does anyone have terrible anger with depression?

[lostconfusedwhatnext]

feeling blue all day. It was my birthday yesterday, feeling a bit lost and lonely, very fragile today.
working from home today, went to buy some food, dp is sahd but never cooks for me and threw away some leftover curry I was going to have.
bought more stuff because his mum had an operation and I am going to bring her a casserole when we visit at the weekend.
came home and totally lost it because there was nowhere to put the food in the fridge. I hate the way he overbuys food at random, stuffs the new stuff in front of the old stuff and I who hardly ever get to bloody eat here have to pull it all out and sort it once a week. always me, never him. sick of everything here being grim and filthy, i have to clean the kitchen to make my breakfast in the morning, clean up after myself, i'm gone before anyone else gets up, back at kids bath time and then afterwards clean up again after their day, and then if I can be arsed finally make my own dinner.
I am shocked at how completely I lost it. I mean totally.
Also that it felt really good in the moment just for a second to shout my head off about all the things that bug me every day and I never mention.
now I feel terrible. completely awful. the dcs are napping, I hope they didn't hear me and get frightened, I hope the fact that they are quiet means they didn't I think they would cry if they are scared, they are too little to keep quiet. I hope so I really really hope so.

really sick of living like this, knackered all the time, always doing laundry and cleaning when I am not at work. had to make my own birthday cake so dd1 could put candles in it. just feel so tired and sad now

not sure what I am asking really just feeling very lonely and ashamed of losing it, don't know what to do next, I hate this life but can't begin to think of how or what can be changed. I mean I really hate it, I think of suicide a lot but I can't even think of that seriously now I have dcs

feel so shit and trapped
and really really angry
and so terribly old

I'm sorry you're feeling so rubbish.

I too got very very angry and had a shorter fuse when I was depressed- your emotions are under so much strain that it's not surprising. The good news is that when your depression subsides, so does the anger.

For what it's worth, the fridge thing and the cleanliness thing sounds very annoying, I'm not surprised you blew up. Even if your dcs did hear it, it wont have done them any harm- I think almost every single person alive must have heard their mum lose her temper over the state of the house during their childhood- it's so normal. Nobody lives in a cornflake advert Pleasantville lovely-lovely land all the time. You're human, you get annoyed- although maybe you could talk to your husband when you're feeling calmer about him changing the way he does some things around the house?

When I was depressed, the guilt was often worse than the anger. It sounds like you're feeling hugely guilty right now too.

I really would urge you to go to the doctor and tell them how you're feeling. Tell them you're suicidal. Therapy helped me enormously- try and make it your first priority, even if you think you can't afford it right now; it will help.

Thanks Party
I am having counselling, it isn't helping, I just talk about myself and the counsellor says really obvious things sometimes.
I went yesterday, on my birthday, went to the supermarket on the way home, called mil because "d" hadn't and she was back from her op, left it till 8 to call her hoping dp would, he didn't of course, that was my birthday. went home and had bad takeaway. another fucking dismal weekend looming. really didn't know that my birthday would upset me this much. I didn't know till I saw my friend on Facebook with the same birthday getting fussed over all day. Changed my settings so she is not in my feed - too late

there is no way out is there, this is it, this is just life
it's really cold and we can't afford the heating I am going to be cold till May
I could scream and scream and scream

Dont be ashamed of losing your temper. Sounds as though you needed to.

I agree if you are feeling suicidal you need to get some urgent help.

You say you can't think how or what can be changed. From your post, it seems that one obvious change would be to get more help at home and not have to come back to grime. What does your partner think about this? Will he do more?

And happy birthday. I totally get the Facebook thing. It can really take the shine off to compare yourself against someone who seems to be having such a great time. But you don't know how real that is so try not to let it get to you.

I am ashamed.
It was foul.

Feel a bit better now the dcs are up and we've had a cuddle and a round of "wind the bobbin up". Back at my desk, fit for shit obv, just trying to knock a few paltry things off the list before the end of the day.

I really don't know what the solution is, I don't think dp will be at all open to hearing what frustrates me so much about the house, certainly now (not that he was before) but I actually really can't bear it.

