I have spent all weekend working out how to kill myself. I have found the location, sorted out childcare, cleared up finances, cleaned the house and written clear instructions for the care of dd over the next few weeks.
Dd has an appointment at 11am which she desperately needs, so the plan was to take her to that, take her back to school, and go ahead with it after that.
Thinking about the negative impact it will have on dd made me come home and have a cup of tea, and all I can do is cry. A tiny part of me didn't want to just drop her at school and that be her last ever memory of me. I haven't stopped crying since I dropped her off at school, and I never cry. I want to ring the doctor and explain how desperate I am for help, but the last time I went to talk to them about this they said I was just anxious because my life was overloaded, and sent me away feeling like a total idiot. If they did that today I couldn't bear it, as trying to open up to them one more time is going to take such courage that I can't bear for them to dismiss me again.
Because I couldn't access professional help I made a conscious effort to improve my diet, relationships and exercise regime, as I knew I had to do it for dd. I now exercise 4 times a week for at least an hour, eat healthily and meet friends almost daily for a chat, or talk on the phone. However, most of my friends are going through serious things themselves, so I cannot tell them about me, I just say everything is fine, I am looking forward to x y z, when internally all I want to do is die. The thought of having to be alive for another week, month or year is so horrendous. The thought of having to live for a number of years is horrific. I don't want to damage dd, but I don't want to live any longer, there is nothing left for me to live for.
How can I make them believe me? For 20 mins I really don't want to die, and then I wonder why I'm wasting time, and think I should just get on with it.