When did you know for sure that you were depressed?

[Lottapianos]

I experienced emotional abuse in my childhood and have huge problems trusting myself and my feelings. I often feel guilty for having negative feelings and have intrusive thoughts along the lines of 'how dare you feel so sorry for yourself! Other people have it so much worse than you, you ungrateful brat, pull yourself together'. You get the picture.......

I think I am depressed at the moment but I can't be sure. Reasons why - feeling so sad inside, often feel like crying, when I do cry I feel like I might never stop, absolutely zero motivation at work, spending hours wasting time when should be getting on with other things, extremely sensitive to any kind of expectation from other people however small. Reasons why not - I am functioning day to day, no-one at work would guess I feel like I do, I can do the face-to-face parts of my job well but seriously procrasinate about paperwork and less urgent stuff. And part of me feels I have no right to be depressed - I should just 'pull myself together' and get on with it.

I went to GP this morning and have got prescription for Paroxetine 20mg. I'm going to discuss with my psychotherapist before taking them - I'm wary of starting meds but at the same time, I feel like I need to sort this out and it's just too damn hard to do it by myself at the moment.

How did you know for sure you were depressed and what was the point where you decided to confront it? Thank you for reading

I have suffered depression on and off for the past 15 years, i know my symptoms i get withdrawn dont want to socialise, i withdraw from my kids and husband, i get very emotional cry alot for no reason and feel very low and sorry for myself. I had a very traumatic time last October, my horse died suddenly and the next night my husband nearly died and was in hospital for nearly a month, with three children to look after and my horse no longer with me (he was my anti depressant) i became very robotic and numb. I have since had councilling have been on anti depressants for nearly a year and have the strength to get up every morning and look after my kids and my now disabled husband. Dont worry about taking them, they take a few weeks to get into your system and they do help, with out you noticing it you can look at things in a different way and deal with it. My councelling also helped me to think about things in a different way to help me deal with it and to stop worrying about what you think others are thinking... Chin up and good luck you have done the right thing and first step to helping you x

it took me ages - i never had anhedonia, i could always find pleasure in life, i could function, and i was so proud to say 'i may be bonkers but i''m not depressed'.

it was after my therapist died that i felt i had classic depression symptoms - wanting to cry all the time, not being able to function, feeling flat and anhedonic.

it still took a lot for me to start taking medication - at that point my DP got an unpaid break in the film industry and i had to be the breadwinner. that just wasn't going to happen unless i got help.

the meds helped tonnes and i really recommend them.

xxx

Thank you both very much for replying. It does seem that meds will be the way forward. I felt absolutely desolate last night - just came home from work and got into bed and cried. My feelings are holding me back from enjoying my life and I'm sick of it.

Thank you for your support and I wish you both continued good health x

What are you feelings that are holding you back? is it that you struggle to see a future?

I have intrusive anxious thoughts all the time. I find it hard to make the simplest decisions. I feel guilty for feeling anxious, like it's something I 'shouldn't' be feeling. My childhood was full of emotional abuse where I wasn't allowed to have my own feelings and was made to feel ashamed and wrong all the time. I'm working hard to try to undo that in psychotherapy but it's terribly painful.

Your childhood has gone along with the abuse and wont come back either. what has happened has happened. You have to be yourself now and not worry about the future (anxiety) it may never happen. Look after yourself in the present.

I'm sorry you have to be thinking about this OP. Depression doesn't have to be situational- so in that line of thought, everyone has the right to have their mood taken seriously. It's not an indulgence.

It came in stages really. I had a minor bad experience early in the year and that made my mood progress downhill much more rapidly than it had been doing, although I wasn't in a good mental state beforehand anyway. After that I kept telling myself that it would just take time, a few months to go away, but it kept getting worse. I decided about a year later that if it wasn't depression, then I was just imagining everything. Things were getting bad then. Very very teary, very tired, frustrated, bad thoughts going through my mind all the time, couldn't concentrate at school and spent my breaks trying not to cry in the library/loos. It wasn't until about two years after that that I finally started calling it depression- people aren't going to take a teenager seriously, especially since I masked it quite well at times. I was having an assessment for something else at the time and they referred me for counselling and CBT, and I got put on ADs, the dosage of which was raised over time. I wish I could say it made me feel better to be taken seriously, but it does nothing at all. I don't have down and up days, I just have blanks.

