Someone help me, I can't cope and I'm ruining everything

[ImGivingUp]

I don't know if this is in the right place or not. have n/c

I don't think I can do this anymore. I am a complete fuck up as a mother, I'm a horrible shouty person, my son ignores me and I don't think he even likes me anymore. I have really tried my hardest, shown him lots of love but I am doing it wrong and I am going to ruin his life. I can't even get him potty trained and he starts nursery in a couple of weeks.

I am sitting here in tears because I just want to run away. If I leave, DS and OH will be better off without me. Ds is playing just now, he hasn't noticed I am upset, or more likely, doesn't care. Why should he? I have just shouted at him for pooing his pants. Why should he care when I can't even teach him how to use a toilet properly. His behaviour is awful, he screams, shouts, throws tantrums. I have tried all the advice I have read on here but nothing is working

I know I am fucking it up. I asked my mum to help me and she said that there are worse problems out there and I have just got to get on with it. But I can't. I love DS so much and I want him to be happy, get on well, make friends but how can he do that while I am still here.

I don't know what to do

How old is he, OP?

Just a couple of things jumped out at me from your post...the fact that he ignores you, doesn't notice when you're upset and is poorly behaved - has he always been this way or is it just being caused by the stress of toilet training?

What age did he learn to speak?

He learnt to speak at around 18/19 months, not long after he learnt to walk. He is constantly talking and running around from the time he gets up until he finally falls asleep which is usually after a battle of 2 hours.

He has always been this way, it got more intense around the time he turned 3. I honestly don't know how to cope with it. It must be something I am doing wrong, probably because I really struggle with patience. I am just so so tired of 13 hours a day of battles. I don't smack him, never have but he often hits or kicks out at me.

He really is a lovely, lovely boy. Very clever, friendly and absolutely beautiful and I think he would do far far better with someone that knows what to do

He sounds pretty hyper :) No wonder you're knackered!

Kids of 2-3 are known for lashing out and indeed being deliberately obstructive when they don't get their own way - at this age they are testing their boundaries, but that said...

...could you perhaps ask your GP or Health Visitor for their advice? I'd ask them about his hyper / aggressive behaviour, especially - my brother became a little gitbag at the age of eighteen months; suddenly the sweet little angel he'd been before vanished and my mother nearly went mental trying to train him to use the potty. It was only when she took him to the doctor that his chronic glue ear was discovered - the pain he was in was causing him to act up, and he wasn't selectively ignoring her orders, turns out he couldn't actually hear her!

I'd get any health issues totally ruled out, first. I'm sure nothing is wrong with him and he's just being your Typical Toddler Terrorist, but it might be worth seeing what a GP thinks about his behaviour.

Also: bear in mind that at this age they lack a full understanding of other people's emotions - they are self-absorbed little buggers, but that isn't their fault, they lack the ability to empathise to a great extent; that part of their brain development comes later. He is honestly not trying to turn you grey before your time!

As for the training itself, I swear by good old fashioned emotional blackmail. As in "oh, such a shame...you've gone in your pants again. All the other little boys and girls at nursery will be able to use the potty... they might think you're a baby if you can't do the same."

I know he IS a baby, but that's not the point. The hardest thing in the world is to ignore them when they start up, but if you can, just walk away and ignore is tantrums. If he doesn't get the reaction he's looking for, the bad behaviour becomes less attractive to him.

And finally: they used to call gin "Mother's Little Helper" for a reason, you know! Don't be too hard on yourself. x

I think posters are focussing on your child, but I am wondering about you OP and it sounds like you are depressed. You say "I am sitting here in tears and just want to run away" and feeling that your DS and OH would be better off without you. These things seem to me to be depression. I am no medic but know from experience that those are the sorts of things that you feel when depressed. This is most probably why you can't cope with your little boy, and are a "shouty" mommy - when depressed it's difficult enough trying to cope with ourselves, let alone small children. I have intermittent depression following a major depressive episode and am lucky really as my family are all grown and have their own families. There are many young moms on here who are struggling with depression and small children. Sounds like a nightmare to me - I can't even cope with the cats when the depression hits me.

