long, inarticulate ramble, sorry

[monkeytrousers]

After weeks of trying to get DP to give me his banks statements so I could apply for an access fund at university to help with money for extra childcare, books, materials and travel and everything really - out 1500 pounds - as I try to do a decent job of my dissertation that needs to be in on may 5th, I finally found them last night (he didn't give me them) took them in today to find that they closed the find this morning.

I just wasn't prepared for how badly this would hit me. I am trying so hard to get a 1st so I can qualify for a scholarship after I graduate and DP, although great in other areas, just won't support me in this - case in point with the fund. Although it wouldn't have made it easy it would have made the next month easier so I have no idea why he didn't want me to do this. I'm trying to think of a positive reason but I can't come up with one. Now all I can think is of how desperately hard it's going to ge in the next 5 weeks as I try to do all my work in the one and a half hours I have free after DS goes to bed and before I need to go to bed to be up at 6 in the morning.

DP doesn't seem to understand how important this is to me, that if I get a 1st and then get a schol;aship it will change the course of my life - and so much for the better for all of us.

I'm sorry, I'm just feeling really sorry for myself. I've had to fight so hard for everything. I left home really early to escape from an underclass nightmare and it just doesn't get any easier, I just feel tired and miserable. I can't help just wondering what the point of even trying is when everything is so difficult. I'm not from the sort of background where people went to university or even dreamt of doing an MA or Ph.D. I've only got 5 weeks to go and am so scared I'm going to blow it. And I'm so sad that DP won't support me just that little bit more when it would help so much.

,so sorry you are having a rough time.Studying is hard enough without this extra pressure.
There are other funds (not sure what you are doing,but there is a website which lists all grants,bursaries and so on)

I would suggest that yuo keep a lid on all this for the next five weeks,don't waste any emotional energy on fighting,save it for yourself.
Once you hAVE PUT DOWN THAT LAST EXAM PAPER,(oops) this is the time to tackle him.

You are not going to blow it, you have grit drive and determination.

Is it possible that he is afraid of the changes a 1st would bring to your lives, is he afraid being left behind ?

that sucks re funds mt!

try not to stress/panic, 5 weeks is & isn't a long time - ie you can still get loads done, but it'll be over before you know it! can you get dp to take ds off your hands more, so freeing up study time (just temporarily)?
good luck mt!

MT you wont blow it...you have got this far. Stay positive .DP may have his own reasons for not helping with your success but just rise above them for the greater good.
I know the next few weeks will be hard but after that !!! i have just had a baby and 5 weeks goes in a flash! Keep strong keep focused and keep thinking about announcing to the world about your scholarship

Thanks everyone. I've just had a mammoth nap with DS and feel a bit better, not so weepy and pathetic anyway. I don't know what it is with DP, he's not usually like this at all but your right that I can't waste my energies on this now. I probably am panicking a bit anyway and would like in my deepest darkest recesses to have an excuse if I do fail. I won't blame DP if it does happen though - I am scared of the work load but the only way past that is to get stuck into it. x

MT, that really does suck. I'm so sorry. Is a bank loan feasible, just for the next month? You could SO do with some childcare.

No MI, ostensibly DP said he didn't want it as it would mess up our Tax credits, which at the mo are negligible anyway, but then he said it was humiliating having to rely on charity, to which I said f*ck that, it's there to help us and we should use it. It's just so not like him as he's more than a pragmatist then me! A loan is out of the question, he's already doing hissyfits because I haven't reduced my student overdraft.

I dunno, there used to be a dynamic of saviour/saved early on in our relationship (him the saviour me the saved) and as the years have gone by I've became much more confident. Maybe he is a bit threatened..

It does sound it, a bit. What's his experience of further education been?

He's a graduate, just missed a 1st and has his own business and is very well respected so it's all a bit odd. Maybe it's his time of the month, eh?

Two things spring to mind. One is that point you've raised of your respective roles - you're moving out of yours. And that is threatening.

The other is that as someone else who 'just missed a first', other people's firsts are damn threatening!

agree with MI

sorry to hear this you sound so worn out in your OP

WE'LL all be proud of you when you get your first

Thanks Enid, fingers crossed!

I averaged 70% last semester and while that is a first I can still blow it in the next few weeks. I only have one exam so it's all riding on my assignments and dissertation. TBH, I just can't be bothered to speak to him at the mo, I just want to strangle him!

Going to try a new strategy where I go to bed earlier and get up even earlier - I'm much better in the mornings than I am at night.