I think you know that you WERE depressed when you start coming out of it and start to feel better. It is very easy to slip into depression and it becomes normal and yuo live with it. If it was me I would give the tablets a good try and see how you feel in 6-8 weeks time, good luck

Lotta It certainly sounds like you have depression, though of course it can range from very mild to very severe and some people are able to "put on a front" when necessary. Your GP must have diagnosed depression, given that he/she has prescribed an AD.

I hope your psychologist can assure you that taking an AD might well help, not with the underlying cause, but with the symptoms you are presently suffering. Unfotunately the psychologist I saw when experiencing depressive symptoms, completely discounted the medical model and refused to see me if I went on ADs. I saw her for 3 months twice per week, and I was just getting worse and worse, until I finally became so ill with depression and sky high anxiety that I was admitted to hospital.

I think the best psychologists believe that both the psychological model and the medical model can be helpful. I was wondering if you are experiencing PTSD as there are many MNs talking of a therapy (EMDR) that is very successful in PTSD. You could google it if you are interested.

superfanny I have to say that I find your post in relation to abuse in the past unhelpful, as it seems to suggest that it's been and gone, and get on with life. I am sure there are many thousands of people who have experienced emotional trauma in childhood would love nothing more than to "forget all and get on with life" but sadly this doesn't happen. Indeed some people will suffer from the effects of emotional trauma in childhood throughout their lifespan, to a greater or lesser extent, though good psycotherapy can help.

Could I just say a big thank you bumblequeen. You have just described me. When, on the couple of occasions I have visited GP's about how I have felt, I have been brushed off with either being told I should get out more or 'well, you're getting to that age dear.....' (I was 38 at the time.....). I've always considered I suffered from depression (if runs in the family unfortunately) but because it has been undiagnosed told myself it was me over reacting and my fault that I struggled to cope.
Last night and this morning I finally cracked. This year so many shit things have happened on top of years of emotional abuse/lack of emotion from relationships and after sobbing for a while (it's ok, the neighbours are away, they can't catch me this time!) I realised how angry I actually am inside. And even if I talked for hours to a therapist, it won't change the people and their behaviors. And this realisation has actually made me stronger in a strange way, because I now don't care.

I'm so sorry for downloading on your thread OP, but I am alone with a young daughter who I never want her to see me at my worst and I have no one in RL that I feel I can confide this in, so doing this anonymously like this helps.

Thanks

Another thank you to bumblequeen. I went back on citalopram yesterday after coming off a four year stretch of it a couple of months ago bcause I recognised all of the symptoms you listed are coming back.

It's funny (not really) but when i see the Berocca adverts I feel as though I'm desperate to be me "but on a good day". I am NOT the person I feel I am at the moment; my downfall is feeling that I live my life reacting to other peoples' (mostly DD1's and exh's actions. I need to take charge of my life.

Beyond Blue is the Australian depression initative and it has checklists. I did the Sphere depression check list and the anxiety one and took it to my normal doctor a week after the duty doctor said he thought I was depressed. (It was depression and generalised anxiety).

I feel just the way you describe Bumblequeen. Today I was thinking I would love to take my DS and run away from everything. I also find that little things upset me and I overreact to things. I think I am depressed but I'm not getting any treatment at the moment - just off sick. I feel OK for a short time and then suddenly it will all kick in again. I'm not sure what to do to get better.

Well you sure sound depressed OP but even if you don't want that label, your feelings are valid and a little help would be useful, right?

If you do decide to take the meds, give them a good go; some people change their minds after a few weeks and then slip backwards again and in doing so start a cycle of on med/off meds - feeling good/feeling bad.

Hopefully your GP and psychotherapist will help you to work out a good plan for meds and talking therapy.

How is your diet, your sleep, your fitness, your social life? These are all key to staying well.

Look, I've done the rounds of depression/anxiety/trauma and it's fairly tedious but with good help and some tweaks to medication, diet and some RL help, you can enjoy life. xx