Think I had some sort of breakdown today

[deliciouscrunchycorn]

AM not sure what happened.

I have a 4YO. He has just been excluded, permanently, from school.
He does not have a statement (note in lieu)
How can the school both say they can cope with him (re. note in leiu) but can't (expulsion) all the same time.
I have spent the day in tears and really, really cold. Unable to get warm at all.

I have fed and looked after the children, but I feel utterly cold. I am freezing. I cannot cope with this.

The school are legally obliged to do everything they can to 'include' your DS - by law, they are not allowed to just send him home without having made every effort to support him (this will include 'CAF' meetings, risk assessment, SENCO involvement etc.)

You should contact the 'Inclusion Officer' at your local Authority, who should do everything they can to ensure that your son is in education (even if this means at a different school), and which will ensure that the school is doing things properly. If the school has actually 'excluded' your son, their should be a set procedure of meetings etc with you and with experts who can help. The inclusion officer is not 'on the side' of the school.

I really hope that you can sort this out. If you need more info, I can get it.

this all sounds so awful. The school are behaving ridiculously. As you say they can't have it both ways-he doesn't need a statement, but they can't cope with him. Really, your poor boy.

I think if you repost in Special Needs or Primary education you will get more help. You really need someone to point you on the right direction. I help in a reception class and they have dc with SN very year. The teachers always try to nurture these children and give them extra help, that is their job.

I think you'll be amazed in the change in him he can get into a school where the teachers actually do their job properly. I hope you get the help you need. The LA have a duty to educate your son.

Sorry, x posted with people giving great advice here.

It's not him I need help with. It's me.

I;m not drip feeding, I'm just not in a good place.

Nothing has been signed from either side.

But the 'receptionist' (I'm sure she has a much fancier title) looked at me like a piece of shit yesterday and said... coldly.... they would do everything to make sure DS did'n't go there. It was so final. The teachers there have already made their mind up. Why would I send my child to that place? Why would I send ANY of my children to that place?

Oh and this little gem 'He's seriously hard work, MrsD... I mean... SERIOUSLY'

What. The. Actual. Fuck. Does she think, in the last 4.8 years, I have not noticed this? Do I need this to be pointed out to me?

As I said, I'm not in a good place.

Guys... I know you mean to help, but I am not taking him back to the school ever. This is about me and how I cope going forawrd. I am sorry if that sounds selfish, but it is how I feel.

you poor poor thing. Just to say I can sympathise with the "shock" aftermath of coping with SN, especially when everything comes to a head, whether it is for the best (as it probably is, in this case;as you say that school is not the right place for him, and the moment the setup Note in Lieu etc is all wrong)
All the sensible advice in the world isn't going to take away the shock to YOUR system, and it will be a while before you have strength to start battling again, which I'm sure you will. I can remember just standing crying my eyes out at a busstop with ds2 (ASD) after a school concert where a combination of his behaviour and external factors had made me completely unable to think clearly or rationally, and I thought this is never going to end. That feeling doesn't go away of course. BUT, The next day was a new day.

So, ds1 is safe now, he is at home, he is safe with you, HE dding is fine for now as a temporary strategy (come over the SN board or the HE board) and NO-ONE should make you feel bad about yourself or that it is YOUR fault he has sensory overload or finds school difficult.

Take care, eat loads of cake/milky things, and come over to SN board where people are very cheery/tell jokes in between fighting the idiotic behaviour of some professionals, and loads of experience of help and support too of course.

No. I don't think you can/should take him back there - I think you both need a clean slate. They clearly don't want him, and whether they are obliged to have him or not is sort of beside the point. You need to feel confident that he is somewhere where he will be nurtured and supported.

You MUST go to the GP for yourself - you sound very low indeed - and then speak to someone (sorry, I have no idea who - hopefully someone else can advise) about how to help your DS to start again elsewhere with the support he is entitled to. You say the school did everything to avoid him getting statement - why did they do that? What would be their motivation? Do they not get extra funding for help with him if he is statemented, or do they just not want more statements on their OTSED in case it's bad for business? Do you think he should be in mainstream school?

Although it's distressing for you I do think that for the sake of the other children there must be a cut-off point where a school can say they can no longer cope with the level of disruption from one child. However, they seem incredibly unsupportive about helping you move forward from here and suggesting ways he might get support. He is very little - perhaps he is not ready for school yet. Are there any special nurseries that can bridge the gap until he is 5, and help him with his problems? I seem to remember a friend of mine had her DS in somewhere like that (state funded) until he was about 5 and a half as he had speech delays and behavior problems because of the frustrations of that. He was a real little wotsit in nursery, but he was a totally reformed character by the time he eventually came to school, and a much happier, more likeable child all round.