I know when you are depressed you have no appetite for anything and feel very hopeless so I don't want to annoy you by giving lots of suggestions if you are not in a place right now where it helps.

But you have a partner who should be part of the solution for you, not just part of the problem. I too find living in untidy home very irritating and upsetting. If he can't or won't do more, can you get a cleaner? Even if just for a few weeks to help you get through this?

If you don't think your partner would be willing to try and help you both find a solution together then that is probably a bigger problem than the housekeeping. Would he go to relationship counselling with you?

Hi - sometimes I have found that although I have depression it is my circumstances and things I am going through in life that are the issue and not my mental health. It took me a long time to learn that and it was only when i had made significant changes in my own life for me that my depression was actually lifted or manageable. Not saying that is the case for you, but could you focus on making changes in your life that are causing you such unhappiness - as sometimes talking about it may help you realise what the issues are but without action it doesn't change anything. (For me it was giving up a long commute, a bullying boss, sorting out a physical health condition I was ignoring etc etc and so on).

PS - and yes, until I made those changes lots of things annoyed me and frustrated me and made me so angry with me and dh. In fact, the anger itself (either external or internal) was what fuelled my depression I have now learnt.

In my case, I was depressed and angry at my H for doing no housework and not trying to earn a living. I ended up with a diagnosis of bi-polar. But when I began divorce proceedings last Sept, my depression lifted overnight (although process was stressful).

Just saying.

Thank you everyone. I appreciate your replies.

There are a few things here and it's hard to unpick them all. Just so tired apart from anything else.
DP is ok but he doesn't run the house as well as I did when I was on mat leave. We had a chat about it and he says he doesn't get it but I should just ask him to do things. that's ok. Better than nothing.
dd2 is going through a really difficult patch - colds and teething - which makes everything tricky.
I suppose it's just gritting your teeth and hanging on really

I could have written your post except I am single. Anger, depression, guilt. Tick. Tick. Tick. Perhaps we could share what helps. Exercise does me a lot of good

I think many men don't realise the deep cleaning that needs to be done, the insides of cupboards, cleaning the woodwork etc because they creep up without being noticable. Is that the kind of stuff yours leaves out? In which case telling him sounds fine!

Mine thought housework began and ended with the washing up! But he was a lazy entitled slob, sounds like yours is v different :)

In fairness to ex, I have exaggerated a little. But not much.

Yes, I have terrible anger with depression.

Your thread really rings true for me, I feel choked up reading it; the sheer desperation of life with depression, young children and "d"H who don't really help. How do we get ourselves to this position? and how do we get ourselves out of it?

I let myself get angry at someone at work recently. Most colleagues have said it was out of character for me, but my manager really had a go at me. I'm not saying it is acceptable to be angry at work (even when provoked, as I was), but it makes life even harder. I'm so disappointed in myself for letting it happen. My manager doesn't understand PND and I don't think she has made the connection. I have felt depressed and guilty in the weeks since.

Anyway, medication really helps me. As does time alone. I used to love exercise, but am just tooo tired for it now and on the evenings I feel well enough to go to gym, it wipes me out for the next day or two.

Talk to your DH and take care of yourself x

Sorry to hear that so many of you are suffering in the same way. beakysmum, I feel for you in particular. It's nasty when you lose it and you know you shouldn't have; but although you can't defend yourself you just want to say "this was the hundedth time! Don't I get kudos for the 99?"

Best of luck to all of you.

I am reading a book about CBT for anxiety which talks about 3 techniques and one of them is the Hidden Emotion Technique where you uncover what you're feeling and not facing which is leading to the anxiety. I suffer from anxiety as well (which is why I am reading the book) and I think a lot of the anger and the anxiety come from the same place: covering things up. I was reading this on the train and wondering how to solve this - it is clear to me now that understanding your own emotions doesn't necessarily mean you have dealt with them, sometimes you have to tell the other relevant person too. I thought about saying certain things to dp or my mother and was flooded with panic. I think I may need to get someone to help me through this!

good luck everyone