Why confide in a friend?

[belindabrighteyes]

Hi, I have a really stupid question to ask, that I know I should know the answer to - I just can't work it out. I have mental health issues (I self harm) that nobody knows about, but the other day a friend noticed I was down about something and said something along the lines of "You can trust me if you ever want to tell me anything." I'm not sure how I feel about this, I think I would like to tell her, but can't really articulate why, and don't feel like I could stop self-harming any time soon (and don't want to try) so am not really sure what the point would be to tell her. Isn't it just selfish to make her part of my problem when I don't feel ready to do anything about it? And is there a point to confiding in someone about something I know they can't do anything about?

Thanks for reading, I know this all sounds really silly but my brain just seems to have stopped working.

Can I gently ask how old you are?

Hi Belinda - my advice for what it's worth is not to tell your friend about the self harming. I say this because it is very difficult for people to understand this, and don't realise that it is something that is usually done to feel physical pain rather than emotional pain. I don't think it's possible for people who have not experienced mental illness to understand what emotional pain is like - it defies description. I think people think being depressed means you are "a bit low" or "fed up" because this is how the word can be used.

I picked up a leaflet on self harming (I have a friend who self harms) from the GP surgery and I think it is mainly written for medics because I think there have been many cases where medics have felt annoyed with people who self harm and have not given them proper care or pain relief for stitching etc. They don't understand the reasons for self harm and I can on one level understand this, because it is a complex issue really. I know people self harm for different reasons, and for some it can bring a measure of temporary relief. My friend has started going out fast walking when the urge comes over her and sometimes this is enough to stop her, sometimes not.

Are you having any help for the emotional distress that lies beneath this self harming - if not I think it's really important that you do. I also think you could "test the waters" with your friend by telling her a bit about why you are feeling "down" or depressed or whatever. Mental illness comes in so many different guises and is one of the most "deceitful" illnesses there can be.

The leaflet I picked up has been produced by MIND - on the back it gives you lots of websites to look at but it does seem to be mostly about the NICE (National Institute for Clinical Excellence) guidelines and is written for medics and ambulance staff. There is though websites on other matters related to self harm. I'm sure if you want to you could google MIND and find this leaflet. I think it is progress that such a leaflet is being made available in GP surgeries on a problem that is so widely misunderstood.

Maybe you could tell her part of the story at first, leaving out the SH and see how that goes, if it helps, what her reaction is etc? I really struggle to confide in friends as I worry that I am leaning too heavily on them and that they have their own issues. Plus depression is so hard to describe to people who have never experienced it. But I do have one person I can confide in and it does help, just putting it into words. Try talking, just maybe take it slowly

I feel like this too MsRB but I am fortunate enough to have a few very close women friends and a partner who does his best to understand. Don't know how I would get by without them. Have just spent an hour on the phone to a friend, crying for much of the time, and I know how tiring it can be for the listener. Depression is the absolute pits, though I suppose there are plent worse things, just can't think of them when I am feeling like I am tonight.

amillionyears - I'm 22.

Nananina and RiaBull - thank you for your advice. I think that you are (both) probably right that mentioning that I s/h to her is probably not the best thing to do, she is a good friend and I don't want to take advantage or waste her time. I've not told anyone about this, so am not receiving any help, but I don't think I want any right now, I know I couldn't cope with not doing it. I've had a look at MIND and read up on it, I just don't want to have to do anything about it (that sounds lazy and awful and it's not supposed to, I just can't imagine not doing it.)

RiaBull - when you say it helps putting it into words, what do you mean?

As she is a good friend it's not worth the risk telling her. You say you don't think you want any help right now. Maybe if that changes then maybe only then you could consider telling her. Do you mean you couldn't cope without s/h ing? I have felt like this too. But have also gone through periods even a few years without so it can be possible. But is extremely hard and some times are much harder than others.

Hey Belinda. I'm 21. I've self harmed for ten years now, and understand what you mean about not being able to imagine not doing it. I did stop for a long while, and have unfortunately fallen back into things recently.

Do you know the reasons why you self harm?

Self harm is a very misunderstood thing. There is a huge stigma attached and people fail to see beyond the cuts themselves a lot of the time. I have a few friends with mental health issues, and we are able to be honest with each other about self harming. Other friends know I do it, or have done in the past, simply because they have caught sight of my scars. I don't think I have discussed it more than to say "I'm self harming again, and its getting me down" with those friends, and again - they are very few.

Maybe discuss why you're feeling the need to harm yourself as opposed to the way it is manifesting with your friend?

^I really don't understand why anyone would advise you or anyone to keep this a secret op. Your friend wont think any less of you and obviously suspects something by saying what she did.
By encouraging people to keep any mental health problem secret you help to make ur more stigmatized when ut shouldn't be.^

Yes I agree with the sentiments MonthlyNamechange and in a perfect world I agree. But unfortunately the world is not perfect. I'm certainly not suggesting that OP keeps this a secret. But she did ask if she thought she should tell her friend. I read this as "should I tell my friend I self-harm?". If she'd ask "should I tell my friend why I'm down/low/depressed etc" then I would have said yes.

