Hi everyone, this is only the second time I've ever joined a discussion on Mumsnet. I have recently realised, through therapy, that I've suffered from depression for a long, long time - nearly all my life, in fact, without ever knowing it. I'm 46 now and I think it probably started when I was about 5 or so, and then was massively exacerbated by my parent's incredibly acrimonious divorce when I was 7, the ramifications of which lasted many, many years.
I've coped with it by always pretending that I'm absolutely fine, even when I feel hollow and desperate inside, and by keeping very busy. But I've always struggled with the things that I could see other people were fine with and wondered why. Now that I know that I have depression, and I'm having therapy and taking Sertraline 100mg a day, I think it's actually getting worse. It's almost as if, now I've stopped pretending that everything's OK, I haven't got any coping strategies left.
My husband really doesn't know how to help or how to respond at all. He's always relied on me to be the strong one, doing everything, sorting everything. Now that I'm really struggling to do this, it seems as if he just can't handle it. I think he wishes it would all go away and everything get back to normal.
The other problem is that I don't know if I love him anymore, or even if I ever did love him. I think I married him because I thought he was the best I could get and if I didn't stick it out with him, I'd never find anyone else. I knew my mum would be happy if I got married, and I've spent my whole life trying to get her attention, love and approval - my wedding day was probably the only day I ever got those things from her.
I've been having a - very!- long distance affair with my first boyfriend, who lives in Australia with his wife and two grown-up kids. But I think that is on the way out, which is making me feel sick with devastation. I feel that he's the only person I've ever loved and ever will love. I don't know what to do without him.
The worst thing about the depression is that I isolate myself so much. I find it impossible to talk to anyone, I cut myself off from everyone and just feel worse and worse. I've told a couple of friends about the depression, and they are sympathetic, but I don't think they really understand how serious it is and how bad I feel - suicidal some days, crying endlessly and finding it almost impossible to do the simplest task such as cook the dinner. I work from home so I spend days not speaking to another adult, obsessing about how much I love my lover and how impossible it is for us to ever be together. I know that I should just get over him and try to make things work with my husband for the kids' sake. But I don't love him, I don't fancy him, I've never enjoyed our sex life - he suffers from erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation - and I can't bear to sleep with him anymore. I'm desperately trying to go through the motions for the sake of the children, but I'm finding it harder and harder every day. And yet I know that I'm lucky as I have a house and we're not rich but we've got enough. I'm just so devastatingly lonely and unhappy, feel a total failure, don't enjoy anything, feel my whole life has been a disastrous waste, mourn all the terrible things that happened when I was a child and how no one has ever helped me with any of those things. I just don't know how much longer I can cope - and yet everyone I know thinks I'm fine and I'm sure they think I'm just being spoilt and melodramatic.
Sorry for the very long post.