moving on from traumatic birth.

[justneedtotalk]

Regular(ish) poster blah blah, just don't want to use my normal name.

I was wondering how other people with traumatic pregnancies/births move on and how long it takes. I know it's different for everyone but there probably comes a point when it ought to stop being an issue, doesn't there?

Most of the time I'm okay but when I'm not it can come quite bad. Trivial things seem to set me off, like today I went to baby yoga and when we were doing the calm down bit at the end, the instructor was talking about baby relaxing as s/he sensed us relaxing and our heartbeats/breathing slowing down, etc and how they will remember it from being in the womb when we did pregnancy yoga, except due to the complications towards the end of my pregnancy I never got chance to do the pregnancy yoga bit and drove home in tears feeling sad because I'd missed out on the yoga and guilty that ds had been deprived of the lovely calm feeling etc too, and have just felt generally miserable for the rest of the afternoon.

Sometimes I feel like people have far worse experiences, that I'm making a fuss over nothing, and I should just 'get over it', OTOH nothing doesn't leave you with a dh who doesn't want another child because he's so scared of same thing happening again and losing his wife :(

I've thought about counselling but can't really see how it would work. I'm not going to forget what happened (and wouldn't really want to) so do I just accept that every now and then I'm going to come across these triggers that'll upset me.

I dunno. I'll wake up tomorrow feeling better and wonder how on earth I could've felt as down as i do right now and why on earth did I post this. Guess that's why I've changed my name.

Anyway thanks if you've got this far. I feel a bit better just for writing it down

There is a charity run by Sheila Kitzinger for those who have had a traumtic birth \link{http://www.sheilakitzinger.com/Birth%20Crisis.htm\here} which has been recommended by mumsnetters.

I can still cry about mine nearly 4 years on and I've had another child (by elective c-section)!

I do think about talking it through sometimes but then I don't want to start myself off so put it off so I know what you mean.

Sorry you're feeling down. Without belittling it at all, tiredness and hormones do make it worse and you haven't said how old your baby is. Try and take it easy and do talk to someone if you can.

Glad you feel better for getting it down... I do feel for you, and you are not fussing over nothing. I think labour and birth are a major, major thing in our lives and when things are traumatic of course it stays with you.

I wonder if you might find you could consider counselling if you thought about it a different way - it's not there to help you 'forget' but hopefully to give you come strategies to use to help you cope when these inevitable triggers come up. I also think it might be good for you to have the chance to go through it all with someone OTHER than your DH, who of course feels so protective of you. Maybe if it's a good cousellor you might even get to considering your own wishes as to whether this will be your only child or not (don't know medical circs, please ignore me if this is really impossible).

I had a traumatic birth ending in a 'crash' CS so I do sympathise with you and know how the effects of this can hang around. I wish now I'd had counselling but I didn't. However I've made myown peace with it. I think this is largely due to the fact that we were only planning one child from the beginning, so I didn't feel tortured about whether I could/should do it again. Though I did have regrets that I would never have the chance to 'do it right' or even be conscious while I brought a life into the world!

I just want to stress that there are many regrets one gets when traumatic birth occurs and you are NOT making a fuss. Most days I felt fine with it too and counted my blessings of healthy DS, but of course sometimes it gets to you. Hope tomorrow is a good day!

I understand where you are coming from. My second labour was just horror. I still think about it quite a lot and all the what if's. Dh is traumatised also. Has said definitley no more children. Having a form thrust at you to sign for an emergency section or else your wife and child will die can do that to you. For me, I was semi-concious and hearing I might lose the baby that we had tried fertility treatment for five years to conceive, it was unimaginable terror. But I take comfort from the positive. I pushed for everything I was worth and I still gave birth naturally. All be it very quick and third degree tears. My baby was snatched the second he was born and it was ten minutes before we saw him. While dh was being backed into a corner knowing how I felt about a section and what the docs were saying, I took back the control. It is about control. It's your body and you wanted things a certain way. If that doesn't happen then there has to be regrets. It's human nature. But the positive is that you have a child and that's my comfort. Some people try to conceive forever and it doesn't happen.

You will come to terms and so will your husband.

Good luck. My little man is two now and I still think back. But I remind myself that it doesn't matter how he came into the world, he's here and he's healthy.

Hi Honey! So glad you feel able to talk, and I don't think you'll regret posting this tonite.

I too had a traumatic birth and DS ended up in SCBU for a week which expanded the experience. Also after wards I had very bad PND, which was made worse my post traumatic stress disorder from the traumatic birth and also some other stuff from years ago which were never dealt with!!! And like you my hubby couldn't cope and I scared him off from ever wanting a second child, or like you losing his wife again. Now in case you think I'm over estimating this - it was all diagnosed by a psychiatrist. So I DO UNDERSTAND!!

