I think I need to admit to myself I have

[tinkerbellchelle]

postnatal depression. my LO is 9 months and for ages and ages as long as I can remember I have felt very depressed. The reason for not wanting to admit it is because everyone has this real image of everything being perfect... we have a perfect house, I dont have to work cos DP is in a good job, we have a lovely car and my baby is perfect. However I hate myself. I hate everything about me. I adore my baby boy but I feel like Im always letting him down like he has been struggling sleeping the last few nights and I blame myself and beat myself up about it. I spent about an hour crying last night cos he went to bed late. I always feel no matter how much I do its not enough. I have tried talking to DP bless him but he just cant understand really whats going on.
I also feel if I tell someone I think I have PND they will think Im weak etc. Im also worried that MIL will stick her nose in even more and make me feel even more useless!!

We have a new health visitor I didnt like my last one so maybe I need to talk to her... but I imagine then that they think I will hurt my LO or something but its all hate towards me NOTHING towards him except love.
What do I do I cant carry on feeling so trapped trying to make everyone happy except myself

thanks :( sorry if I sound silly

Tinkerbelle, use this opportunity of a new HV to act now. She absolutely WILL NOT think anything like what you are imagining.. she deals with new mums with PND every day.. it is a major part of her job. Talking to her will be the first step (you can probably just call into the health centre without an appoibtment OR have her come to you) and you will feel a little better straight away for having discussed it.

You will then be able to talk about treatment and possibly make a doctors appointment to think about maybe going on antidepressants for a while.. which doesn't have to be long term.. and you will feel SO much better!

You don't need to feel guilty because you feel this way.. it in no way relates to what you do or don't have; it's a chemical imbalance and completely NOT your fault and very very common. Once you get this sorted you will see everything in a fresh light and be able to really your baby as well as love your little boy.

Good luck.. stop feeling guilty and let us know how you get on.

SJ x

do go tell your doctor or HV, get it sorted enjoy your baby.

no one is perfect. your not a robot.

remember children are more resiliant than we usually give them credit for.

got o the phone....now...go on...

I have no experience myself but what you describe is how I sometimes feel and I don't think I had or have PND. You sound like a typical first time mum to me. I also would get incredibly stressed about ds's feeding and sleeping.

But obviously if you feel you are struggling then it's definitely worth seeking help, maybe counselling would help.

Good luck, try not to be too hard on yourself. I look back now on how much I used to stress about things and it's such a waste of time. There is so much pressure now on how kids should be brought up and most kids don't fit the model. Most of the time they grow up fine, with or without a routine.

I'm sure someone more helpful will be along soon.

The HV won't think that you will hurt your ds - they will have seen PND times and times before, and will be able to help you. Your HV may be willing to come to the house and provide a listening ear, which can be helpful, and will be able to give you more information about PND and where to get help. See the GP as well - treatment doesn't always mean anti-depressants, if that's your concern.

With regard to telling people and them thinking you're weak ... for one thing, PND doesn't mean you are weak. It happens to strong people as well. For another thing, you don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to - apart from my dh, I told no-one. It's no-one else's business, particularly if they are the sort of person who will put you down for it.

Please have a chat with the HV, and have a think about seeing the GP for some treatment as well.

x-posted.

i wnet to the doctors - and had not heard of pnd. my doctor was very matter of fact - heres some pills kind of person. and i said " are you going to call social services"

he said" dont be ridiculous!!!!

really they dont dont think hat way

not silly at all. I have severe depression and have at times planned and gone to carry out suicidal thoughts and selfharmed. I have 2 beautiful little ones and at no time were my feelings towards them anything but loving. I am under a cpn and psychatrist as well as psychologist. Due to severity of my depression I did originally worry that my Ds would be taken from me etc but never once was that an issue. I would not be here if it wasnt for my children but it doesnt mean I dont need help. Please contact your hv or gp or even organisations like sure start as they can help point you in the right direction. Cat me if you want to chat.

thank you everyone for your comments, you've made me feel better knowing that Im really not alone. I have called HV and Im meeting with her in a couple of days to talk

thank you everyone xx

how did meeting with HV go? hope u feeling better