I want to hurt myself

[TwistyBraStrap]

I tried to throw myself down the stairs. It didn't work - too much of a wuss. I'm disabled, have DH who is wonderful but doesn't really understand depression, a DS with ASD and a DD who is 1. I'd like to die but then I think about my DCs living without a mother and I couldn't do that to them.

I just can't cope. I want to escape. If I hurt myself enough I might get to stay in hospital for a while. Plus I could get painkillers for the constant pain I am in.

I told DH about how I'm feeling and he said he'd hate it if I was hurt. But I hurt all the time anyway. I'm a crap mother to DS and DD. they deserve so much better.

I hate myself

you did pm hun I've answered please let us know in the morning how your doing even if it's just a Hi

Hi all.

I tried to get an appointment with the doctor, but apparently I was too late (rang at 8:15 instead of dead on 8) and all appointments were gone. Will try again Monday.

Feeling really rough today, have spent most of the day on the sofa, though I did have some hugs with DS so perhaps today I'm not the World's Worst Mother. There's still time before he goes to bed.

Im so tired. I don't want to see anyone or do anything. I just want to stare into space. Is that normal?

No honey it is NOT normal to feel like this - its the weekend now, you know that you can walk into A&E if you feel really bad don't you, you don't have to wait til monday. Canterbury doesn't have a A&E anymore, however minor injuries is still there and it could get you a psych referral should you need it. If you get any desire to hurt yourself please go there, or phone the samaritans.

Its been shit weather today, so we haven't been far either - better to be indoors. Your DS will have loved the hugs, this is brilliant and you sound far from the worlds worst mother, the worlds worst mother wouldn't give a shit!

Call again on monday. If they won't give you an appointment, tell them you need to be seen, so will be coming down as an emergency.

I just don't understand why I'm like this. I took an OD when I was 16 and that was my lowest point. After I met DH he quite literally lit up my world and I didn't ever feel as bad as I did. Now, I feel like that whiny teenager again.

I know that DH doesn't understand. He's very happy go lucky, he has tough days with DS just like I do, but he doesn't understand the black cloud that follows me around. He's never had mental health issues. I want to tell him how bad I'm feeling so he can support me. What do I say?

You are ill. You are not being whiny. You are ill. There was a fantastic picture circulated on facebook recently. It said this:

"Depression is not selfish.
Anxiety is not rude.
Schizophrenia is not wrong.

Mental illness isn't self-centered, any more than a broken leg or the flu are self centered.

If your mental illness makes you feel guilty, review the definition of "illness", and try and treat yourself with the same respect and concern that you would show to a cancer patient or a person with pneumonia."

I think its fantastic.

I do understand what you're saying though, but try and look at it like this; you know how crap you felt at 16 and were so low you tried to end your own life. If you feel worse than that now, you need some support.

Could you write it down? I also think that being able to explain to him is one of the reasons you really need to access some help. I've become a lot better at vocalizing and explaining both how I feel, and what I need to feel better, since I've had my professional team in place.

Oh - and there's a book that I found helpful, but was also good for my parents to read to understand what I was going through. Its called "Depression: The Curse Of The Strong", and I would highly recommend it. You can pick it up for just a few pounds on amazon or ebay, and is money well worth spending.

Hi - I know you have anxiety about contacting Social Care, but if you have a son on the spectrum they could provide support for you and your children - such as a respite creche for a few hours a week for your youngest, a children's centre worker etc. Or could you contact your health visitor and see what support they can offer from you local children's centre, or ask for a referral for a homestart worker (think you can still self refer) who can come out once a week for a few hours to help you out practically.

Hello all. I haven't been to see the GP yet (I know, I know) but other stuff has got in the way. My benefits are late due to changing my name after getting married and my bank card was cloned. So I can't pay rent. I've told the landlord that I will need a few extra days to get everything sorted.

I've tried to talk to DH more about how I'm feeling but he's stressed with DS as well, so the timing isn't good. I told him today I felt like I was going crazy and he game me a hug, but as DS was playing up there wasn't much he could do.

Now that the kids are in bed I've noticed that both of us relax when they're not around, which is awful, but its the truth. DS takes up every single second of our day. I feel bad about not paying enough attention to DD.

I guess some good news came in that I chased up the SEN team about DS' school. I was actually quite assertive and said he'd been off since June due to the move and he needed to be in school. We've been waiting on the hospital report confirming his ASD so she called them and got it fast tracked. I told her I needed him in school by the end of this month. We need a routine really badly.

Oh, and once our bathroom is in, I will be calling the council and getting assessments done on both me and DS. I can't put off getting help for much longer.

I am worried that I'm a bit crazy, though. I said to DH that DS is like a stalker, he's always there, always watching us, even at night he sneaks into our bed. DH looked at me really strangely when I said that. But it feels true.

Believe me, it is normal to relax when the kids are not around!
I think and thought that is what everyone does.

Good that you got assertive with school, sometimes with officialdom, that is what it takes.

Your DS is not a stalker. He may be used to following around or feel a bit uneasy or lonely at times so that he needs or wants you, but he is just being a normal child.

And dont put off getting help. It is strong to ask for help when needed.

Great you are getting the school situation sorted. Until then can you find lots of playgroups at the local childrens centre to go to with both of them, or lots of the bigger churches do them (not religious content either), or NCT group ones - whatever there is in your area, to help with a routine.

do get help - from your gp. why not print off what you have written here, about your thoughts to show the Gp, so they can get you help. Have you contacted the health visitor, they can perhaps find other sources of free support for you also.