And I had therapy.

You are not making a fuss over nothing. How you feel is very real.

Don't expect your hubby to be able to give you the answers you need. He has his own fears/problems with this and you'll only end up going round in circles or arguing. Just ask for his love, patience and support.

Therapy doesn't stop you from remembering, or numbing you from the emotions associated with the experience. It allows you to discuss, in total safety, about an event that scared you and still affects you. It will allow you to discover your OWN methods of coping with the triggers that will meet you every now and then.

It will make you a stronger person. You will know yourself better, you will deal with it and be able to move on!

And it may even mean, like me, that your husband will come round to the idea of a second child - because you can reassure him that you have learnt how to deal with it again. My hubby was dead set against No2 -he was so scared of me going mad again etc. But now we are planning to try at the end of this year for No2 and HE even freely talks about it!!

The hardest part is picking up the phone to make an appointment to see your GP.

Best of luck, and don't regret anything! You are a great mum!

Hiya
ive had two tramatic births with both mine, im in the line for nhs counselling, i know exactly how you feel.
Im on AD's, they are helping me.
If you can CAT me, or my email is [email protected]

Thank you so much everyone for all your replies. As I expected I do feel so much better this morning I feel a bit of a fraud. It almost feels like it was another person feeling crap and writing the post last night, if that makes any sense to anyone. However I'm quite suprised to find I don't regret posting it. I think it's probably because your supportive replies have made me realise I'm not being silly, although I have been reading some of your experiences and feel quite lucky in comparison. I didn't have to go through a tough/long labour for a start.

I had a crash section too and lost about 3 pints of blood. I had been in hospital for a few weeks anyway due to grade4 pp and had a routine c-section scheduled for 38 weeks. At 35 weeks I had a small bleed which gave me quite a fright but helped me understand why I was stuck in hospital (felt like a bed-hogging fraud up till then) but then had a massive bleed at 37 weeks. From the start of the bleed to ds being born was 14 minutes. I thought I was going to die. When the anethetist said you'll be asleep in a few seconds I thought -well this is it if I'm going - and for a split second was suddenly totally calm!. I woke up to see dh feeding ds, and thinking - oh wow i'm alive. There's alot more to it than that but once I start I could get carried away.....

Dh missed the birth, couldn't get to the hospital in time, so he missed all the form signing fun. I was such a wreck at that point I'd have signed anything just to get on with it. When the midwives phoned to tell him to come in, we all thought it was going to be a normal (but hurried c-section) so it was a bit of a shock for him to arrive at the hospital to find someone holding his baby and his wife no-where in sight coming round from a GA. I think the state of me afterwards left him a bit shellshocked too. He does try to be a help when I get upset but it's typically "man's help" which doesn't always help. Bless him he even realises himself and says - I'm doing that man thing again aren't I - then he shuts up and gives me a big hug.

Thanks for the link Gem13. You're right about the hormones and tiredness to. Sometimes I wonder if it is just down to that. Ds is 6 months and I am still breastfeeding, not sure whether that has any effect or not.

Jo, is there a long waiting list. I'm tempted to reconsider and go for it.

I'm quite suprised really how much it has helped just posting on here and reading your replies. Thanks again everyone.

Glad to hear you're feeling better today. It is hard isn't it?

FWIW I found I felt a lot more normal (less tired/hormonal) once I'd stopped breastfeeding. Even though DD was sleeping through the night and was 17 months, I think your body still works hard to produce milk on demand. Not that I would give it up earlier - she decided to stop one day - but it's worth remembering that too.

I'm glad too and pleased these replies have helped.

I do feel for your DH, as it must be very shocking indeed to have come in expecting a fairly normal birth scenario, to be faced with what had happened.

I know my DH found it very hard to be absent while it all happened and to be honest I looked like a car crash victim when I came round - swollen lip where they had stuffed the breathing tube in so fast, and my stomach (if possible!) MORE swollen after than at 9 months pregnant! So I don't underestimate how horrible it is for the men to see (worse to go thru hough, has to be said!)

Really hope things go well for you. x

I'm starting to get over what happened at dd1's birth, but these people have been recommended to me lots of times \link{http://www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/\birth trauma association}

There is also a yahoo group.

I used to relive the birth nearly every time I sat down to feed her, and it can still happen now 3 years later. 6 months is no time at all, don't ever feel guilty for having these feelings, I used to dread hearing about friends having babies 'normally' and would avoid the subject as much as possible. I don't think the feelings of being cheated out of something special will ever go away, but I have learned to live with it, hope you find the help you need.

