Scared to see the GP

[TheHeirOfSlytherin]

I decided to post on here after this thread of mine. Things seem a bit clearer to me now and I thought I'd better start this thread now because I'll chicken out again in the morning.

I think I really do need to see a doctor, but I'm scared to do so.

I have never told a stranger or even most of my family all my current problems. The last time I did, when I was 15, I wasn't believed by a teacher and social services. Why would a doctor believe me now? Is there more you can do to help yourself other than antidepressants? I don't know much about them but my mum has been on them for years and years and they have never seemed to help her. I don't want to end up like her.

Forgive me for being so frank but are you talking of sexual abuse by any chance, or some other kind of emotional trauma that happened when you were 15. ADs are only going to be helpful IF you have depression and you don't say anything about any symptoms.

If on the other hand you are having flashbacks/nightmares etc then you could be suffering from post traumatic stress, and ADs won't really help. IF this is the problem, then you need a good therapist, and not sure you will find one on the NHS.

However whatever the problem is, a visit to the GP could help and don't forget that's what they are there for. They are paid a great deal of money from the taxpayers, so you shouldn't feel bad about seeing a GP - if you explain the problems/symptoms he/she may be able to prescribe meds or link you in with the Community Mental Health Team. It's difficult to know really with so lttle information.

Firstly, I'd say to you want to get anything out here? Sometimes getting them out to strangers, when you're nameless, makes it easier to say it in person.

Don't be afraid of speaking to the GP. One in four people suffer from a mental health issues at some point in their lives. The GP will have heard struggling with all sorts of things before. I think at 15 you deal with a lot of shit stigma from medical professionals, and they like to put it all down to hormones. You're not fifteen now. You are an adult, and please don't be frightened of being treated in the same way.

For what its worth, having read your other thread, I don't actually think you were being unreasonable. I think your MIL was being bloody rude, and I think the issue with the car seat is totally understandable. Something I have learnt from mumsnet: "NO is a complete sentence."

Please go and speak to your doctor. Anti depressants can help (there are lots of different ones, and to be honest your mum sounds like she needs more than just ADs) but there are lots of different types of therapy around as well.

I'm sorry about your miscarriage. Big un-MN hugs from me.

Hi NanaNina, thank you for replying. The incident when I was 15 was not related to sexual abuse in any way but was more to do with emotional abuse/neglect from my mum.

I'll copy the post that made others tell me I had a problem, rather than try to write it out again, some of it may be in the context of the other thread sorry:

^Just everything is wrong. I'm slowly destroying my relationship with dh because I'm turning into my mother, a mad unreasonable evil cowbag who flys into a rage over nothing.

Incidentally today my mum called the fucking police and threatened to overdose because the water company haven't fixed her toilet. She does things like this all the time and texts me to tell me about it even though I ignore her, but it's so draining. She thinks I don't love her but I can't help her, she won't be helped and I need to think about ds, but I'm failing at that because she still gets to me.

I have a certain amount of debt, all accumulated in the past 12 months and I'm just an idiot because of it. I can't even tell you what I've spent the money on, I've just not thought about it for a year. This time last year I had no debts at all. Dh will not have a job by the end of November so we've cut back on everything we can. We wouldn't have a problem if I hadn't got us into debt.

Also in the past year, I just stopped doing everything. I want to sleep all the time I feel like such a failure of a mother. I had a shitty job until June and now I have a fantastic boss who really thinks I'm worth something and now I have to prove it but I want to be with ds, except I need to work to pay for my stupidity.

I'm trying to dig myself out of the hole I'm in by starting to work towards things. I have started an OU degree and been enrolled on the Duke of Edinburgh gold award through work. There is a residential next week but I will be away from ds for 5 days, that makes me so sad for me and for him. What if something happens to him while I'm away and I'm not there for him?

And today, a colleague went on paternity leave. He announced his wife was pregnant earlier in the year, the day after I had a miscarriage. I should be on maternity leave right now.^

Please call your doctor in the morning, OP. I promise you that the thought of dealing with this is worse than actually doing it.

Hi Heir - wow you really are being hard on yourself and clearly you are suffering from the effects of having a mother who was unable to love and care for you in a way that would help you to be a well adjusted adult. Was this the case throughout your childhood i wonder, or did it get worse as you hit your teenage years, which are of course often turbulent for the teenager herself.

