I think SIL might be annorexic and don't know what to do.

[AllOverIt]

That's it really.

The family are at their wit's end, and we dint know what to do. My other SIL tentatively spoke to her at the weekendand it seems she's in complete denial. Her husband is lovely and he is so upset and doesn't know what to do, or how to approach her about it.

She's just turned 40, works full-time as a teacher and has 4 kids so life's very stressful for her at the moment. She's always had a strange relationship with food, and is very skinny. My MIL says that when she returned from travelling in her early twenties she was skeletal and was in a really bad way and her refused to eat properly for months. I've seen photos of her during that time and it really is shocking.

She seemed to get better, and put a bit of weight on, but still refused to eat with anyone. Anyway, after a couple of failed relationships, and three lovely kids later, she met her now-DH and had her fourth. She was born in Jan.

We all saw her at a family-do recently and we're appalled at how thin she is. I thought I saw her eating a sandwich, but my other SIL says she saw her spitting her chewed food into napkins. She later checked the bin and found loads of napkins full of chewed food.

Her husband says they've eaten together 3 times in the last month and he's worried as she does everything to avoid sitting and eating with him. She tells the kids that she's eating later with DH, and tells DH she ate with the kids. She won't eat lunch or breakfast either.

My other SIL had a gentle discussion with her this weekend and SIL lied about it all, saying she always ate with DH and there's nothing wrong. When she popped out to pick up her DS from a party, my other SIL found a cupboard full of chocolate, biscuits and crisps. Her DH asked her about it, and she said it was for the kids. Her DH says she never gives any of this to the kids and, if anything, she's very obsessive that the kids are eating healthily.

We're all at a loss of what to do really. She's such a lovely person and really seems on top of things in other aspects of her life. She's bright and breezy, and this is part of the problem as she brushes off any questions with a smile and deflects concern straight away.

What do we do? Her DH and my MIL are beside themselves. We don't want to confront her and upset her, but clearly we need to help her see that her food habits are not healthy. She's now so skinny, and you can see all the ribs on her chest and back, her pelvis juts out at the front and back. It's heartbreaking

Sorry for typos! 'anorexia' in title being one!

Forgot to add that she also obsessively exercises, running for miles and going to the gym every night.

You could see if there is an eating disorder association that you could call for advice.

It's so hard. We've looked at websites that say not to be too aggressive and 'gang up'.

I'm going to look at local groups, I think there's a charity called B-eat.

Are there any mumsnetters who are recovering anorexics? I just need some help understanding it from her viewpoint.

I think anorexia is a mental illness, and nothing to do with food. You mention crisps and chocolate - are you thinking she is bulimic - binging on food like this and making herself sick. It usually has it's roots in needing to control something when important things seem to be beyond the sufferer's control.

My grdghtr is anorexic and like your SIL it ebbs and flows over time. She is 25 now and has had it since she was about 14 and there have been times when she has been scarily thin. IF and it's a very big IF the sufferer does see a GP they may well just refer them to a dietician who gives them advice on what they should eat!

When my Gdghtrs life is going well she will eat reasonably well, but when it's not she will not eat properly. She has lots of throat infections. At the moment she has a nice boy friend and she is ok. I think though that anorexia can be a life long illness for some people, who will turn to this when feeling low.

I think the most important thing is for someone to talk to your SIL about how you have all noticed she is very thin and know that she has been anorexic before and show her that you understand it is more of a mental illness than anything physical. She might be more open to talking about her emotional distress than what she should be eating. Her 4th child is around 9 months - could she be suffering from PND and this has sent her to her default position i.e. not eating in order to control something in her life. She may continue to deny that anything is wrong and denial is a very strong defence mechanism but it is important that other do not become complicit in this denial.

B-eat is a good website.

HTH

Hi. I had anorexia from 16-28. It was hellish. I'm now 35 and fully recovered - I started therapy at 23-28 under the nhs. I really do think it saved my life. The hardest part is wanting to get better. Unfortunately, the thought of getting better, for me, was the same as 'getting fat'.i had no idea how skinny I was and I controlled my food to be thin, yes, but actually it was about being perfect, being in control, suppressing emotions and sheer, awful addiction. For me, my partner at the time eventually gave me an ultimatum he said he couldn't be my carer anymore and I either got help or we would have to part ways. This wasn't ideal (and I'm in no way suggesting this approach!) but it did force me to do something or lose the relationship I was in. I was miserable inside but very good at coming across as happy and fine.