I didn't have such a traumatic labour or birth, but 12 hrs after giving birth I suffered heart failure and couldn't breath, andI then spent 4 weeks in hospital and my husband had to give up work to care for me and a new baby. The whole scenario was extremely traumatic for all of us and although I have made an amazing recovery I now have a serious health condition which I have to live with. With all of this I did find the first year or so really hard to cope with and I did feel really sad that I didn't breast feed ( due to all the medication), but I also feel really gratefull that I have a child ( also went through the whole fertility process for 5 years). Every now and then I get upset about what has happened and it's usually triggered by someone elses insensitivity, and sometimes I even still feel like I'm in shock over it all, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life being miserable and other people do have things worse. I also find that having just one really good friend that you can talk honestly too really helps. We all have bad days and on those days I just take time out from seeing people or doing baby classes and hang out with my baby taking it easy. I'm sure you are a really good mum so don't feel guilty I just aint worth it!

Hi lo and Jzee.

I re-live the birth, well the before and after bits anyway, usually at night when I'm supposed to be trying to sleep. Even though I try and put it aside I can't settle until I've been through the whole thing.

I also try and avoid conversations with people about normal/textbook births. The little green eyed monster starts to rise and I hate to admit I can feel quite resentful :(

Jzee, sorry to hear you had such a bad time, but glad to hear you have someone to talk to.

Everytime I think about it all though I just have to look at my gorgeous little fella and although it doesn't always stop me being upset I know that as long as I knew beforehand that we would come through it ok I would go through it again for him.

Oh bum, an innocuous mn thread has just set me off again.

Sitting here trying not to cry in front of dh, not because he doesn't understand but because he'll be sad that I'm upset.

This is so pants :(

What you are feeling is so normal, after 6 years and quite a good pregnancy we nearly lost my dd right at the end. I still can't forget how my hand was snatched away as I tried to touch her for the first time, when she had been dragged out and placed on stomach. Well dragged and I pushed like no tomorrow, was two mins away from CS - DH had just signed forms.

To hear her struggling for breath and the panic that was happening behind me - while they tried to get her to breath, then my first look at my DH was when they whisked her away to the special care. I wasn't allowed to see her for hours as I couldn't move cos of spinal block because of threatened CS.

I spendt the first six months crying, tried talking to HV - but found it very difficult. DH found it difficult to talk about, as he could see the panic in the hospital staff and what they were trying to do. It's only now a year on, we can dicuss it calmly.

But when a dear friend came round, I told her how I felt and I cryed and that helped so much. Now I look at her and I have to give her a hug.

I still get a little upset, but not like I did when she was 6 months old.

Sorry for going on, but you must talk about it, talk to a friend, a professional, but please don't keep it in.

Crying helps, your body and mind had been shocked beyond anything you could have expected. Please believe me that things will get better, but it takes time.

Sorry for ranting on, but I so understand what you are going through, and I remember the emotional pain that i felt. Please try that website, and if you want to chat - cat me.

sorry everyone, i just had to revive this thread a bit. justneedtotalk, it does get better, but it takes some time, in my case, its now nine years on, and the feelings are faded.having subsequent children helped, each birth was different.i had nightmares and flashbacks for 18 months afterwards, nobody seems to understand though, they think you should be 'over it'. the thing is, when your faced with what feels like your imminent death(and that seems like a good option at the time)your not going to forget it in a hurry, its human nature i suppose. in hindsight, i wished id asked more questions afterwards, got copys of my notes, and sought counselling.i wish i'd stamped my feet a bit more for answers, but you don't do you? you just slope off and try and get on with your life, hoping it will all go away soon. youve done the right thing, mentioning it now, its part of the healing process i think.

Have just read this thread. i can relate to this truly. My dd is now 15 and her birht was awful..the most painful birht you could ever experience. Wanted an epidural and never got one. The pain was horrendous. My ex-dh wasnt even there when i needed a spokesman. Said never again and she was my "nd child. I now have a 5 yr old ds and cried and cried towards the end of my preg. with him cas i was so scared. It was the best birht out of all 3 kids. I got an epidural and used the gas and air properly. Near to tears now thinking bout the pain i went through with my daughter. How could they let me suffer like that ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

I cried on Saturday talking to the midwives about dd1's birth - am currently pg with third and my second birth was very UNtraumatic.

My hospital runs a service whereby you can talk through your birth with midwives up to 10 years after the event. I did this a couple of years ago and found it fantastically helpful. I almost definitely had post traumatic stress and suffered panic attacks after dd1s birth - and I didn't nearly die or anything so I am sure there are much worse births out there...