crawling i had an awful first year after the birth of ds4 and still now cannot really remember the year properly, i do/did feel that i had missed out, but he is four now (and i have gone on to have dd) and i am fine and tho i will never get that year back its something i have come to terms with with the help of a fantastic cpn. its shit, but these things happen. obviously my case was different as i had post natal psychosis, but you have an illness, this isnt your fault, you are doing brilliantly keeping on bfeeding with the circumstance,s feel proud of yourself! i am glad the new meds are helping.
and i see swallowed point re bfeeding/meds etc but sometimes stopping bfeeding can have a massive detrimtental effect on your hormones and your mood and also on how you feel about yourself etc, if its important to you (which it seems to be) then it seems you are doing the right thing in working with your psych to find an option compatible with feeding. fingers crossed the meds keep on working and you get on an even keel. do be kind to yourself, one day at a time and you may feel like the first year has been awful but you have STILL looked after your ds, i am sure he is fine and he wont remember.
as crap as it sounds try not to dwell on the past that you cant change, look to the future, the meds are workign you ARE feeling better, take it a day at a time and enjoy the times you feel good, focus on that.
do you see a cpn as well or someone you can talk to more? if you have feelings of guilt etc its worth talking it over with someone, it helped me enormously once i was starting to feel better. please dont beat yourself up about something that isnt your fault xxx