Struggling in pregnancy

[50shadesofmeh]

Hi folks and thanks in advance for listening , a bit of background in 2009 I had 3 miscarriages one at
16 weeks it was very traumatic for me and feel like I will never be the same again. In 2010 I had my daughter who is now 2 and I have an older boy who is 8.
I went on to develop post natal depression after my daughters birth and as I work full time as a nurse I ended up sick a lot,
I was started on citalopram and it really helped but put on about 2 stone which has severely affected my self esteem but because I was on meds I did t really care.

In August this year I found I was pregnant again, completely unplanned and I was quite upset due to still being on meds and body still feeling terrible from previous birth. I had to wean off citalopram but I'm left feeling just awful, constantly thinking dark thoughts and thinking I'd be better off dead,
Feeling really adversarial towards everyone and feel like I have no one to talk to, I can tell husband / mum / friends have had their fill of my moans and complaints so I've just shut down talking to everyone about it, I don't want to go back on meds due to issues with me miscarrying my babies in past, I would never forgive myself if anything happened.

Tried to make a GP appointment but never any appointments left, I've had to phone in sick to work and I'm now in trouble regarding my sickness and absence .

Just don't know what I can do, I just want to go to sleep for the rest of my pregnancy rather than be this person.

hi there
struggling with this myself - had to come of fluoxetine in July after conceiving and it's been a real ordeal.

first i spent £200 i could really not afford on some private counselling to give me something.

then i told the midwife and there was a whole maternal mental health team to help me. they said i could absolutely take sertraline but i didn't want to. instead i am about to start a course of therapy - about 8 sessions.

also someone suggested to me meditation - i have downloaded some apps, and gone to a buddhist meditation class. i've also downloaded some hypnosis apps. these definitely help me sleep.

i totally understand what you mean by wanting to go to sleep rather than be this person. you are maybe still going through withdrawal and when that is finally over you will feel better.

if not please keep talking - there are so many of us going through this
xx