I think the least of your worries is your son's pot training, and his behaviour. This is normal for young children and he possibly is reacting to your feeling ill and defeated, but this will pass. I have to say I was shocked to read Calileah's para about shaming him and telling him all the other children will be using the toilet, although I agree with a lot of her post, though don't think you need to see the GP about your son's behaviour. I do think however that you need to see the GP about yourself.

Please come and tell us more about how you are feeling and if you have had depression/anxiety before. Most of us when depressed want to "run away" - we sort of want to disappear because we can't stand the emotional pain of depression and it tells us things about ourselves that aren't true, like our loved ones would be better off without us. This is the depression talking.

I honestly think you need to see a GP and tell him/her how you are feeling. It is a good idea to make a list of your symptoms in case you cave in a bit when you are there.

Does any of this make sense to you?

Thank you both for replying to me

Last night we went and picked OH up from work and when we got home, I told OH I had a headache and went to bed. At 7pm. And I stayed there all night. I left OH to sort out DS's dinner, bed time, everything. I pretended to be asleep when they came upstairs so I didn't even give DS a kiss goodnight. I am a shit. What sort of person pretends to be asleep so they don't have to kiss their son goodnight. And then to top it all off, DS stayed in his room, played quietly and was snoring in about 20 minutes. That, if nothng else, proves that I must be doing something wrong. Usually he runs about, stamps and screams but when I leave them to it, he goes to sleep nicely.

I have been on AntiD's before, when Ds was about a year old and me and OH were on the verge of splitting up but all they did was make me sleep. I didn't feel better, I just wanted to sleep all day and it was a massive struggle to get out of bed to go pick DS up from his childminder. I can't do that again. I was a zombie for 3 months until I stopped taking them.

Also, before I met OH, when I was feeling like this, I would scratch until I drew blood. I scratch now but stop before I blees, I just do it until it hurts and then I stop. My stomach has scars, if anybody notices, I tell them it is cat scratches. I have never told anybody that, not the GP before, or my HV after DS, and typing it now I can see it is not right is it? I just can't seem to keep up with everything, whenever I turn around people are pulling at me to get me to do things and I can't cope with it all

Look love, the kind of mother who pretends to be asleep so as not to kiss their child goodnight is a depressed one, quite badly so from the sound of things. Depression makes us think things about ourselves that aren't true, "we are shits" "we don't deserve any help" "why would anyone want to bother with us" "there should be something we could do to get ourselves out of this state" "we feel ashamed" "we are bad mothers and our kids and loved ones would be better off without us" - to name just a few! I know cus I've been there and still am sometimes as my depression is now intermittent.

I know you have taken ADs that did you more harm than good, and unfortunately that can be the case because different ADs act differently on different people. That's just another trick it plays on us.

You mention self harming before you met OH - do you have some psychological trauma from the past that overwhelms you sometimes. Self harming is now much more understood and I have just picked up a leaflet from the GP surgery giving advice to all health care professionals about this aspect of mental illness. It is best to mention it but don't worrythat you haven't done so.

You are definitely overwhelmed with life at the moment and am sure you want to crawl under your duvet and stay there and let the world carry on without you. Most people with depression feel this way and we call it "duvet diving"

I think you must see the GP again and make a list of your symptoms (like a shopping list) so you don't forget anything, or hand it to him/her if that is easier. Explain that the last ADs did more harm than good and they will try a different one. It is I'm afraid a fair bit of "trial and error" with ADs but most people find one that suits, and then you have your life back. 4 out of 5 people make a complete recovery from ADs in 4/6 months. The trouble was for you , you had ADs that didn't suityou. Please believe that this is a common occurrence and you have to try another one.

IF there is some trauma in your background you may need therapy too. Also wondering what is your relationship like with your partner as he is OHand not DP or DH. Maybe I am overthinking things here.

I know the ADs you took before were no help but this is very often the case because different ADs work differently on different people