Has your mom ever been diagnosed with any mental illness, as her behaviour
does seem to be irrational to say the least. I think you have to stop thinking that you are turning into your mom - easier said than done I know, but that doesn't have to be the case. You have insight into your difficulties and are trying to do something about them, and I'm sure your mom never did that. We are all the products I believe of how we were parented and of course you would have to look at the way your mom was parented, as these things get passed down through the generations.

You mention all the spending in the last 12 months but at the same time say you wanted to sleep all the time, which does sound like depression. Were you feeling on a "high" when you were spending. I wonder if you do have some kind of mental illness if you are "high" and then "low" and should visit your GP if this is the case.

I can see you are tryng hard to "dig yourself out of the hole" but to be honest I think you are taking on too much too soon, and will wear yourself out in the process. My sense is you need to STOP and take stock of where you are now and what has been happening over the past 12 months. The first thing may well be a visit to your GP to explain how you are feeling and what has been happening with the spending and the sleeping. Don't set yourself too high a goal, set one that is achievable which will give you more satisfaction that "setting yourself up to fail"

Can I ask what your job is and how old is your son? Do you have a good r/ship with DH and what is his "take" on all of this. I'm sorry about your miscarriage but this must have been on the other thread as can't see anything about it here, not that that matters, but the important thing is depression usually has its roots in loss of some kind and you have suffered a great loss.

You don't have to "turn into your mother" as I said you have insight and perception which I'm sure she doesn't have. You will probably always have a "hole" that cannot be filled because you didn't receive the unconditional love (or anything close to that) from your mother. Why do you think you are failing your son?

Sorry for too many questions - just trying to get more of a "handle" on to your difficulties.

Sorry this is going to be long but I dont' want to just tell you half the story:

My mum told me that she has "manic depression" but I've had doctors tell me they don't know what that is (when I've repeated it after she has taken another overdose) so I think it may be an outdated term. It's certainly something she has had for many many years, before I was born. She has been on anti-depressants for as long as I can remember but as the years have gone on she has just got worse and worse.

The overdoses had been threatened for years when I was a child, then when I was 15 she finally did it. Since then you can pretty much guarantee every 4-6 months she will do it again.

My parents divorced when I was 8 and I have seen my dad a total of 4 times since then. After the divorce my mum just stopped parenting us so I had to do it. She would get up, buy dinner for that evening and stock up on wine and that was it as far as running a house or caring for her children. I did everything else, all the cooking and dishes and washed the clothes. My mum was constantly drunk, and though she would fly into violent rages she stopped hitting us when we became as big as her. Didn't stop her throwing heavy objects though (tv remotes hurt when hurled at your head from when you're not looking). No one in school ever guessed there was anything wrong. The house was a tip though, because no one ever cleaned it but of course I got the blame for that too.

After the first overdose I thought she would get help but they let her out again afte a week. I told my teacher that my mum was in hospital and I told a friend of my mums too, they knew that her three children were literally fending for themselves home alone for that week then they didn't do anything about it. About six months later she kicked me out the house because I had an argument with my sister about what we watching on TV. She told me I couldn't come back and I had nothing. I had just turned 16 at this point. I went into school and again told the teacher who referred me to a support worker. I told her everything. She told me to go home and say sorry for arguing with my sister. I still wasn't allowed in the house. Social services wouldn't help me because I was 16, I was told to find a friends floor to sleep on. A month later she also kicked my brother and sister out, they were 14 and 11 so SS put them in foster care for a week then they went home. They never heard from ss again.

Despite all this, I still loved her, still do but I can no longer forgive her. I spent years defending her (she's my mum, I had no one else, she is ill, I know her life has been tough). Then I had ds and I finally undestood what she had done to me and how wrong it was.

Ds is 2 and I work in project management (well I support a project manager but I'm trying to get promoted, my boss thinks I have the "talent"). Work know nothing about my personal life, I'm very good at appearing perfectly normal (had lots of practice at school).

