can anyone help me with this?

[diapergenie]

Sorry to be long winded but this may take some explaining. I have never posted here and I was going to put this in the 'behaviour' section but changed my mind as it is MY behaviour that needs sorting - not my daughter's!

Why can't I cope with my dd (20 months) tantrumming? She is a very good girl, who rarely throws wobblers and I should be grateful, but every time she does scream for any length of time something horrible happens to me. Her only real tantrum trigger is when I sit down to study (I am a single mum and student). I follow Tanya Byrons distract/ignore method for everything, but when she stands there screaming when I am trying to work it seems to be beyond my ability to ignore her. It is as if I can feel a boiling inside my head, and I am about to explode. I have shouted at her a couple of times, but have never hit her. I am so terrified of turning round and hitting her that I can not just sit there and try to ignore her - I always find myself running out of the room and collapsing in tears. She follows me and screams more, which usually results in me shutting her/myself in a room. Then we both cry until bedtime. Most of the time I feel happy, and I feel like a good mother(whatever that is) but after these 'events' I feel guilty and down for days. It has happened about 5 times but I feel like it is happening more and more frequently despite the fact that every time it does I swear I will never let it happen again. Does anyone have any tips? I am sure I don't have PND but I have no idea how to control my anger without having to physically remove myself from my daughter which just makes her worse and is virtually impossible in a small flat. I just feel so angry that she won't let me work and that I have to get up at 5 am every day in order to get essays written before she gets up. I worry that if I cannot learn to control this anger I am going to have to give up my studies.

Hi I once watched one of these programme on taming your children and the child's tantrums were triggered by mum studdying. They ended up setting up an 'office' for the child. With little toy fax machine and desk and all that. It started off in the same room as mum and then gradully once she was used to 'her office' they moved it into the next room./ When mum studied the little girl had her time to study too. They would stop every so often to have a snack together and stuff and it really seemed to work. Dont feel bad that you feel you cant cope with tantrums. My DD thought for a long time that her middle name was stairs as it was that or I felt the need to kill her (not literally but I hope you know what I mean).

I think I saw that program too - I will have to try that next time. I actually feel really stupid for getting myself so worked up. I always worry that I am getting things so wrong.
xx

Well, first off I would say don't be so hard on yourself. You're a single Mum of a 20 month old, you're studying, you're up at 5 every day - you would be a saint not to shout from time to time. And the second thing I would say is that it will get easier - at 20 months she is still unable to express herself very well, so she lets loose all those frustrations in a tantrum. That will improve as she gets older and can articulate what she wants. Also, at 20 months she's very little to amuse herself - that will also improve as she gets older, she will be happier to play by herself and just have you in the same room, but occupied with something else.

Do you have any family who can help out? Maybe take her out for a few hours while you get some studying done?

Do you make the effort to get out of the flat every day (sorry if I'm sounding patronising - not meaning to be - just thinking of things that help me)? It sounds like it can get quite claustrophobic and a quick walk round the park would do you both good.

If your studies are important to you then I think you may feel resentful towards your dd if you give them up - but I think getting up at 5 to write essays is going to make you too tired to function for the rest of the day.

But really, above all, you are doing your best - you haven't hit her, no matter how afraid you are that you might - and when your level of frustration gets that high you know you are doing the right thing by walking away. The golden rule is ignore, ignore, ignore - but that is so hard to do when they are screaming blue murder in an enclosed space!

Bit of a rambly answer really and probably not much by way of practical help - but I do think as she gets older it will get easier (says she, whose 4 year old still has tantrums...) so try and hang on in there (and take lots of deep breaths and count to 10). I think the suggestion of setting her up a little 'work station' of her own is a good one too.

Worrying that you're getting things wrong is the sign of a good Mum

I don't think you need to give up your studies, but you may need to sort childcare. When they're little its much easier to study aorund them- becomes far harder once they're toddlers. What time does she go to bed? - I'm studying at the moment as well and do the majority of it when the boys are in bed. Any chance of sorting out a childminder (I know it costs money but locally cm's cost £3 an hour and some will take on an ad hoc basis). In deadline weeks I book ds3 into a childminder quite a bit, so I can get stuff done.

thank you SL - I am a real worrier, and at times like this I feel like I can't wait until she is at school, which is ungracious as most of the time she is an angel.
'getbackinyourjimjams' I had no idea child minders could be that cheap. It would definitely be an option, although she has never been anywhere without me before. I am quite lucky in that she sleeps 3 hours in the afternoon and very well at night. It's just that I am doing a LOT of studying, and probably don't have the best time management skills in the world.

If she sleeps three hours in the afternoon, work then. Don't get up at 5am - it's a killer (been there, done that) and it will affect how you feel all day. You can cope with so much more if you're not tired. When you say your time management skills are not good, do you mean actually knuckling down and getting on with it when she sleeps? Are you easily distracted? YOu have to learn to ignore anything else and think "right, this is my study time. No distractions." I work from home and it's hard to ignore the mess, and the dishwasher needing unloading (and Mumsnet !) but it has to be done.

Childminder sounds like a fab idea but you have to make sure you really use that time to do what you need to do. When she's awake you can do the other stuff - give her a duster and let her help.

Good luck. You sound like a good Mum to me.

SL I do work during her nap but I am easily distracted (usually by the wodge of brie in the fridge) and don't work particularly quickly anyway. I have just been reading Cheekymonkey's thread in the parenting section about her anger, and the response she got from people on here makes me feel that maybe I'm not such a demon after all. Guilt and motherhood seem to go hand in hand, sadly.

I'd start to look into a childminder. I have 3 children and its only recently that I've started using childminders. I have 2 that I use- and they are both excellent.It's worth looking into anyway - for extra support from someone who gets to know your child.

Can't really add anything useful to what has already been said. Just wanted to say you are not alone - I graduated last July after studying a degree as a single mother (had my ds after my first year). I was also suffering with PND. I found getting sleep helped enormously (although my ds STILL doesn't sleep through . Just wanted to add my support, understanding and very best wishes. As has already been said, the fact you are worried about it makes you a good mum! Your DD will be very proud of you! Things do get better. x

thank you bb
I have a b@%&ch of an essay atm so that is making things so much worse. It's good to know someone else has got thru it without total meltdown, though.
Well done.
xx