low mood/self confidence issues...I know what I need to do

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

But I cant bring myself to speak to anyone. Where do I find the strenght?

In the last week the only people I have had a conversation with are DP and DD. This is my norm. I used to have friends. I have withdrew from them all. I dont speak to any of my family. Before anyone says it, its entirely my own doing, not DP manipulating me. Infact, I think hes a bit worried about me.

Where we have just moved to there is a little corner shop that sells homemade cakes for the bun aisle. They make them on site. DP was chatting to the owner who mentioned they were looking someone casual to do a few hours a week helping out with the baking. This is my ideal job. It couldnt be more perfect. I could manage the few hours even with being pegnant and we could do with the money. All I have to do is go in and speak to her.

But I cant. I keep putting it off. Its really the final straw. Why cant I do it? Im so angry at myself.

I have so much going on. So much to deal with. I cant process all the thoughts in my head. I think I have been ignoring it for a long time.

I know I need to see my GP. But I cant face it at all. I wouldnt know where to start. I know it might get worse and I could end up unable to even leave the house. I want to catch it now. But how do I find the strenght? Have any of you been here? How did you find a way out?

I will do it.

When is another matter. I cant even begin to process the simplest of thoughts today.

I am ratty. Short tempered. Close to tears. I know its not normal and I really need help. Think I need to stop asking myself why its like this and just accept that Im not well and theres no reason I have caused.

:( :(

Well the fact they you have accepted that you need help and are unwell is HUGE in itself. It's a brave step and hopefully the first one towards you becoming well again-and you WILL get well again because you WILL get help-hopefully really soon.

I totally empathise with you-when I'm angry and irritable I can't be rational so when you're calmer it'll be easier.

I feel so sorry for DP. I hate him today. I actually do. Im just not talking at all so that I wont be nasty because nothing is his fault.

Thank you for listening to my moans.

It's better to get it out than let it fester away. Moan away. X

I would keep going if I could articulate the issues.

DP just said I should talk to him about it.

But I dont know what it is. Its like a total block on my brain. I can sit on here and comment on other peoples situations. But as soon as I start thinking about my life its like the gates close.

Maybe because it's too much that is going on and you're overwhelmed by it all?

It does seem like the case from some of your previous posts-sounds like the recent past has been incredibly stressful for you and being pregnant with those kinds of stresses to cope with would be a major challenge for anyone, unwell or not.

How do you feel about your pregnancy-happy? Nervous? Or numb?

I know I've been pretty disconnected with this pregnancy-not excited at all-completely overwhelmed and totally not ready for it. That's been really hard to admit for me.

On the other hand you may be feeling totally fine about being pregnant but other factors are getting you down? You do have soooo much going on.

The pregnancy was planned. Around 8 weeks and 16 weeks I had periods were I seriously thought it was a mistake. How would I cope with two? And this time without my family for support.

That all evened out and now Im ok. Somedays Im excited. We were buying some things recently for it and that was nice.

But its not the same as my first pregnancy. I dont think about the baby that much. I keep note of all the movements and do all the right things eg not drinking, trying to eat well. But at the scans I didnt feel the same as with DD. A bit detached from it all if Im honest.

We thought I might have to have a caesarian due to placenta previa and that was a worrying time. But its ok now so atleast thats something.

I feel bad though and I keep all this in because this is DPs first and hes so excited and I dont want to ruin it for him.

Phew. That was a bit of an avalanche.

It is quite normal to feel less excited about second child from what many have told me.

Ive been scared more than anything. I'm glad things have evened out and you're able to look forward to things on occasion at least. You may not feel able to tell DP but do let things out on here. Avalanches are good because they can help to clear up the block you described.

What are you scared of? If Im going to have a good moan you should too :)

I am scared this baby will be a bad sleeper or have allergies/reflux. DD is going through a difficult phase right now and I dont know how I will cope.

Other things going on are DP being adopted and he might be getting in touch with his birth family.

My family being complete knobs and having to come to terms with not having them around anymore.

Its all exhausting.

Oh you poor love. I know so well how these bad days are, when you feel shut down and can't cope with anything. AND you have to cope with a small child. I honestly don't know how you young mums do it - ask your partner to get you an appt PLEASE. YOu say you feek your brain is totally "blocked" and I have exactly the same feeling. Medics don't really understand brain disorder so we certainly can't but there are meds that can really help you. If you had a broken leg you wouldn't be refusing a cast would you. In my mind mental illness is far worse than physical illness anyway.

Thanks Nana. Hoping tomorrow I will feel better enough to phone the GP.

I hope so too!

