Scared of engaging with therapy?

[fluffydressinggown]

I see a psychologist and my CPN once a week each. I have been unwell this year and had two hospital admissions linked to periods of significant self harm.

I feel like I am kind of wasting my therapy sessions. They ask me how I am and I always say 'I'm OK' I don't know what to say. My therapist calls me on it and we do discuss that I am probably not OK. I think I am scared of saying anything or tapping into what I feel like because I am scared of what will happen if I get properly upset again, of what I will do to myself. I have told him this.

But I know that I am running on empty, at some point my feelings will come out if I don't talk about them. I am just terrified of fucking everything up. It is so hard to live with what I have done to myself, every day I have to live with the consequence of my self harm.

I feel like I come out of therapy wondering what I have actually really said in the past hour and I feel like I have things to say but I am not sure how to say them. I do keep a diary but even in that I am unsure what to say. I cried driving home today but I had no idea why. I feel almost embarrassed being upset in front of my therapist even though he is nice and I have been seeing him for 6 months now.

I keep feeling like everyone is going to tell me to pull myself together, or that I am better now because I don't self harm and I clean the house and go for coffees. I still can't work though which is sole destroying. And then so many people are waiting for therapy and I am dicking around not doing anything. Ugh.

Have you tried cognative behaviour therapy ?

No, I am not doing CBT.

I only ask because some of the things you said strike a chord with how i feel sometimes, and i know a lot of it is because of how my mind has learnt how to cope with things. This learnt behaviour is not always the right way of coping so that is where CBT comes in to sort of retrain your brain,so maybe worth finding a therapist who specialises in it. I hope you feel better really soon its not a nice way to live xx

I am not having pure CBT because it is not the right therapy for me, although my CPN and therapist (a clinical psychologist) do use CBT techniques with me. All my care is through the NHS which is where the guilt comes in I guess because lots of people are desperate to be seen by the CMHT.

I am just so scared about going back to the self harm I was doing but then I keep thinking about it anyway.

I'm not really equipped to comment but wanted to bump this as you always sound like such a lovely person, and have clearly done everything you can to get better (with quite a lot of success - hope you are proud of yourself for stopping self harming).

Have you tried saying what you say in your first post to your therapist? He might be able to help you to talk around your feelings in a less scary way?

Thank you for your kind reply :)

I have discussed this with him, but it is hard, I am a very closed book, lots of people - professionals - have told me that I am incredibly hard to read, but that is certainly not on purpose. I just wish I could relax just a bit, just enough to feel something. He wants me to act/pretend certain emotions so I can learn to feel them, but I can't bring myself to do it, I just can't.

Even though I know that things are changing inside me and I cannot hold on to this artificial/surface involvement with how I feel for much longer before I explode. I have this sense that I am really rather sad, but I am not sure. It is not like I am putting a brave face on things, it is just, that I feel disconnected to myself, and I am terrified of what re-connecting will mean but at the same time I have no idea how to re-connect anyway.

Gosh, this all sounds very self involved! It helps getting it out I think.

I am not seeing him next week, but will be seeing my CPN so I might talk with her about some things. And when I see him the week after I will try very very hard to say I feel something other than OK, and try very very hard to feel that as well.

Arggh just typed a massive post then deleted it!!

Anyway basically I was saying you need to be comfortable and let out your deepest darkest thoughts. You will feel worse for a while then feel better. Do you like your therapist? Do you feel comfortable with them?

Don't apologise for sounding self-involved, or for wasting people's time - really, you're not. It sounds like maybe you feel you're not worth help? Or that you feel you have to be really nice and amenable at all times?

Have you tried breathing exercises, or swimming, cycling, singing, dancing? Having a massage, or lying in a jacuzzi? Sometimes letting go a bit physically can help one to let go a bit emotionally. I realise you have probably had lots of advice from MH professionals so I'm probably not saying anything very useful here.

I have had therapy before so I know it gets worse before it gets better, but my worse is so so bad, I am scared of what will happen. My body has not recovered from my last bout of self harm, and I am struggling the feeling bad doesn't have to lead to such self destruction.

I do trust him, and he has given me good reason to trust him, advocated for me, listened to me etc. I am just so used to being nice that it is hard not to be.

I want to go swimming again but my confidence has been knocked, I am still pretty down and find it hard to leave the house sometimes. I am scared of people staring at my scars as well.

Thank you for your kind replies. Lots of think about :)