Hi, I'm just after some 'independent advice' if anyone has some time to read my (long) story.
When I was a few weeks pregnant, one of my sisters died last year in an accident. It was very stressful, involving life support machine being switched off etc. I was obviously devastated about it at the time and muddled on through my pregnancy. I now have a beautiful baby along with a 3 year old and a caring DH who I love very much, but does have a tendency to bury his head in the sand when something bad is going on.
A few months ago, I started getting terribly anxious about things and was very down, I was finding it hard to sleep which makes things difficult with two small children to look after. It was also affecting my ability to breastfeed (adrenaline stops milk letdown). I eventually went off to the doctors and was diagnosed with postnatal depression/anxiety. I was quite anti taking any medication but was scared I was worsening (this could have been genuine or could have just been the anxiety telling me I was getting worse). I was prescribed one of the SSRIs ? I took one and had horrendous side effects. I got no sleep whatsoever, got all sorts of vivid, strange images in my head whenever I started falling asleep I?d then suddenly wake up, I felt sick, had a headache, felt really twitchy and basically like I was in a black hole. If it had been 10% as bad, I would have never taken another of them.
I carried on without any medication for another month or so then became convinced I was worsening again. I had all sorts of worries about ending up in a psychiatric hospital and taken away from my children. Worse case scenario thinking at its worst really. My health visitor suggested that I should go along and see a doctor again and recommended a more sympathetic one who was lovely. She listened to me properly, agreed that I probably shouldn?t try another SSRI and found ?Trazodone? instead, which was compatible with breastfeeding. She suggested I was feeling like I was because of a ?delayed stress reaction? to my sister?s death. Being pregnant, I wouldn? t have dealt with it as I normally would, in order to instinctively protect the baby from stress hormones, and the stress is all showing later. She said she?d given it to another mum who was feeling similar to me who was now feeling much better. I agreed to take it because I thought I had to do something to get better for my family and myself. I was on the waiting list for counselling but I was aware that it could take a while to work and I felt I needed more of a quick fix ? although I was planning to try counselling.
I took them for a couple of weeks and started to feel clouds lifting, but not back to normal yet. My dose was increased a bit (but still was below the minimum dose for depression). I took the higher dose for a week or so and started to feel my normal self on some days. I was so relieved. Then one night I woke up with ringing in my head (tinnitus) so I stopped the medication after speaking to the on call doctor. There was no mention of tinnitus being a side effect in the information leaflet, but it is listed in the physician?s desk reference. It is still ringing 2 months on. I can feel the area of my brain it?s coming from. It?s mainly one side but occasionally spreads to ears. I get occasional ?zap? sensations from the area when I move my head. I can?t think about anything else and it?s stressing me out beyond belief. I?m getting about 3 hours sleep a night but what can I do about it? I daren?t take any more medication. I?m so anxious and tired some days that my hands are shaking. On top of that, I recently had another bereavement ? someone who I feel I should have seen more of but didn?t and I don?t know why. I feel terribly anxious and tied up with guilt about that too. I feel bereaved that I've lost my ability to experience peace and quiet, and to sleep. Has anyone had tinnitus from antidepressants and did it go away?
I've had a few counselling sessions now but don't think they are helping. I just moan and nothing seems to change.
I have seen an ENT doctor who just said if it was the medication, the tinnitus should have stopped when I stopped taking it. He couldn?t say whether or not it would go away. I can?t bear the thought of having this for the rest of my life. It?s feeding in to my anxiety and depression and I?m getting trapped in a cycle. As soon as you mention tinnitus to doctors they look at you like you?re a lost cause. The only advice seems to be to relax and get used to it. Both seem impossible at the moment. I?m now frightened that if I keep going back to doctors about depression and things, I?m going to end up on a black list and maybe social services will start monitoring me.
I don?t feel that I can talk to my family about any of this as they are all still devastated by my sister?s death and I don?t want to burden them with more bad news. I feel I?m letting down my family who I love to bits. All I've ever tried to do is do my best for them but everything seems to be going wrong. DH is supportive but is at the end of his tether I think. It would appear that I have a perfect life ? nice house, caring DH and two beautiful children who don?t realise anything is going on, but on the inside I?m a complete mess. I feel I've let everyone down - my family, my baby who I've now had to stop breastfeeding.
Sorry - this is massive, thank you for reading. I'd be really grateful for any advice about what to do.