Oh god I desparately need some advice/hand holding (may upset)

[CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss]

First of all I apologise for any typos or if this makes no sense at all, I am in such a state.
I have just opened the post, a letter from my brother. I haven't spoke to him for 7 years. We used to live together, I was 16, didn't get on with family so our uncle let his flat to us. At first all was fine, then my brother got into "debt". Drugs. Anyway when he couldn't pay the money back they basically took payment from me. That lasted for 2 years until I eventually ranm. Stupid I know but I was so scared I didn't know what to do.
I still struggle now, nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety.
Anyway in the letter, basically he apologises, would love to meet dd, blah blah vlah, then of cpurse, asks for a loan. I am a single mum on benefits! I do not have spare cash at all. I am so scared. If he is still involved with those "people" he has found my address (I have no idea how)
I can't go through that again, I really can't. I have never felt safe but now I am terrified. I just want to end it now.
I can't live like that. Not now. I am not strong enough. I just want to curl up and never wake up

Sorry yes I am still local(ish). I'm not really sure where he could have got the address from, its been so long. I wouldn't be so worried if he hadn't asked for the money. I feel like he's needing a way out of the debt and judging on what happened, he is using me as a way out.

You poor thing! YY, Return to Sender No Longer at this Address and police.

Please call the non-emergency number and ask if someone can come and talk to you about this. If you can't talk to the, could you show them this?

You have done nothing wrong, please go to the police, show them the letter from your brother, tell them what happened. You know what, yes, you should have reported when this was going on, but you didn't, you didn't because you were scared witless and understandably so. Please please please go to the police now, you should not be living in fear.

I am going to contact the police in the morning, but go to them, I really don't want a car outsie of my house. I know I sound ridiculously paranoid but I can't risk it.
I just don't know what to do at the moment. It sounds stupid but I feel sort of frozen. Not normal

You mention getting through tonight. Are you concerned that you are in danger now? Is there anyone in real life you can call to come around? Even if they can't come to you it's a good idea to call someone in real life and tell them that you're concerned and you would appreciate if they could call / text you regularly and raise the alarm if you do not reply promptly and in a suitable way. Are you friends with your neighbours?
Also do the obvious stuff like locking the doors and windows and closing the curtains. It will make you feel safer and more in control of the situation.

If the only reason you're not calling the police now is because you don't want a car outside, then call them and tell them that you would like someone to come around in an unmarked car and not uniform because you're concerned about being seen with a police officer at your house. They might not be able to do that straight away but the worst they can do is say no and that leaves you in the same position as you're in now.

The rational part of me doesn't think that I'm in danger now, I'm just trying to convince myself iyswim. I've always lived in fear of them (well from when I was 16) so I don't really know what to be. I don't trust my own judgement, I could have got out of it sooner, but I didn't, so how can I trust myself now.
All the doors and windows are locked, dd is in my bed.
I don't feel like its really happening, like its a nightmare or something.

The rational part of me doesn't think that I'm in danger now, I'm just trying to convince myself iyswim. I've always lived in fear of them (well from when I was 16) so I don't really know what to be. I don't trust my own judgement, I could have got out of it sooner, but I didn't, so how can I trust myself now.
All the doors and windows are locked, dd is in my bed.
I don't feel like its really happening, like its a nightmare or something.

It is hard to 'get out of these things', PLEASE don't blame yourself. You were a child. Everything is different now, and remember that you DID get out eventually. I am so sorry this is happening to you.

You can get help to deal with this. The police will not blame you, they will help you. Honestly.

Hang on in there.

You're in a much much better position now than last time especially once you've spoken to the police. You've already proved that you're strong and you have lots of advice and help available to make sure that you and your dd are safe. It must seem overwhelming at the moment because it's bringing back such terrible experiences but the fear you're feeling is probably at least partly remembered fear from before rather than "real" fear for now.

Thankyou all again. I am just about managing tonight. Sitting in bed with dd, listening for every noise
I just feel so bloody stupid and a total failure.
Before I opened the letter I was a mess anyway what with the counselling being hell and seeing no improvement or way out of the ptsd. Ha well now everything is 100 times worse and I'm actually back in that hell in rl, not just in my head. Christ knows what I've done to deserve this, or more importantly, what my little girl has done to get a mother like me.

How are things today? I hope you have managed to contact someone to help. I hope you managed some sleep too.

You can do this.

Sorry, posted too soon.

I cannot say this loudly enough THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Shit things happen to good people. It is important that you realise your daughter is lucky to have you. You ARE protecting her, and you will continue to do so.

Rape Crisis centre freephone helpline
0808 802 9999
12 - 2.30pm
7 - 9.30pm

and/or the police.

Poor poor you. What a horrible situation.
I agree with others that from the letter it sounds as though your brother is still in trouble.
You must go to the police and ask for their protection. Not only for yourself but for your child/children. Your first responsibility is to your children now and you must do what you can to keep them safe.
I also think the 'return to sender' option is a good idea for now.
Also, tell people you trust around you (good friends) of your fears in advance. That is what friends are for. They may be able to help if it comes to a crisis point (giving you shelter for a while, having someone stay with you so you are not on your own in your house, etc).
I really hope for you that this does not escalate. Try to think straight and keep a step ahead but don't think you need to cope with it on your own.

Also wanted to add, you are in no way a failure. That is a nightmare of a situation to have to deal with and it is not your fault that you have been put in it.
Please, get help!

Just what citronella said, but do your best to move away for a bit in case he tries to find you before getting the returned letter. Good luck.

Thankyou for all of the replies. I haven't phoned anyone yet, I know I'm being stupid but I am just a mess. I can't report what happened, I really can't. The repercussions don't even bare thinking about.
The letter is back in the envelope, just need to try to get out of the house and post it.
I cut quite bad last night just can't believe this is real.

Thankyou for all of the replies. I haven't phoned anyone yet, I know I'm being stupid but I am just a mess. I can't report what happened, I really can't. The repercussions don't even bare thinking about.
The letter is back in the envelope, just need to try to get out of the house and post it.
I cut quite bad last night just can't believe this is real.

Oh my dear. I hate to hassle you but you must speak to someone about this. You owe it to your daughter.

The people who hurt you and your brother are just people, subject to the law.

First deal with the letter. \you will feel better

Hope you are ok CuppaCiggie? How has your day been?

I'm still just one big mess. I just feel numb.

I hope you have been able to share this with people who will help you.

I know how hard it can be to realise, but you can take control of this situation. There are people out there that can help you. There are lots of numbers on this thread that you could phone. Please ask for some help if you haven't already done so.