DS is shy and lacking confidence, so I feel like I've failed him

[anice]

I can feel the depression coming back on again. Things have come to a head at school recently with DS (age 8). I've been frustrated for the last couple of years that he is wetting himself at school because he thinks the teacher won't let him go to the loo. Then the teachers always say that he is very quiet (but he's not quiet at home). Then recently, he has started to refuse to take any notes into school even to just leave it on the teacher's desk, so i have to hand deliver them to the school office for forwarding. If he's unsure which book he needs to do his homework in, i have to write a note to ask.
Its all been getting steadily worse and his creativity has been dropping. He won't even try to draw a picture and his mind goes blank if he's asked to write a story. But he's a really clever child and he's really outgoing when we take him into social situations, even with adults.
So I finally started piecing it all together and approached his latest teacher to ask her opinion. We worked out that he's chronically shy at school. I never knew it.
I really feel that I have failed him. How could I have missed it? The signs were there but I just wasn't looking.
I feel bad and I am getting stressed out by little things now, like the dishes are piling up or the bathroom needs cleaned.
I really don't want to get depression again but I feel like I am headed that way. Depression is so debilitating.

Please talk some sense into me.

Sorry to hear you're feeling this way anice.

I think you are being quite hard on yourself though. Your DS is not shy at home & therefore it would probably not be the first thing to spring to mind in school. What's important is that you've recognised it now & the teacher is working with you to help DS. Parenting brings with it lots fo guilt eh?

My DS1 is 6yrs old & struggling with confidence at school which in turn means he's falling behind. I have a similar problem in that he can be really boisterous, confident & loud but can swing to insecure, quiet & timid. The only difference is he displays this at home & school.

By giving yourself a hard time, I'm guessing you're angry with yourself & I reckon anger leads to depression. I recognise the triggers in myself. I get stressed with the dishes, bathroom etc It's almost like the depression is so all consuming that you can't sort out anything else. I do sympathise as I do this too.

Can you talk to your GP? CBT was a really helpful tool in changing my thought processes but theres no shame in AD's either. Just don't suffer in silence as it is so debilitating. I wish you lots of luck, take care x

mashedpotatohead - thank you. I had cognitive therapy years ago so now I recognise when i am bullying myself. Half of me sees that it was hard to spot that DS has self-confidence issues but the other half knows that my beautiful little boy has been sad and I didn't even see it.

Dont you think we have a blinding optimism where we hope all will turn out ok? It took someone else to suggest I saw my DS's teacher. I felt a bit foolish for not thinking to initiate that process myself!

You sound like a lovely caring mum who wants the best for her boy ;) We all get frustrated with the lil'monkeys sometimes.

Give yourself a break x

If he is not confident at school then the school should be finding ways to help him. I do not see why you are blaming yourself. He is fine with you at home.
My son was very shy and quiet but over the years the school has been fantastic at helping him. I was also a shy child at school and think schools really do not suit introverted children. I know I was prone to comparing myself to everyone else.

op,you are not to blame. If you think it might help,write discreet notes to yourself around the house saying "I am not to blame".