feel I've f***ed my life up! is there a way out?

[me23]

brief history: came from working class family, dreamt of uni from young age got myself into a good one 3 years ago, then everything in my life went wrong mum died of cancer, long term relationship finished, met an idiot got pregnant he messed me around left! left uni when pregnant then realised I wanted to go back so arranged to when baby was brn. when dd born could'nt even wash my hair, read newspaper let alone study! so didnt go back.
now I've realised 10 months on I'm pretty sure I have pnd been too scared to admit to myself or anyone else.
I feel like im worthless no point to anything and I will never get anywhere.
I want to be at uni/get a job instead Im on benefits which is not how i was brought up family always worked.
but I feel trapped the smallest tasks seem impossible let alone sorting my life out.
I feel tense and im irritable all the time and very snappy i cant stop it.
Will I ever be able to get my life back on track?

I feel so alone

Firstly
You haven't fucked your life up. You cannot predict these things that happen in life, they just do. You really mustn't beat yourself up about it.

You should be giving yourself a massive pat on the back for bringing up your dd on your own.
Having a child is a huge life changing thing and face it alone must be very scary and challenging but you've got this far...

If you think you have PND, maybe you need to speak to your gp or even H/V if you feel you can. They will be able to advise/help you.

As for uni, what changes and help would this bring?
Do you have family or friends who could help out with childcare arrangements?

This is a temporary phase in your life, you will have the energy and focus to go back to uni and finish when the time is right. Is it a modular course? Could you go and do one module to try to get back into it without feeling too much pressure. You may feel better about everything once you make a change and start doing something for yourself again.
I have found having a baby really tough and being on your own I can't imagine how tough. I guess it does get easier as the baby gets older and is less needy of constant attention and entertainment and lets you sleep longer. DS is now 13 months and I'm already finding it easier.
Sounds as if maybe you still havent dealt with the death of your mother either.
Agree - if you think you have PND you should talk to someone about it.

Thankyou for the replies, after I wrote it I realised I need to see doctor, because think I need some help with way I'm feeliong, I managed to get an appointment today so this is brief as i have to go, I will let you know what he says later
thankyou x

good luck. There will be a solution. x

just lending support - I went to HV today and admitted that I think I have pnd - feel so relieved. Let us know how you get on at docs. You have done the best thing!

me23:

1. You're OK.
2. You have a chemical imbalance that can be treated and even if you decide not to take anti-d's, it will lift.
3. University is always there, and you will find a way back in somehow. You've all the time in the world.
4. You are bringing your DD up with lots of love and you will be proud of her, just as your mum would be proud of you now. The benefits thing is just something that happens now and then and there but for the grace of god go all of us. It will pass.

Hope the dr appt goes well. sending {{hugs}}

Do you belong to NCT or go to any coffee/creche groups? Try out the local library for clubs/groups. I think it will help to talk to other new mums and realise that you're not alone and that no-on else is judging you as badly as you are judging yourself...

me23, you're never alone, however bad you feel. You're really brave coming on here and admitting how you feel and you've made 2 big steps, 1st posting and 2nd seeing the doctor. YOu're setting a really good example to your dd. I agree with what everyone else has said, meet other mums, speak to your doctor/hv (which you're doing). There's no shame in being on benefits if you need them, that's what they are there for. And you've got the amibition to do well, but do it all in your own time. Focus on yourself and your little one.

Firstly would like to thank everyone for their supportive words I really appreciate you all taking the time to post.
Also nice to know some people don't think I'm a lost cause even though I feel that way myself.
Glad people haven't been judgemental abouit the benefit situation I don't want to be viewed as a stereotype. I've been to mum abnd baby thing a few times and felt like i was percieved as a teenage single stupid dolescrounging mum!
{I'm 24}, anyway because I'm down at the moment it's also hard to open up and meet people iyswim.
Went to doctors she was very nice, I explained all my symptoms and she said it was Pnd and has given me anti d's Citalopram 20mg, she said to take them for a month then come back to see her.
she said thet should start to work within a week.
I hope they do, I also hope I don't get any side effects.
has anyone suffered pnd here?
has anyone taken these tablets?

hi me23, I never had PND but wanted to add a post of support as some of what you said resonates with me. I got pg aged 26 from a drunken one night stand and I still haven't come to terms with how stupid I was and I have bouts of feeling like a real disappointment to family etc (and to myself) and like I've f*cked my life up and closed off all my options. Two of the jobs I did were very worthwhile managerial ones and i just shake my head sadly thinking about where i ended up, but when i feel like that,I tell myself that having a baby isn't 2nd rate to anything else - career, uni, etc - it is the most valuable thing you can be doing! Put your heart and soul into it while you need to, and think about your next step for you (career/education wise) when your baby is older. That's what I'm doing, anyway, of course it might not be right for you. I know some people have said that returning to work helped with their PND. I am on benefits and a SAHM because i decided that was what was best for dd (and me) and will be thinking about going back to work in the next year or so (she is 2.7 now) and will think about my options then. You have all the time in the world. :) It sounds like you have done so well with your life so far getting to uni and now you are doing one of the hardest things one can do in life (have a child, especially alone). It is so easy as a SAHM to feel isolated and worthless, isn't it? What we do isn't visible in society - at least not in a direct way! (In actual fact we create society!)

