does how you feel inside match how you appear to the world?

[poobum5]

So, on the outside, I get up every day, I get dc up (with dc help admittedly) and get them to school on time, with more or less everything they need.I then go to work in a very demanding professional job, where I apparently come across as very competent and calm. I finish work and collect dc from school, come home and sort tea/reading homework etc...admittedaly lately I have been fairly crap with housework/laundry etc...but it gets done...
on the outside I seem fine, to work colleagues, aquaitances and even to dh a lot of the time.
On the inside though I am a mess. my anxiety levels go through the roof. I am binging on all sorts of total rubbish. I have gained over a stone in the last few months. I hate myself and my body shape. I am beyond grumpy with dc. and I hate myself for that. I drink even though I know it wont help in the long term but mostly because my feelings of distress become too much for me to bare and I know that wine will make me feel better in that moment.
I know the things that will help me , such as going running, but never manage to keep that up more than 2 or 3 times in a row.
I really truly loath myself. I have thoughts of killing myself - but don't think I would because I do believe that however terrible I am as mother that my dc would suffer irreparably if I killed myself so I know I wouldn't actually do it but when my feelings of distress get to this point I am overwhelmed by an urge to just run off and end it all.
I am not on any meds though have tried anti ds in the past with varying success. DH is very anti meds.
It all feels so bleak and I cant see any way out of this mess. I have tried telling DH how bad I feel, but really dont think he has a clue.
My GP is totally useless so I cant go there.
I am trying to sort some money for some counselling, but some days I dont know how Im going to go on, but I always do....I am such a failure.
I have wonderful beautiful children who I really dont deserve and it kills me that I am being such a crap mum to them.

Good luck ... let us know how you get on :)

The job sounds good.

Good news you are already making changes, excellent
Don't want you joining my tshirt club!

thanks all.
I felt really low this weekend. Its weird, sort of as if even writing about it on here, then making drs app etc... means I have sort of stopped pretending everything is OK and carrying on regardless...bleuuurrrgggh!
Im VV scared about Drs app tomorrow. It's after work so I just need to focus on getting through work first then deal with app. Hopefully after I've been I'll feel a bit more relieved....sigh...

Good luck for tomorrow poobum5

Good luck for tomorrow I went on Friday saw hv first by luck as well. Was a complete mess the rest of the day and weekend. Been given ads and ordered to take time off work (which I've said no too as it'd be worse going back)

I saw my gp last week after several months of feeling similar to what you describe in your OP. I was V scared about saying the words out loud, and probably made little sense between sobs! But felt such relief for doing it. She gave me the phone number for our local iapt nhs service where you can refer yourself for counselling. Their website will tell you if you can do this in your area. I'm going back to see her tomorrow to discuss ad. Good luck for your appointment.

OP - just wanted to wish you luck for tomorrow. I just read your post and cried as it could so be me. I too have a highly professional + stressful job working 4 days a week, two DC at school age, ailing parents and lots going on. I am not unhappy but completely anxious/stressed most of the time. I don't have any relaxation apart from sleep - which often alludes me. To everyone I am a highly organised picture of success but inside I am full of horrendous anxiety and self doubt/loathing.I do not give myself an inch and feel this contributes to my problems. I have recurrent/regular migraines and constant 'fuzzy' head with makes me feel detached. I really hope you get some good help tomorrow and please update here as I am trying to accept this is what I need to do. Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

scariest good that you found the app a bit helpful. What ads did you get? I totally know what you mean about taking time off work - I would be exactly the same...BUT it may be something really helpful for you , give you a bit of breathing space whilst you the ads kick in? ( However Im sure I will end up totally ignoring my own advice.) hope you're doing OK
spinning well done on getting to GP. Did you contact IAPT? were they any good. Hope you're app with GP goes well tomorrow.
dinky I'm sorry to hear you are in a similar place. It is not a nice place to be. I do identify with everything you have written. I will let you know how I get on tomorrow. Hang in there.

Im still dreading app...but I know I need to go.
DH just asked me if I'm "sure you want to go to drs tomorrow" ie do you really want to end up on ads....well NO! I DONT WANT to...but also I would quite like to stay alive and given how bad I feel right now that may not last long if I dont get help....
just want tomorrow over....sob!

hey, just wishing you strength today. Ignore your DH about ADs, they are great. If you had diabetes, would he hastle you about insulin? A heart condition and the meds to keep that working? ADs are the same for the brain/mood...

To answer your orignial question: nope, how I look and appear to function has very little to do with how I'm feeling, except for the moments of desperation when I CAN'T keep the facade going and it just shatters.

You know you can't stay stuck in this rut-
Take the drugs maaan!
Do the counselling!

Be nice to yourself & take a break
Step off the merry go round & have a breather.

If the drugs help- who cares?
Seriously take an omega oil supplement too- v good evidence it can be as supportive to the brain as Prozac.
Personally if the doc prescribes it- take both!

