Hello, not sure if this is the right place to post this as it's a whinge and maybe not so much mental health, although I do feel like my mental health has deserted me.
I have 2 kids, DD is 2.5yrs and DS is 5 months. Last year (feb) I discovered at 13 week scan my baby had a few problems and I terminated (hard decision, but ultimately the only one) I had him at 17 weeks, and looking back I can't believe it took 4 weeks of tests, results etc to tell us what we already knew in order to go ahead. When I had him, he was so perfectly formed and I see this image every day, although I'm glad I said goodbye properly.
I've been dwelling on that more and more and feeling lost without him, even though I have had another baby boy since. I am also convinced I am going to die.........my mother died when I was 7 from lung cancer, and guess what, thicko here has smoked over the years - not when pregnant, but I have been having a few rollies on the quiet. I Ma going to knock it on the head, as I know it's disgusting, selfish etc - I never do it near my children.
I am so scared I am going to die and leave my children, I wake up with this thought and dwell on it all day, I can't stop it and it's driving me insane. I am also scared one of my children will die to. I haven't told anyone as they will think I'm negative and nuts.
I also find looking after my kids hard and lonely, and my patience has totally gone. My 2.5yr old girl really pushes it, as they do at that age and I just snap, I will shout and have thrown 2 bowls over the weekend, they were only plastic. What worries me is she doesn't seem that bothered by my outbursts, so maybe she expects this shit behavior from me? I don't' want to be setting a bad example - most of the time she is sweet and loving, and I love her to bits. It's always one of them crying or shouting and I never seem to able to do anything.
Folk have suggested Toddler group, and I have been before DS was born, but now I can't get out the house in time for the 9am start, and to be honest, it's bloody boring - I have enough of the kids at home, I don't' want to go to a room full of them, and spend 2 hours talking about them.
I also find talking to people really hard, and trying to get into a conversation is really difficult, I feel like I'm trying to hard and sound weird - I used to work in sales and could string a sentence together without feeling like a freak.
The worst part is, and I can barely admit this to myself is the sex part:( Back in the day I used to enjoy that part of the relationship, but for the past year or so it has repulsed me, I hate being touched and me and my husband have not had any since DS was born. I know people will say he will sod off and get it elsewhere, and he probably will, but I can't bring myself to get back on the horse. I dont' want to face up to it, but maybe it's me, maybe it's him. I still love him and find his attractive, but he never takes time off work, never is romantic and never makes an effort, I seem to be the house maid and that's it. We have been out for dinner with eachother 3 times in 3 years. We dont' have much family about and I've been breastfeeding so have not left DS - we also live miles from anywhere and babysitters are hard to come by.
I just feel so shit at the mo, and I feel like I'm drifting along in a bubble under a dark cloud. Sorry for the long moan, I just had to get it off my chest and talk to someone. Thank you for reading if you have got this far