I don't want to be here anymore

[lostgal]

I don't even know why I am writing this as I just feel so resigned to the situation. I wake up each morning wishing that I hadn't. I feel worn down by life and I want to give up.

I am almost 40 with 2 young children. I am here because the guilt of leaving them is too much and because I am scared of the physical process of death.

My life is hollow and meaningless. I love my children but I hate being a mum and feel like it has made everything 100x worse.

We are living in a tiny cramped rented flat and cannot afford to buy anything. Not eligible for social housing. Husband is out at work every day so I am stuck looking after the kids. Oldest one is in school, youngest one won't be for another 3 years.

I have felt depressed for as long as I can remember and tried every anti-depressant under the sun. I am not on ad's now as I hate the numbness of feelings they give me, the side effects (such as weight gain) and I hate the idea that everyone wants me to be on them so I am not a bother to them and will be all controllable like a good little stepford wife. I have spoken to my GP, tried lots of different talk therapies, psychiatrist, counsellor, therapist, hypnosis etc and none of these have made a difference except to my already empty purse.

I just feel like giving up on it all. I find life immensely stressful, unrewarding, full of sadness and disappointment, lost dreams and tiredness.

I have never felt such a desire to be gone before and that is probably why I am writing this. That I have come to a point where I can't fight life anymore. These pains are overwhelming me now - the ache of disappointment and jealousy. These thoughts that I can't get out of my head which torture me daily about what a failure I am, how I am going to be poor in old age and forgotten and I can't stand it anymore.

I don't know what to do. If there was a button I could press that would wipe me from existence I would press it. I just want to be gone. I am tired of being me. I feel so apathetic about it all and I don't want to do it anymore.

Do you have any interest in God or religion?
Those sorts of settings can be a source of comfort and practical help.

Didn't want to read and run- i hope things get better for you OP please speak to your doctor again and speak honestly to them

I have PMd you. Please reply if you can.

Please, please go back to your GP. There is a better life for you if you get the right treatment.

Dear Lostgal

You may be already PM'ing with MrsClown1 but what I was thinking was could you arrange to do something yourself that does'nt necessarily take you out of your comfort zone, but gives you a few moments of absolute freedom. What gave me the idea was thinking of the 3 guys on Top Gear. They all live and breathe cars and everyone may think they horse around but if you watch them, they are really in the moment , fired up and alive !!!!!!!!!!

Dear Lostgal

I was also going to say that none of us were born as depressed little babies and we mainly lived happy little children lives so is there anything that you remember that left you laughing/weeping/scared/ exhilarated or all four?

I am not on ad's now as I hate the numbness of feelings they give me, the side effects (such as weight gain) and I hate the idea that everyone wants me to be on them so I am not a bother to them and will be all controllable like a good little stepford wife - OP, it sounds like the people around you are not particularly supportive, and they may well be wishing for an easy solution to your depression, but that is a separate issue to whether or not to take anti-Ds. You are depressed and therefore it follows that anti-Ds could help you (it can take people ages to find one they can get on with). You should help yourself first and foremost. Once you are feeling better it is within your power to choose not to be a "Stepford Wife", maybe by working on your relationships with these people, maybe by cutting your ties to some or all of them.

I've been reading a really good book about depression, The Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon. Some of the people it features have bounced back from really horrendous depressive episodes and you may find it gives you hope.

I'm really sorry you are having such a rubbish time OP and wish you all the best.

P.S. The Andrew Solomon book also has advice on how to find anti-Ds and therapists that work for you.

Lostgal I am so so sorry that you are having such a crap time. I suffer from severe intermittent depression, and so I know the horror of his illness. You do sound like you have given up on everything, meds and "talking" therapy. Do you have any idea of the root of your depression. Did it start with PND by any chance. What were you like befor having children and your life changing so much. Sorry to ask so many questions.

I spent 3 months on a psych ward in 2010 after a 2nd major depressive episode and I was suprised to see that patients were having ECT. I thought it was something that was buried in the past, and remember the awful clips we saw of patients violently shaking. I talked to a Dr on the ward about this and he said ECT was nothing like that now, patients were sedated and had no memory of anything happening. I certainly saw them come back to the ward and maybe be a bit sleepy for an hour or so but that's all.

This Dr told me that ECT was a very effective treatment for drug resistant depression and had no adverse effects in the long term. He said that he would not hesitate to have this treatment if he suffered mental illness that was drug resistant. He told me his father (also a DR) had a psychiatric history but controlled by drugs, so he might well inherit the illness, so he was talking about a probability rather than a possibility.

I have not fully recovered from my 2nd episode and can have several days in a row where I am useless, cry most of the time and generally want to die, and no one can understand how it feels unless they have experienced it.

Not sure what I am saying really and I hope you aren't distressed at the thought of my mentioning ECT. I notice you mention lost dreams and disappointment and jealousy - do you know what has given rise to these feelings - is it a feeling of being "trapped" in a cramped flat with 2 small children. Some of your emotions sound like anxiety to be honest, which of course means fear, fear of the future, and you are talking of being poor in old age, which is a long long way ahead. I'm sure you know that these negative automatic thoughts can lead you into a downward spiral and of course make everything worse.

Do you have any RL support?

Sending warm wishes and hope you can hold on to the fact that there will be brighter times ahead......

hi Lostgal

I have pmd you again. Please get in touch.

I feel the same , I have just ordered that book...