Plus look at the bigger pic ( which you prob wont be able to do if depressed) if you take time off work- get gp to put "unwell" on sick note. Take 2 weeks. Drink hot chocolate & hug your family.

It WILL be ok, you WILL get better, you just need to make some changes

thanks for all the encouragement.
Just back from docs. He has prescribed citalopram. app went pretty much as expected. I told him I would like to go back on citalopram and he said OK. and that was it. In a way its good because it was V straight forward. But it would have been nice if had asked me even a couple of questions....and he has as always given me a 2 month supply, with no request to see me again, and in my past experience I will be able to order repeat prescriptions for as long as I want without ever having to see him again. Not really best practice. Makes it feel a bit like I am treating myself when actually I don't really feel well enough to be making these choices totally on my own and would value at least some discussion and guidance from him...oh well!
I did almost not go...but then the thought of continuing feeling how I am made me feel so desperate that I thought I would possibly get to the point where I couldn't take any more quite soon.
I am going to start trying to find a good therapist next and get some sessions booked in.
I didnt ask about time off work in the end. I am just a bit concerned that if I was to apply for this new job that has come up it may look bad on my record being signed off...not sure they would know, but I seem to remember occ health sending a questionairre to me which had Qs about time off etc when I got this job...
Work was just awful today. As soon as I pulled up outside I got such a sinking feeling ....not good! I am so hoping this new job possibility works out...fingers crossed...
anyway...off to drink tea and try to calm down a bit.....

Hi poobum , I am glad to hear you are getting sorted. I actually went to the docs myself today and he is upping my amitryptiline dosage which I take for chronic migraines. He thinks it will have the added benefit of lifting my mood although I did tell him I was not unhappy, just stressed/anxious as my head feels like it is permanently in a vice! I really hope the Citalopram works its magic for you. Please keep posting with your progress

Sorry - forgot to say a big THANK YOU to you as it was your post which made me get to the docs today and start to sort myself out!

oh dinky well done on going to docs. It is a big step. I really hope that increasing your meds will help. I'm glad that my moaning was of some help!
I have been surprised by how many people have posted to say they identify with some bits of my post actually. I think that there are actually possibly a lot of people out there appearing to be totally calm and in control and perfect and happy etc...when actually on the inside the reality is quite different! In some ways I think dropping the pretense and admitting that you need help may be the hardest step....

Dinky, getting migranes is one sign of a brain tumor... I hope you've had that ruled out! I'll stop being paranoid now. I hope

poobum - sounds like you are doing an amazing job. My dh suffers fromdepression and I know how exhausting it is to keep the front up to the outside world. For support about how work is affecting your mental health you could try the Richmond Fellowship - my dh has just been referred to our localcentre and they specialise (I think) in work based stress - www.richmondfellowship.org.uk/.
Hope the citalopram starts working for you soon - your GP sounds like a complete arse by the way. Just remeber to not beat yourself up about your eating etc - it really doesn't matter and when you are feeling better you will easily lose the weight.

thanks sundew. I'll look into that link, sounds interesting.

Day 1 of citalopram today and felt rough for most of morning...but not too bad on the whole....
Off to discuss possible new job tomorrow. fingers crossed it ticks the right boxes!

So sorry poobum and anyone else on the thread having a crap time. I have intermittent depression and it is the most horrid illness there is I think. You have a dreadful GP PB - sounds like he is completely irresponsible. All GPs should give you another appt to see how the ADs are working. Do you feel able to complain about him to the Practice Manager. He is getting paid a very large sum of money and is not doing his job properly. As for googling depression, that is unbelievable and I think you really should complain though I know that will take a lot of emotional energy that you don't have right now.

Dinky have you ever been prescribed one of the "triptans" for migraine. There is sumatriptan (brand name Imigram) and some others but can't remember the names. There are quite a few "triptans" - they are not pain killers but reduce the swelling in the blood vessels around your brain (which is the cause of the pain in migraine) and they changed my life. I was having migraines almost every week and GPs kept telling me there was nothing other than paracetemol which didn't touch it. I used to have to lie in a dark room for a day and unable to work. Since taking sumatriptan the pain is gone in 2 hours.

GPs don't like prescribing it because it's a relatively expensive drug (about £5 per tab) and I only found out about it from a friend and when I asked the GP for it, he prescribed it. I was angry that I had suffered so much just because of them not wanting to prescribe an expensive drug.

Dinky - if you are having regular migraines has your GP ever suggested a daily preventer? my dd2 takes pizotifen (with sumatryptan if she still has a migraine). This has made a real difference for her.

MrsMuddyPuddles I had an MRI last year to rule anything serious out.

NanaNina I have not tried anything else apart from amitryptiline at a really low dose so will have to give it a bit more time at the increased dose before I ask for anything else but thanks for the advice. The Triptans will be my next port of call.

sundew amitryptiline is my preventer at the moment. I will keep Pizotifen in mind thanks

Poobum5 how is it going on the Citalopram? have you experienced any side effects? hope you are feeling better - I am UP and DOWN!!!