My fears are pretty much the same as yours. DS is still only 17 months old and not the greatest sleeper on the block. I struggled a lot with hi
as he is pretty high needs and I am so so so worried about how I'll cope with a newborn and boisterous toddler. I'm convinced the newborn will be a constant cryer because I've been a constant cryer through the pregnancy!

Anyway, this isn't about me...it's about helping you to get the help you need. I just thought I'd share my experience of AND to see if any of it resonates with you. Even ladies who have planned pregnancies can get the dreaded illness. It is evil and makes you think all sorts of horrid nasty things that aren't really you.

:(

I am sitting here ready to cry. DP is pacing.

We have lived here for two weeks. The first night the dogs were unsettled in the new shed and they barked. Neighbour to the right comes round shouting coz his 15 month old was woken up.

Brought the dogs in.

We have now rehomed the younger dog (my heart is broken over that) and the older dog still hasnt gone back to the shed. We are going to get him neutered and then he will go out.

So at night dog is in the house. During the day he is in the garden. Walks have been shorter than normal due to everything else going on. I cant walk far and DP is snowed under.

Today it was raining so dog didnt go out until 2pm. He barks now and again during the day (we have been on high alert since the neighbour came round and have been counting barks. He only ever gives a single bark and it averages 5-6 times a day.)

So the neighbour on the other side has come round complaining that their 6 month old has been woken. (our dog was asleep on the back step) He barks all day. They dont want that happening again.

Then he says "do you walk your dog?" DP replies yes. The man keeps asking.

Now, we have heard from another neighbour that the wife barged into this house the when the last tenants were here and handed them a parenting book. The whoe street heard her screaming at them

I just want to cry. Why cant they just mind their own fucking business. What right do they have.

Aaaaaaagh.

DP just told me that he said "if you dont do something with the dog I will." as he was walking away. I heard most but not that.

More threats. For fucks sake.

I'm so sorry for all the crap and stress you're having to deal with on top of your other difficulties. It's so awful. Your neighbours sound truly vile and I can imagine how yesterday's altercation must have affected you and made you feel even more negative.

I really hope you're ok. How are you today? Any luck with getting an appointment?

A bit better than yesterday but not much. I have a mw appointment tomorrow so I will say to her about it.

Just really narks at me that people cant just mind their own business. I can tell the wife is the only person in the world who has ever had a baby.

But thank you for asking :)

I'm sooooooooo glad to hear you'll be talking to your MW tomorrow. First step on the road to recovery. It's a long road but you will get there with the right help.

How did it go with the midwife? I hope you were able to talk to her.

I am attending Confidence classes, very good, lots of good ideas, I still lack confidence but can feel it getting better, I have GAD, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, it's a bugger makes your anxious about everything!!

Oh my neigbours have a dog and I have a dog... there dog craps in my garden all the time, I say nothing... minie wanders to their garden and all of a sudden I have dog police here. They were very understanding over un-stable neighbour.

Do you walk your dog? "fuck off.... do you clean your teeth?" you stink!

Yup these classes seem to be working. I also had a great medication but I am unsure if it is suitable for pregnant women, it got me out of the house and into work, I was still anxious but it gave me something I needed. Mitrazipine, it also makes you gain weight though.

I saw a consultant and had a scan. Babies abdomen is small. They raised no concern. But Im feeling guilty now as it appears this is caused by poor nutrition :(

Told her I was feeling low and teary and sometimes anxious and she asked had I been under any stress. I told her about DP losing his job and having to move etc and she said it was normal

I know it isnt. So I will be making an appointment with the GP next week.

Today I had to pick up DD from school and then go do the grocery shop on my own. And I got through it ok but I was anxious. Thats not me. :(

Oh honey. Your midwife didn't turn out to be very helpful. Grrrrrrrr!

I'm glad to hear you are making an appointment with your GP. Could you maybe get an appointment for tomorrow.

If consultant isn't too worried about baby's abdomen then I don't think you should be. I had scans throughout my first pregnancy and they kept saying he was measuring small for his gestational age. In the end he was a perfect 8lb and has ended up on 91st centile for height and weight.

Well the weight was ok. But the abdomen was 33+1 and all the other measurements were over 34. Im 33+6 so its a bit odd.

My GPs are hopeless. If I phone today they wont have any appointments left this week but they wont be able to take appointments for next week either. Something about rotas.

She was pretty crap. I had to wait two hours to get seen aswell. And they keep saying about high BP. Well I wonder why!!

It is so difficult to get appointments with GP here as well. Complete pain in the arse. I feel like shaking your midwife! She should have referred you for further help seeing as you asked for it. Resisting the urge to use expletives!