Low enough that cutting thoughts coming back.

[Littleblue]

Wont do it , I deliberately had a beautiful tattoo done over the scars from when I used to self harm within abusive dv ex relationship....somehow it boosts me , but to be low enough to want to is shit.... doc just gives me anti depressants and I hate the side effects , and the counsellor wanted me to talk to an empty chair... was doing a reasonable job of managing it with exercise etc , but everythings been awful recently , and I have NO reserves left , instead of just getting low , im in bed staring at the wall for days unable to eat.

I dont know much about the anti depressants sides of things.
But do you think you need to see the GP again.
Maybe the ADs are not the best ones for you.

Ive been on loads of different ones over my lifetime... never once settled onto anything that didnt make me feel worse tbh , but im really sensitive to meds , am on high end pain relief for back troubles... and that makes me ill too... marvellous huh

You can have 2

Do you think your GP is doing a good job for you with your depression and with your back trouble?

I don't go to docs anymore unless I can avoid it , my exe best friend works there , thats a long and bitterly painful story... If I have to go with kids , I have acute anxiety the whole damn time , I feel like im cracking up , spent the last two days in bed crying..its shit

Might it be best for you to change Doctors Surgery and register with a new one?
Have you been happy with your treatment there and where they have referred you to?
Do you have anyone to help you in RL?

There arent any others , although I can request an appt at their other branch I spose..bit brighter tonight , got another thread going about the breakdown of my relationship :( I'm picking up a bit , need a counselor tbh..

I will have a look at your other thread.

have skimmed your other thread.
Didnt know whether to post on here or there.
It sounds and looks to me that you are in the process of detaching from him.That may take a bit of time,but all the talking on there is helping to speed up the process I think. You are very self aware and aware of his behaviour failings which is good as well.
You are in the worst bit right now I would have thought,or actually,bumped off the bottom and on the way up.
I dont rememebr if you have any children with him,I dont think you do.
On a positive,he does sound a bit better behaved than your ex?, so you did find an improved version than before?
I am guessing that things will indeed get better,but with a few bumps and setbacks from time to time.

I would also suggest you eat little light hopefully a liitle healthy meals from time to time to give you a little energy.
I think in your head you have stepped back from him,which is also positive.

We dont have children together ..no , we have only been dating six months would you believe , It feels awful tho , I love him very much , which is why his behaviour hurts so deeply.... and why I have to walk away , just not up to the rollercoaster... and thank you , I am trying to eat , but I feel gutsick from this....

sitting here cleaning my nails with a sharp pair of scissors , pissed and totally fucked up and heart broken... I wont do anything , wont hurt myself , but havent felt this fucking destroyed in years... I HATE men , he fought for me to give him everything I am emotionally , and it wasnt , isnt enough.... he even confessed he plied me with wine the other night so I would be more inclined to fuck him in his favourite deviant way.. just beside myself , all I want is a normal relationship.

I cant remember everything that is on the other thread,but he hasnt rejected you. It is,as you say,that he has problems.
Shall I carry on posting here,or on the other one,if I have more to say.
tbh,you have most of the answers yourself.
Do you think,if there is a next time,that you will choose a better behaved person than either of your previous ones.

Breaking up with anyone hurts and takes time.

I think you mentioned loneliness.
fwiw,I have said to my DH that if he dies before me,and there were no kids around,I would have to get a lodger or lodge with someone.

I live with my adult daughter , the loneliness runs deeper , as my dp felt like my soulmate... the other threads fine , I have a hangover to nurse , maybe see you over there.... and thank you x