I understand what you are saying about the spending but I don't want to excuse myself from that, it was ridiculously stupid of me and I just don't know why I didn't see it at the time. The sleeping issue was the first thing I noticed was "wrong" and I have done everything I can think of to try and fix it - vitamins, drinking more water, going to bed and getting up at the same time each day, exercise, relaxing an hour before bed, even getting one of those alarm clocks with the light that wakes you up. Yet I still want to just sleep.

Dh told me recently that I changed after I had ds, that I was more distant with him and more moody but that it has got steadily worse over the last year. God knows he is no saint, but with hindsight I have been terrible to him. My family deserves more than I can give them.

Please stop being so harsh on yourself. Please. Its perfectly acceptable not to forgive her, but you do need to forgive yourself.

I think you need to distance yourself from your mother. Whilst I don't doubt she has her issues (I have a mental health condition, so am not just being a bitch here), she also is the root of a lot of yours. You can't fix her.

Go and see the doctor, tell him you need to speak to someone, because if you have got all of that to deal with, its no wonder you are struggling.

Also - a lot of people who have had difficult childhoods struggle when they become parents. You're not the only one.

Can I also suggest the Stately Homes thread on here if you haven't already seen it?

Yes I think I would like to just talk to someone.

I am as distanced from my mum as I can be. I don't ring her or text her, we never visit her. She has my number though and texts me her latest issues. I lurk on stately homes sometimes.

The feelings I have since I had ds are such a shock. I expected to love him unconditionally, and even to be a bit overwhelmed at times but I am so worried about him all the time, all the what ifs and stupid panicky thoughts. The realisation that everything he will grow up to be is completely down to dh and I was bad enough but then I've realised that I'm working blind here. I don't know how I'm supposed to be parenting, just that I know what I don't want to do.

Hello again TheHeir - manic depression is the old term for bi polar disorder, meaning that you can have "highs" and "lows" and this is what I was getting at when I asked if you were on a "high" when you were spending. It is something that people do when they have bi polar - almost a recklesness sets in that is out of character. It is also a hereditary condition as many other mental health illnesses are. I am not trying to diagnose as I am no medic but I think you do need to see your GP and talk about what is happening in your life. You mention that your DH has observed that you have been different since the birth of your little boy - could you have PND, as this can be left undiagnosed for a long time.

Your mom sounds like a very emotionally damaged woman and she (like many others with an enduring mental illness) has I think been "self medicating" with alcohol, and this leads to 2 problems, mental health and alcohol abuse. She must have had a very traumatic childhood herself I think. Do you know anything about it.

You certainly had a very rough deal when you were a young teemager, and to be thrown out after you had been the "parent" to your siblings and your mother. This is quite common when mothers abuse alcohol and is looked after by one of the children (called the parentified child) and needless to say this is very enotionally traumatic for a child.

I think you are worrying too much about your little boy and not everyone feels this overwhelming sense of love for their newborns, and as you say you have no model of good parenting, but you are aware of this, and that means a lot. It seems to me that your love for your child has been channelled into health anxieties "what if this, that or the next thing" and that is not uncommon with mothers who have been emotionally abused when young. I think you need to relax with your son and just give him your attention, play with him, read him stories, have some fun and you will get rewards from that, especially when he joins in with the game (don't mean anything formal) my 2 year old gr dghtr loves playing "catch" - she runs off and I have to catch her!! It's all very complicated!! Is your DH a good dad to your LO.

I really do think you need to find a good therapist to re-visit what happened to you in childhood, unearthing the buried trauma. It isn't a cure but it makes the trauma more manageable and so loses its power over you. Thing is I'm not sure you are going to get this on the NHS, but you could ask. They usually offer 6 sessions of CBT which is about the "here and now" and how to prevent negative thoughts spiralling out of control and aiming for a more balanced view of your situation. This might help, but I think you need someone who can look at the "there and then" with you IFYSWIM. There are loads of therapists you can access but they work privately and charge around £50 per hour dependent on where you live. I don't know what your financial situation is but if you can afford private therapy you need to go on the BACP (British Association of Counsellors and Therapists) as they have to be properly qualified to be registered with the organisation. They usually give some indication of their areas of expertise, but most of them will be very familiar with situations like yours, but their is no "quick fix" and it can take quite some time (and money)

Keep us posted