Exhaustion or depression?

[AlicatDXB]

I've been feeling quite shattered of late, just completely drained and suffering from horrendous insomnia (which I've had most of my life). This, coupled with the death of a close friend 5 weeks ago, is making it hard for me to be myself. I just feel drained and angry all the time. DH and I are rowing like cat and dog over anything, which isn't us at all, and for once I don't know how to fix things.

I've been looking at the depression tests online and getting wildly variable results on those but its hard for me to see a doctor for a variety of reasons (pressure of work, am expat so not sure where to go in this country,time off for stress/mental health not accepted in this industry really) etc. I can't figure out if I am depressed or just exhausted

It would be unreasonable for me to expect the wisdom of Mumsnet to diagnose me but I needed to at least voice the suspicions. If anyone has any advice, I'll take it, I'm not used to feeling lost.

Have you done the PHQ9? This is one of the standard questionnaires in the UK.

Alot of what your saying could be grief related. Grief in itself can be utterly exhausting.

Do you sleep alot or not enough? Wake up during the night or early morning?

Have you lost interest in things such as reading a book, watching favourite tv show.

Finding it difficult to concentrate?

Continuous mood swings with the majority of time spent feeling hopeless and helpless?

Sadness and tears?

Have a sense of a black cloud or fog hanging over you and the feeling of doom?
Want to hide away in a corner.

Having trouble seeing into the future?

Feel guilty, paranoid, useless?

Thoughts going round and round in your head?

I don't feel at all suicidal or like harming myself just like I have nothing more to give. I'm sleeping an average of 90 minutes a night so yes its difficult to concentrate and I'm weepier than usual because here I am in the office looking at the desk where my friend sat and there he isn't and there he won't ever be again. I just feel a mix of utter exhaustion and short term blasts of rage, which means I'm kind of checked out from people.

So I can rationalise a lot of how I feel but I can't see how to fix it. Does that even make sense?

It may well be extreme tiredness, coupled with grief.
I should go along to the nearest GP,and see what they can say and do for you.
Personally , when either DH or I have a lot on our plates,we back off from each other, by not talking much to each other so we dont wind each other up so much.

Can you take some time off work to see if you can rest more? It does sound like tiredness and grief. You can't do anything with the grief except ride it out but you can maybe address the tiredness and see how you feel from there. Do you have good friends to talk it through with?

When was the last time you did something for you?

Going on what you say, it sounds as if you have a massive sleep debt and a lot of grief to work through. Whether or not you are depressed as well isn't clear, but I would suggest you try to rest and to see a bereavement counsellor.

Can you take a holiday? A real, proper one in a hotel by the sea or in the mountains, where you can take exercise and get a good night's sleep and get away from all your triggers?

Sorry you are having such a tough time.

I think that it is sort of beside the point what the official term of your unhappiness might be but better to focus on getting yourself some help.

Can you talk to a GP or a counsellor/psychologist? Would you consider using sleeping pills temporarily?

Try to think of it as a physical illness that you would be happy to accept treatment for.

Usually when people are feeling low they lose interest in eating properly or exercising, but these are key to your recovery.

Maybe you would consider a dietary supplement to boost your energy for a while, I find floradix v good, it's organic and sensible amounts of things.

Think of your life like a see saw, ideally you want it to be level.
At the moment you've got a really heavy load on one side(grief, not sleeping, arguing ect ect) you need to level it up a bit.
Think of things that make you happy or you enjoy, write them down then do just one or two of them every day to even it up a little.
It could just be simple things like a walk, bake a cake, take a long bubble bath, go out dancing, ect ect.
Even if these things seem really small just doing a few of them will help you feel like you again and able to cope with your problem better.
If you haven't got time then make time, writing the list on the loo if you have to!

Thanks for all the messages. To be honest I dream of taking a break (clearly that's an awake dream only) but there isn't a hope of a break till Christmas. Politically and career wise its not the right time to be absent as I am in mid-discussions about a new role and need to lobby the right people. (corporate life, why i didn't take up professional weaving I'll never know).

I'll pop out and get a supplement and force myself to exercise. That's definitely dropped off my list since the bereavement.

Thanks

By the way this comes from my db who works in mental health, and is a good starting point to see if it really is just stresses of life or a chemical unbalance which needs medication.

I know you are into your job but can you not even take one or two days out? You only get one life, you need to look after it. Sometimes even a little break can make a huge difference.

Thanks ELR will try that. Sounds sensible.

Somedays Mumsnet is truly genius.

OP I know different people can manage in different amounts of sleep, but for me 90 minutes a night would take me to the edge of my sanity even if the rest of my life was ticking along nicely.

I'm sure you have tried everything to resolve your insomnia, and unfortunately I don't have any wise suggestions but I wanted you to know that in my (unprofessional) opinion severe lack of sleep could be behind this.

Be kind to yourself OP.