I have a history of mental illness going back to my teens. These episodes come and go. I have taken numerous overdoses. The worst one was when I was nineteen, I am 34 btw, and ended up in intensive care with liver failure. It is not attention seeking. My mental gets so unbearable I just need it to stop, but once I have taken the pills I always get scared. I don't seem to be able to inflict pain on myself, so can't slash my wrists.
At the moment I cannot sleep. My brain just seems to be over-active, i feel like I'm running on nervous energy. My thoughts are all over the place, when I try to focus on something I get distracted by random thoughts. I can't concentrate at all.
I can't care for my kids like this. My concentration makes it hard to be organised. I forget where random things are, i forgot to pack nappies to take to my sons nursery, go out shopping and don't have my purse. I can't prepare meals without fucking them up. Last night I bought a frozen pizza for my kids tea, and burn't it. They were so upset when they thought they were getting pizza and got a cheese sandwich.
I am becoming one of 'those' mums. Who feeds her kids shit ready meals instead of cooking. I do things like prepare a healthy stew and forget to switch the slow cooker on! Am so agitated I end up yelling at the kids in public. I am a scum mother.
I feel so irritable and snappy. It's like I'm physically agitated and can't relax. I can't link this to anything, past or present, these episodes come out of the blue. I get really tearful too. I have paranoid thoughts and, in the past, have become hallucinated voices and believed absurd things.
My first diagnosis was recurrent depression with psychotic symptoms. Then my psychiatrist changed. I went to her with an episode like this and asked for help sleeping. She said she wouldn't prescribe anything as I had borderline personality disorder and the only help is CBT. She basically said I had made manipulative suicide attempts and had a history of being verbally abusive. The verbal abuse has been a few incidents when I was paranoid, irritable and though staff were having a go at me. It was a few times in hospital, not a regular feature of my personality FFS. I basically felt she was palming me off onto a psychologist because she didn't want to deal with me.
I got worse and worse so she sent the home treatment team in to 'support' me. I was going through what i am going through now, but they wouldn't give me medication to help me sleep! I got worse and worse and ended up slamming my door on the home treatment team. I also screamed at the psychiatrist. They told me to go to hospital or be sectioned, so I went.
In hopital they gave me olanzapine and lorazepam so I finally got some rest. The olazapine made me feel like I had restless legs. I had to keep shaking them or pacing. When I told the P she said it was cannabis withdrawal and I was not sectioned and didn't have to take it. She didn't offer me an alternative so stopped. Eventually I let them discharge me as I couldn't change doctor or get a second opinion.
I went a long time being well. Three yers ago, after the birth of my son, I started to have these episodes frequently.Have tried loads of different antidepressants, none control it. Some make the agitation and sleeplessness worse.
I'm on my second episode in six months. Have been assesed a few weeks ago, when feeling well, by nurses. They decided to send me to the consultant for a definative diagnosis and reassesment of symptoms. I've now relapsed, my GP has given me zopiclone 3.5 mg but it's doing sweet FA. She has told the MH team it's urgent 3 days ago. I think this may be mixed episode bipolar. (bipolar in the family) But I never get euphoric or enjoy the feeling. Can you only ever get mixed episodes??? If this is the case i might be treated and be functional again if on the right drugs. If not, I have nothing to live for, because antidepressants either do nothing or make me worse.
I just can't cope. I can't look after myself let alone my kids in this state. I am on lone parent benefits but will be required to seek work next september. I know I am unable to work during these episodes but also know I want get enough points on the Work capability assesment with the symptoms I have.
I know if I turn up to a job in this state, my concentration will render me useless - i tried volunteering in a charity shop and couldn't focus on the right buttonds on the till and kept ringing through the wrong amounts on the till! I would be so slow there would be a massive que forming and I would make mistakes even when going really slow.
I am worried I will get sanctioned and have my benefits cut if I get fired for being useless. Or go on workfare and be useless. I can't cope with being a bad mum,not being able to work however hard i try, and feeling like this.
I keep thinking of doing it properly this time by hanging myself. I don't want to do this to my kids but feel I have no choice. I don't want to call for help as i don't want to be thought of as attention seeking again.
Sorry this is long and rambling, cant concentrate and it's taken me ages to write this. I have been up since 3 am after going to sleep at 12!!!!!