The first person who noticed - or was brave enough to say - was actually my gp. She was direct, said my bmi was worryingly low and did I have problems eating. I was 21. It felt like a massive relief, but it took another 2 years for me to summon up the courage to get myself referred. Prior to that I was in denial I think and perhaps your SIL is still in denial but I would say that having suffered for 20 years or so, she is well aware that her eating is stressed and disordered. It took a combination of pressure to address it and also feeling terribly ill (both in my head and physically) for me to accept help.

It makes my heart ache to think there are so many people out there who are caught up in this destructive disease. This is very much a personal and subjective response but I am glad I was with someone who wasn't scared to look it in the face, call it by its name and urge me to get help. If your SIL is at a point where she is spitting food into a napkin, things are really not good for her and controlling her eating will be taking up an awful lot of her thinking. There are no quick fixes to bedded in eating disorders, but there is an awful lot of support that can really help. For me, a good dietician was also crucial in recovery, as a lot of my conceptions of food and calories were very faulty and unhelpful.

Sorry of this is a ramble. In a nutshell, I really think the problem your SIL has needs airing, even if this in uncomfortable. Perhaps discussing accessing help could be framed as helping with her anxieties around food, rather than the weight gain side of things, which I imagine is a very scary thought. Being confronted isn't easy - but it may well be that she really does need to talk to someone about it. God, I'm worried none of this is helpful. But if you have any questions, big or small then please ask. I'm often surprised eating disorders aren't discussed more on mumsnet. I hope you are able to help her in some way, it's a very lonely illness.

Thank you both so much for sharing. I've just read the thread to my DH and I think he's going to have a frank discussion with her.

Anorexia is so dangerous so please don't let this be swept under the carpet. If things don't improve, I would seriously consider getting mental health services involved by going to the GP ( obv not you but her husband or someone v close) and expressing concern for her life to be honest. Anorexia is possibly the most dangerous MH issue there is.

I am the child of an adult anorexic. My mother was anorexic/bulimic/clinically depressed from when I was 7 til I was about 30. It affected me deeply and I have had issues with food myself for most of my life. I'm sure your SIL would say that she was managing to hide any food issues from her children, but I can assure you that this is almost impossible.

Could your dh write a letter to her GP expressing his concerns? The GP will not discuss it with your dh, but it will alert him/her to your worries.

Thanks Don't worry, we have no intention of sweeping it under the carpet. I think her issue is control, and wanting to be perfect.

I find it so hard to understand as she has 4 kids and it's scary that it seems so out of control that she might not get to see them grow up.

I think that it has got to the point that she can't deny that there is a problem. No one is that skinny naturally. It's not like she's just slim. If she argues that there is nothing wrong mentally, she needs to see the GP to say that there must be something wrong physically, like thyroid issues or something more sinister.

DH teaches A level Psychology and has covered Eating Disorders as part of that. I think he's going to be the best one in the family to confront her. I've told him to talk to her as if she's a difficult parent or teenager, not in a patronising way, just in a way that isn't allowing her to fob him off. The trouble is is that she has such a veneer, it's hard to get underneath and find out what's really going on.

When she went travelling in her twenties, she never admitted she had an eating disorder, despite being too ill to get out of bed for weeks.

Unfortunately, MIL also has a rather unhealthy relationship with food. She obsessed with getting fat and putting on weight and is always calorie counting. I think this may be where some of her food issues came from originally, though I think we're way past that stage now. MIL is so worried about her now.

Cross post. Sorry.

I'm sorry to hear about your story that's something I hadn't even considered. Her oldest DS is nearly 9, her oldest DD is 7 and a half. They're bound to notice something weird.

Can I ask if your mum tried to hide it? How did you know that things were wrong?

I learned that food could be used as a weapon, to punish oneself or others, it could be a reward, it could be frightening, it could be unnecessary; I learned to feel guilty about eating in front of others; meal times were a nightmare, full of tension. I saw my mother throwing up and then was asked not to tell anyone. I thought this was all normal. I grew up not knowing what normal eating looked like. Even now, in my mid 40s, I struggle. I learned all of the above while my mother thought her issues with food were hidden.

That's heartbreaking littlefish. I'm so sorry

I hope that we can do something before it starts to affect the kids more than it has

Good luck AllOverit. I truly hope that you find a way to help you SIL and protect her children.

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