Can somebody talk some sense to me please?

[FionaOJ]

Hi, I have namechanged for this.

I have been depressed on and off since my daughter was born in 2009. I fell pregnant during my A-levels, I wasn't in a good relationship, and I only knew I was pregnant for 7 weeks before I had to have an emergency c-section at 28 weeks.

My dd was very poorly for a long time, and has long term recurrent health problems. I split up.with dd's dad when she was 18 months old. He was controlling and for the 6 months after we split he made my life hell, until eventually he was arrested for harassment and threatening me.

I am now in a good relationship, we are living together, and DDs dad has accepted this and has regular contact with dd.

I seem to dip in and out of depression, good days and bad, good weeks and bad. I know when I am very low and I have told myself to get help many times but I always seem to wake up feeling a little better and I don't go to my gp.

The last few weeks have been awful, my dp was in a serious car crash and it has sent me spiralling down again. He is fine now but last night I broke down and told him exactly how I am feeling, he was supportive and wants to come with me to the gp tomorrow.

The problem is my gp is a small practice, and I deal with them every week for my dds health issues, I'm on first name terms with the receptionists and Dr's. My gp and dd's even rings me of his own accord to see how she is or let me know he's spoke to her consultant etc. So I really don't want to lay it all out to the Drs I have to deal with on a regular basis. I don't want them to know what an absolute failure I am and that I'm not coping. Please tell me I'm being silly because I'm trying to talk myself out of going.

And thankyou for reading if you got this far!

Well for one you are not a failure and have had alot to contend with concerning your daughters health issues and past relationship problems.

Go with your partner who sounds very supportive to the Dr and explain exactly how you feel. Nobody will judge you.

Sometimes in life we just need a helping hand.

Good luck

That is the depression talking. Your GP will be glad you had the sense to consult re your mood. There is no shame in being depressed, honest!

Thankyou both for replying. I am worried about being judged, I put on a convincing front and a lot of health professionals comment on 'how well I cope' and how much we've been through etc, which really dosen't make it any easier to turn round and say, actually I'm not coping. I feel almost as though I am letting dd down and letting them down by not being strong enough!

This is a very common feeling, fiona, and it's also common to be able to put on a good front. But doing just that takes it out of you I've been through the deciding to go and then undeciding, really that's a symptom. If you spiral down further without getting help, then you will be letting them down

Arghhhh wish me luck then, dp will frogmarch me there tomorrow, he suffered severe depression a few years ago so he knows what I need to do, and how hard It's going to be..

You poor thing! Your Drs sound great, Im sure they'll give you the support you need.

fiona I know totally what you mean about putting on a front. I also tend to appear to the outside world as if I cope brilliantly with everything life throws at me, but on the inside i am a bit of a wreck(see my recent thread!)
I just plucked up courage to go to gp and have started ads...I know its hard but you need to look after yourself.
and I really believe no one will judge you, you are not failing, you are just not well and need a bit of help - no shame in that.
Good luck

Fiona - GPs and nurses and all sorts of other medics get depression. I Don't know if you know that 1 in 4 people will get a mental illness (usually depresion and anxiety) at some point in their lives and one third of GP consultations are for mental health problems.

I can see what you mean because you know the receptionists and GPs at the practice but they will treat you as the patient this time not your dd and will in any event probably see the origins of your depression related to you dd's health problems. Over the past few years you have had an awful lot to put up with. You must have been quite young with a pregnancy you didn't discover till very late on, that must have been a hge shock. Then all the trouble with your ex, and your DP's recent car crash. It's small wonder you are depressed.

I have intermittent depression and it is THE most horrid, scarey illness to have. Yes it does fluctuate, from week to week, day to day and for me during the day too, I'm afraid it's the nature of the beast. Don't try to put on a good "front" when you see the GP as that won't help him/her or you.
Brilliant that your DP is going with you.

Thanks doodle. They are good Drs, and that's what scares me a bit, I don't want them to think less of me because of how I'm feeling, and that next time I have to go in and fight my DDs case, I will have lost their respect(?) and they won't trust my opinions as much as they do now. Not sure if that makes sense.

Poo- I've had a quick look and I can relate to what you've written, I work part time but at night so I end up doing 18-19 hour days once I've looked after dd all day then gone to work, plus the housework, and the general stress/anxiety I seem to carry round with me all day, It's like a physical weight on my shoulders, so at the end of the day I just want to sit down and have a drink to try and relax, but the next morning I wake up exhausted and have to talk myself into doing it all again. I feel so sad that I am not giving my dd 100%, just going through the motions, and she deserves so much more after everything she goes through without a single complaint, she puts me to shame.

Nananina- thankyou, that makes sense, and I know the biggest hurdle will be swallowing my pride and admitting I am not invincible, and talking honestly to him instead of glossing over the facts. I have got so used to putting my feelings to one side and dealing with whatever the current crisis is that I don't even know where to start telling him how I feel.

There has been a lot more, smaller, events that I didn't put in the OP, the little bits of stress like moving house, the responsibility of DDs medication etc, she was NG fed for 4 months because she gave up eating completely, vomiting constantly, she was like a skeleton. She was also in hospital for a month this year with pneumonia. And minor health problems for other family members. It just feels like a constant tide of bad luck and bad events are plaguing us.

OMG Fiona you call these "smaller, minor events" - I think you are completely under estimating the amount of stress that you have been and still are under, and expecting that you should be able to sail through all this.
There is a book called "Depression - the Curse of the Strong" (can't remember the author - some medic) but it's on Amazon.

How about writing your symptoms, emotions down in a bullet point list so that you don't "forget" anything.........you so need some help and mention you are drinking and how much (I know many people with depression self medicate with alcohol) but that's not the way forward as I'm sure you know and you can't drink with ADs anyway.

Sending you warm wishes.

I think you are right, just writing it down here in one go is quite strange, like it happened to someone else. I am probably far too good at appearing calm and in control, because I don't have a choice. My job is working directly with customers, so I have to look nice, and I have to be on good form. I have to be in control when dealing with all DDs health professionals, in this area waiting lists for consultants are huge and I have to fight to expedite appointments and get referrals.

I also would rather die than let ex p know that he got to me, and he really was cruel after we split,amongst other things, he sent messages to my family and friends saying I was a ticking time bomb waiting to have a breakdown, all he had to do was sit and wait then he would take DD. That was a year ago and it definitely made me more determined not to show any weakness to anyone, I know how silly that is!

I know I'm drinking too much, but I can and will stop, I can take or leave alcohol but I'm just indulging at the minute

I've done that too, working at night as well as looking after dcs all day. I don't want to put everything on here as it makes me very recognizable but i can relate to a lot of what you are saying. For me what helped was medication and counselling and time and also going a bit easier on myself. I had to stop working for quite a while which caused a financial strain but it was necessary.