits which is not how i was brought up family always worked.
but I feel trapped the smallest tasks seem impossible let alone sorting my life out.
I feel tense and im irritable all the time and very snappy i cant stop it.
Will I ever be able to get my life back on track?

I feel so alone

hey me23
I remember the feeling well enough. I gave up an engineering career to be a single parent. Was not too impressed with the outlook at the time either, thought I'd been cheated out of so much, not just a wife. Looking back, its the best thing that ever happened to me - have definately changed for the better. Its all a question of perspective, which does come, sometimes in the simplest things, take care.

hi I havent recieved it, my email prob bit slow x

thankyou singledad, im glad things have worked out for you, i'm hoping with time i will gain more perspective and can be more proactive

They will, everyone on here will tell you that I'm sure, and that you just have to stay focussed on the things that are important here and now, the future will take care of itself.

how old are your kids if you dont mind me asking? how do u find time for yourself?

oh wow i'm gonna sound old here but my eldest is now 18, then 16 and 14. And I was left with them in 1995, yeah honest, that long ago. At first i hated seeing all the happy marrieds taking them to school, but just got on with it. And have plenty of time for myself but spend most of it working doing all sorts of stuff. and not an oil rig in sight, which is kind of how i was left with them.

Ok, have been thinking, at first, when youngest was just a toddler had no time at all for myself. Just kept going round doing one thing after another and never looked any further ahead than what had to be done next. Didnt want to think any further ahead, but just got on with it thru lack of choice, but still - wouldnt change a thing.

me23 - if you're on benefits, then you can get free courses (HND, HNC) at your local CFE, or free Open University. Check the OU out, they provide a very high standard of teaching and courses are great fun.

I agree with everyone else, life doesnt go according to a set plan, you havent f*cked up at all. Hope the ad's start working soon!

me23, just wanted to tell you things will get better hang on in there.

It is early days for you and the first thing you need to do (and you're doing) is deal with the PND. Good for you.

If you still want to go to uni you can.
I went as a single parent when dd was 3.5 (and I was 23). I did a BA followed by a MA and although it wasn't easy I had a great time and am always so glad I did it.

Good luck to you :)

thanks singledad, 3 kids close in age wow wat can i say fantastic that you coped.
i do want to enjoy her now because it will go so fast i know, just waiting for the cloud to lift..

just saw the other messages thanks a lot, i hope the ad's do there job soon so i can see things how rthey really are, not just doom and gloom.
they are disrupting my sleep though which is annoying.
thanks for all the support x

me23 did you check your junk mail?
I had decided i would rather do a course first instead of going straight back ito work but when i asked at the job centre the woman told me they no longer fund for child care while you study. I was a bit surprised and was very sceptical that she was telling the truth and it completely put me off the idea... but i know the govt are trying to get mums back to work so perhaps she just didn't explore all the options with me? She was very pushy about the fact that I would be better off financially if i went back to work, and managed to prove it to me on the computer using a hypothetical situation.

hi bourneville, how are you today? I'm ok didn't sleep well again though. I got your email I sent a reply I'm not suprized the job centre tried to put you off a course, they just want to get you back to work asap if they can.
I know for certain I need to do a course/uni bdefore getting a job because right now i don't have the skills or experience to get a job thats worth my while.
I know if you do a part time course you can still claim benefits and you can apply to the colleges access fund for help to pay childcare,
what sortof course do you want to do?

hi me23, i'm ok, how are you too? now at my mum's, on our way to my grandad's tomorrow. will be tiring but a change is as good as a break as they say!

got your email... :)

was thinking about what i said about grieving process & how it relates to you - you will be grieving a huge loss, having lost your mum and also having got pg before you had finished uni etc, so your life suddenly stood still i'd imagine at that point and prob feels like you just won't get it back. Well - you won't - but a new life has begun and you just need to say goodbye to your old life and adjust to this new life. far, far easier said than done esp when you're exhausted, no freedom, etc etc... but as your dd gets older it will get easier, at least it did for me...perhaps take little steps at a time, like choose 1 goal first eg find a m&t group near you (I'd be happy to come with you the first time if you're not confident enough, i hated walking into new places on my own when dd was a baby which is why i didn't really get out there either.)

anyway hope all that's food for thought.

yes it was food for thought, made a lot of sense, regarding my mum I haven' really grieved for her I was 8 weeks pregnant when she died, so I had to be strong for baby and also I just used the pregnancy as an escape and avoidance of confronting the void mum left.
I know this sounds a bit strange but i also didnt grieve for my old life or really think that life would be over because although I knew I was having a baby I was just 'doing' the pregnancy the end result my baby and the huge impact it would have on my life just didnt compute into my head somehow iyswim.
I'm ok bit bored, I'm not sure bout the m&t thing I just dont think they're for me feel like a div! esp at the rhyme ones
have a good weekend!
hope you install msn soon
speak soon x

That is really sad about your mum. Having a baby is huge in terms of your relationship with your mum, i have realised so much about how i feel about certain traits in my mum, the way i was brought up etc. It must be so hard to have lost your mum at such a crucial time. I can totally see that a pregnancy would take her place so easily! I haven't experienced that sort of bereavement personally, but i'd imagine you probably really needed to talk it through with someone and you wouldn't have even had a chance to think let alone talk what with everything going on!
And re coming to terms with life being over etc, 9 months isn't long enough to prepare for such a huge change! I was different though, i felt like my life was over as soon as i found out i was pregnant! So perhaps hard though it's been, i have also had a few pleasant surprises realising that life is going on, if that makes sense.

i must say i absolutely hated going to m&t groups at first, it felt like a completely different world, like i didn't belong. plus i felt so conspicuous cos dd was so clingy & a wimp! (and breast fed v frequently). but I got used to it and perhaps because dd is older and really enjoys it. I must say i never made any friends at any of them and have resigned myself to that (at first i was hoping to get chatting, now i just go for dd's sake and to get out of the house, it gives the week a routine and focus).
So perhaps that can wait for you... :)

Hello me23,do you realise how well you are doing?life is really tough,you are doing great.uni will still be there when you are as old as me,im 37 with 4 kids and no cash,but retraining!

HUGS!!

hi thanks kimi and optimistic- good luck with the retraining what are you hoping to do?
Bournville - you have basically said how i feel about losing my mum at that time, Having a baby has made me appreciate her even more, all the things she did for me, how much she loved me, I could be a right ungrateful bitch when i was younger. I just wish she could have lived longer because our relationship wopuld have been so much better and I would have been able to show her my new found insight and appreciation of her
Another night of crap sleep last night just hope it wears off once I've been on the ad's a bit longer.
Have a great weekend, I have my cousin and her kids coming tomorrow, my 2nd cousin 14 year old is going to stay over, she's at that moody stage, so that should be a barrel of laughs lol! will try to have fun with her though x