I've created a new thread from my previous one about coming off ADs as I feel like I'm in a bit of a mess. I'm glad I can talk freely on here as I feel like when I discuss with friends/ family I'm boring and depressing them with my moaning about this, people have far worse things in their life than me and here's me off work and not seeing anyone because I feel 'sad'.
Yesterday I managed to get out. I went to a food market fair with DH to support a friend, who I met previously at an evening class (not a close friend ifywim). She doesn't know about my condition so I acted 'normal'. I've become good at hiding my dark/unhappy self, but anyways I enjoyed it and it was nice being outside the house seeing people other than family who don't know about my depression.
On the way back, DH and I were discussing what a nice afternoon we'd had and how pleased he was that I was out. This is so hard to explain, but from feeling slightly positive and 'happy', as we were driving back home, I started to feel a dark cloud of sadness come back again over me - except it was even worse than before. I didn't tell DH how I was now feeling but when we got home, I said I was just going to pop to the shops and drove off. After about 30 minutes, I pulled up in a car park and debated with myself whether I should go home or kill myself. I won't go into what happened after as this post is already too long but after about 2 hours, I finally headed home to my frantic and worried DH, parents and children. I think they were so relieved to have me home, they just put me to bed. I woke up this morning after a very deep sleep and went into parent/'normal' mode, getting DC off to school and sending everyone on their way. Now I'm sat here typing this thread on my own asking you for help.
I'm not sure if this is the ADs or my depression getting worse? I'm on sertraline - it's now week 3, having started on citalopram for 5/6 weeeks which gave me anxiety. I know I won't actually kill myself, but I feel so much despair and sadness now despite that flicker of enjoyment yesterday. I feel such a burden to everyone and to myself. I can't do the simplest things other than type on here, try to sleep and watch tv. As well as the depression, my mind is racing with all sorts of confusing and anxious thoughts, I feel like I need to be put to sleep.
I've written everything down as best as I can, I will talk to my GP and counsellor about this but I'd be grateful if once again, any MNers out there can offer me any comforting words. Thanks.