i'm waffling, sorry....good luck x

bourneville thankyou, yes our situations do have similarities, Its good that you are feeling good about it. I wish I could think like that.
I have thought I would like to be working,and that would help me with pnd, and help ease financial worries but don't have any experience (been student only thing I know) so I wouldn't be able to get a good job don't know where to start!
Also i have a partner who I met when i waqs 7 months pregnant and he helped me but things are very rocky with us right now, on verge of leaving me. just thought id say coz I give impression i was single, aslthough I live alone etc..

dunno if anyone reading this has seen other threawd about dd dad turnign up last night and buzzing non-stop on door for 30 mins.
kast thing i needed. I took tablet before bed and woke up at 2.30am and couldnt really get back to sleep, don't know if it is the tablets or not.

dunno if anyone reading this has seen other threawd about dd dad turnign up last night and buzzing non-stop on door for 30 mins.
kast thing i needed. I took tablet before bed and woke up at 2.30am and couldnt really get back to sleep, don't know if it is the tablets or not.

it's not impossible that the tablets could make you sleep badly till your body gets used to them, but given the evening you had, I think it's more likely to have been the stress of having your ex around that did it.

me23 i'm not single either! :) boyf been with me since i was pg, in fact a month before i found out... amazing he stuck around. been a roller coaster ride too and tbh i suffer from a lot of anxiety over it.

I do often feel like going to work would really help me too, i hate it when my mind goes into overdrive worrying about stuff when i've got a particularly quiet day indoors all day. Working would help that of course!

Didn't see your other thread, sorry to hear about your stressful evening :(

You are still so young - don't despair.
I took citalopram 20mgs for 18 months after my ex-H left me & the children. It really helped. Took about 3 weeks for it to kick in. If you feel nauseous - take them before you go to bed in the evening.
Once you start to feel better again, then you can get back on track at uni.
Big hugs to you.

yes italianjob, probably was because of the stress.
bourneville that's great your you and your partner were able to carry on. I hope me and boyf will be ok but it doesnt look likely.
wish i could rewind a few years and do things differently.
Doesnt help that I don't have any friends either. gos I sound so pathetic

it's so easy to fall off the social radar once you have a baby. a lot of us on here have been through it. the first few months, anyone that suggests you meet them at a specific time for lunch or coffee might as well be suggesting a day trip to Mars. it's not easy to make good friends, all you can do is try and get out and make more acquaintances, and hope that the odd one develops into something more meaningful.

thanks bugsy2 just saw your message. Good to hear a positive story about the a/ds hope they work for me. glad you are ok, must have been hard when your exh left.
thanks for the hug sending one back.

thats true italianjob, lost my uni mates, and other good friend who has 5 year old couldnt make effort to see me seemed to forgot how difficult it is with young baby to go anywhere. plus on top of that is depression which alienates you even further, beacause you don't want to go out and feel unable to be yourself etc.

hi me23.
i caught up with another of your threads from a month ago mostly about your partner. Am I right that you live in London - cos so do i! It would be so good to chat about the downside of being a single mum with a boyfriend, i have always found it very hard on mumsnet to find anyone in a similar situation! People always seem to think the boyfriend should be settling down with you and playing dad whereas boyf and i just want to lead a normal relationship and let things progress naturally, and i under no circumstances would expect him to settle down before he is ready. (And I'm not ready either anyway!) Otherwise people are already settled with 2nd partners(step families) ...

hi bourneville, yes i do live in london, whereabouts are you? im in central london, yes it would be good to chat!
was it the 'he wants to leave me' thread? im so pathetic aren't i?
anyway heres my email [email protected]
it would be good to chat with you about stuff x

cool, i will email you soon, don't want to say specifically here where i am in case i get recognised by people i know! Though it wouldn't be hard to recognise me anyway!

Yes it was that thread. You're not pathetic, it was all perfectly understandable given that you have no other support or life other than baby. I find that I feel healthier & happier in my relationship when I am busy and happy in the rest of my life, it suddenly doesn't really matter then how often i see boyf or what he's up to (assuming all is well between us of course).

ok cool, you are right about having other things in your life etc.. that is what i need. never thought about been recognised on here but then again i dont have any mates to recognise me so wat am i saying lol
speak soon im on msn too x

just sent a brief email. It's just that i have told quite a few people about this website, not that many of them would be interested enough to look it up, i have only 1 mum friend.

It is so hard to have other things in your life when you don't have the freedom to have it! So "your life" does have to be mostly about dd. I found it was a grieving process in a way, grieving everything you have lost and accepting a new life which of course is mostly about dd. I still haven't figured out how to accept it, the mind boggles when i think this is it! I am happiest when i keep busy, going to playgroups and to library sessions, so there is a rhythm to the week and also it's sort of easier to focus on dd when i'm out and about rather than lounging around at home. Harder with a baby i know, I didn't do much in terms of going to groups when dd was a baby and I kind of regret it now.