The huge stigma around s/h means that whether we like it or not the response isn't always helpful even if the response to mental illness was less unhelpful or even helpful. Ime s/h is much harder to treat than the depression (or whatever else) that lies beneath it and if the underlying cause isn't worked on first then the chances of 'curing' the s/h is minimal. And even if 'cured' we run the risk of replacing our initial s/h of choice with a different (but possibly just as destructful in the long-term) 'ritual'.

Of course there are those of us that have a good experience of telling our nearest and dearest about s/h and yes the OP's friend could turn out to be excellent support. But equally her friend could ditch her -and oh yes I believe that if she did this then she isn't a 'true' friend - and she just needs to be prepared for that even if it hopefully doesn't come to that. However, only the OP will know how much she needs her friend. We don't know all the details eg. how long have they been friends, what her friend's views are on mental illness in general etc hence why I suggested against telling. There are right times and wrong times to lose 'friends' and only if it is a 'right' time would I risk telling a friend of mine. Just me though. Maybe you've only had positive experiences of coming clean about a mh issue and I'm genuinely pleased for anyone that has been spared the additional stress and anxiety that a negative response can generate.

I agree with alteredstate - it isn't that I think you should need to keep self harm private, but I'm not sure it would be worth the risk at this point. I would consider talking to the friend about feeling low and struggling with depression (slightly making an assumption here, as not everyone who self harms is depressed, but you know what I mean) though. Self harm is a coping mechanism, it isn't the problem in itself, and so I don't think there would be anything to gain in talking about the self harm rather than the issues behind it, but talking about the cause of it could help, and then perhaps in time you will want to revisit the idea of telling your friend about the self harm, depending on how supportive she has been. I realise other people will feel differently regarding this, but as a teenager I lost friends by being too open about my experiences (with mental health problems generally, not just self harm) and so would urge you to think about it carefully before saying anything. Unless people are familiar with mental health problems and understand why people may self harm etc then they can find it quite shocking, and your friend may feel awkward if you told her that you self harm but that you don't want to try to stop at the moment - that could potentially be a frustrating situation for someone who doesn't know a lot about it. I think by all means try to talk to them about the feelings you are experiencing, but personally I wouldn't mention the self harm until you have seen how she takes that, and possibly not even then if you still didn't want to try to stop. But that is just my opinion - it is difficult to answer without knowing more about the relationship.

As many have said, usually self-harming is a coping mechanism and a way to release emotional pain and cover it up with physical pain.

If you don't want to tell your friend that you self-harm (entirely up to you) are you in a position to tell her about the emotionals that lead you to s-h?

It's not much of a friendship if you are pretending everything is 100% fine and happy when actually you're quite down... she seems to have noticed you are not entirely happy/content whatever and she'll probably know if you're lying to her that you are.

I know some of us have been urging you not to tell this friend at this point in time about the SH, but certainly talk to her about feeling low or emotionally distressed or whatever is underneath the SH. I can only endorse everything that AS and PP have said.

I understand MNC about the business of keeping mental health secret and am of course very well aware of the stigma that still surrounds mental health issues. I think this stigma is so entrenched in society (out of fear/ignorance/whatever) that it is going to be exceedingly difficult to change. I think the media reinforce the stigma (right from the mad woman in the attic in Jane Eyre) to the reporting of "Paranoid schizophrenic stabs innocent bystander" etc etc. In actual fact most attacks are committed by people without mental health problems, but the "paranoid schizophrenic" is the one that sticks in people's brains.

I have had 2 major episodes of major depression (15 years apart) and both times hospitalised for 3 months. My last one was Easter 2010 and my sister asked me how I had got to hospital, and I was a bit puzzled and said "R drove me inthe car" and she said "did the neighbours see you" and it dawned on me that she really did think men in white coats had come for me. She sort of admitted it, and I wasn't that surprised because she is a bit unwordly.

However 30 years of my life have been spent as a social worker and middle manager in a LA SSD. I was still at work when I had my first episode and yes I had loads of support, cards, flowers, visits etc., but when I got back to work I found myself challenging colleagues who were referring to clients as "nutters" "barmpots" etc and I suppose I had done the same before experiencing mental illness myself. And this was in a social services dept for god's sake!!

Anyway Belinda you have a mixure of views and I'm sure you will make up your own mind (always the best way to go!!)

It can help to tell someone - makes you feel less alone.

I SI and I am pretty open and honest about it, I get far more normal reactions than bad reactions. People seem pretty understanding.

I think sometimes people can worry, worry that they will say the wrong thing or that you will hurt yourself after speaking to them. I reassure people that this is not the case for me, and also explain that I am not looking for answers or to be fixed.

I have professional support and I suppose that helps because when I do speak to friends they know I am supported. I would strongly recommend you seeking professional advice or support.

Don't want to hi-jack but just wanted to say "Hi" to FDG - haven't "seen" you around for ages. Hope you're doing ok.

Thank you everyone for all of your messages. I think that (as several people have said) the best thing to do would be not to mention the self harming. I don't want to lose her as a friend. I think for now I'll just leave saying anything to her. I understand what lots of you have said about telling her about feeling low and the reasons behind that, but I guess I need to work out why I feel like that before I can explain that to anyone. At the moment, I'm absolutely 100% fine, happy as anything, but it only takes something tiny to make me feel like it's the end of the world! (I know that's stupid). She just happened to catch me just after something tiny had upset me. Thank you for all your support.