Fwiw, my son used to be sent home at 12 every day in reception. And I used to be told by other parents that I should be encouraging him to stay till 3pm but it was the difference between him actually enjoying the day and being completely out of his depth. Looking back I see they couldn't cope with him staying full day, and they probably should have been able to, but it suited all of us (him, me and school) to have a lovely afternoon peacefully unwinding. And he has loved school with a few blips since then. 4 is just so little for some children, with SN especially to cope with school. It is not just a matter of training them. That is my opinion. Others differ and think it is school's job to TRAIN them to cope, or support them in coping. But why should they, if it is not right? We have such a culture of getting children into fulltime school now; when I was little school for 4 year olds was only till lunch anyway. Anyway...by the by...just to give a bit of perspective to everyone's expectations of children COPING with the long school day.

The school sound hopeless and it is fairly pointless trying to explain autism to an institution/set of people who are not interested.

Do you have any good professionals around you that you trust? An ed psych, clinical psych, SALT, autism outreach, paediatrician? It might be worth talking to them if there is someone and asking their opinion on a school that might be able to cope with him. I took ds1 aged 5 out of a school that couldn't cope and put him in one that could and the difference was staggering. That was nearly 10 years ago and something I have never regretted.

If you decide to home ed maybe join the Treating Autism Facebook group for advice/support - there are lots of home edders on there. There also used to be a home education kids with SN email group years ago, but I have no idea whether that still exists.

Good luck. Can you think of something nice for you and ds to do today just to get over yesterday?

But Home Ed is not for everyone - it's a huge challenge and a commitment and quite honestly perhaps the OP needs a break from him as well. People should Home Ed because they want to, not because they feel so desperate and unsupported that they have no choice.

Oh I'm not recommending she home ed- that's her choice, just saying where to go for support if she does as she mentioned it (please note I said I never regretted moving my son to a different school - he actually moved from mainstream to special, I didn't say I home edded, that might get lost in my post above).

It does sound as if the school have really let your DS down, and I would not suggest that you send hime back there. However, I do think that you should take advantage of the system that should be in place to help find a best place for your ds's education. Please do look at my previous post, SEN experts should be brought in to review your son's needs, initially that will be with the current school, but it will highlight their lack of inclusion to the LA which is a good thing.

I think that you need to tackle this head-on whilst information is fresh and to get the necessary advice, and the process may take some time. Is there a friend or relative who can support you. If you go ahead with meetings you are able to take somebody along as support.

I realise that this post was about how you were feeling, and I do hope that you can get some rl support for this. I happened upon your post and having been on a course just yesterday about exclusion and inclusion, it was rather fresh in my mind! I hope you are coping with how you are feeling and that having a view to what to do next with regard your son helps.

With the best will in the world... I am actually still here.

You do not need to speak about me in the 3rd person as if I cannot hear you.

I do, actually (like... you know... normal people) have feelings.

Am just reading on since your OP...I am very angry on your behalf and on behalf of your son, Deli. I wish I could say something to help. The school have let you down badly and are probably breaking the law. It's atrocious.

I have friends with a boy with Autism and ADHD and they have never had an unbroken night's sleep since he has been born. Like your son, at that age he wasn't 'naughty', but was uncontrollable and needed a safe environment with people who know how to help. (He actually went to a special school and he calmed down enormously once he settle there.) I honestly don't think I would be strong enough to cope with it myself, what my friends had to go through when their son was your son's age was tortuous. They had to watch him constantly. You sound strong, actually, and very astute too. (Wish I could hand you a real drink right now.)

What do you want to do about your son's education? Do you want to find him another school to go to, or home educate, find a way to get his Autism & ADHD recognised?

Tell us if there's anything we can help with. What can we do? Research? Write lesson plans?

Delicous do you have RL support? OH/Family/friends nearby?

Have you been to the GP?, because a referral to a Community Mental Health team might be useful, as well as being supportive they often have lots of practical advice for ways of dealing with what seems like overwhelming problems.

Sorry delicious I was just clarifying my post as I had a feeling FN had misread and thought I had said that I had home edded. She may not have, but I can understand how she might have misread.

As I said ds1 moved from mainstream to special school aged 5 and hasn't really looked back. A different school can work wonders, even staying w/in the mainstream system they vary a lot in how they deal with kids on the spectrum.

Is it possible to stay home this year and start school again next year? Maybe he is just too young and needs to grow a little bit more?

yes, saintly I did misread it, and *Delicious - we were merely clarifying things amongst ourselves, not trying to talk about you as though you were not there. Misunderstandings all round.

How are you OP?