Had enough- toxic mother, difficulties with dh and dc and fed up overseas...

[Salbertina]

Dont know where to start! Overwhelmed, want to escape them all..go back to better version of old Uk life with a job to go to, adults to speak to, sense of purpose...
Underlying it all tho is the huge hole inside me which my kind mother seems v recently to have uncovered. I've posted about her before but am finding it increasingly difficult to rationalise/excuse/ignore her cruel, narcissistic attacks, even with therapy..j feel so isolated and alone. Have fun friends here but no real ones I think, all in uk.

Don't want to leave this unaswered. I have also lived abroad with young children as an ex-pat. It's not easy and not nearly as glamorous as everyone thinks. No real advice for you, but do keep in mind that life would not be magically better if in UK. We take ourselves with us wherever we go, IYKWIM. Can you try to enjoy the geographic distance away from your mother to use as breathing space? Are you abroad indefinitely?

Not indefinitely but no set timeframe. My thing is that I realise just how much I use work as therapy- sense of esteem, being appreciated, being worthy etc etc. have done some voluntary work here and am doing a distance-learning course but not at all the same and v isolating.

But yes, do enjoy the geographical distance! Get surprisingly and inappropriately nostalgic at times though

Hi Sal
I empathise with you enormously. Have you tried telling the fun friends how you feel and seeing if your friendship develops into something more real and supportive?

As for your mother, mine was toxic too. I've not seen her for 16 years and I feel life started for me when I made the decision to end my relationship with her. She had an unnatural hold on me, where I couldn't help but believe what she said even though I knew she was toxic. Gradually I came to see my own truth and that hole you talk about actually went away.
Can you put any emotional space between the two of you (I'm assuming you already have physical space as you're living abroad)?

Also, are you working? Having a sense of self, rather than just being 'the wife of' is incredibly important. If jobs aren't possible can you do charity work or volunteering?

Feel free to message me anytime you like.

Sorry cross posted.

Thanks- you sound brave and strong.
I told 2 fun friends a little- one has only sent me a short text since" that was 3 weeks ago, dont think she gets it or thinks Im being fair or else things Im just negative and a pain I be around. We had been getting quite close prior to that. Other fun friend was a mistake to have told, a bit of a narc herself so am keeping my distance for my own sake, she gets me down and can be v v critical and bossy, far too much like dm! Will keep her at arms length for fun group things

Sal
Yes steer clear of friends who remind you of your DM!!

This is my second time being an ex pat and it seems a lot easier the second time around. I've learned to seek out ex pats that are living in the country permanently. They seem to want something more real. Whenever I've met new people I've taken the opportunity to share something honest with them. I have my child here with me who has special needs and that seems to break barriers very well!

I don't know how big your ex pat community is or how good you are at the local lingo but can you join some local groups that you're interested in like a book club for example?

Hi life, yes, steering well clear!

Have been in a couple of groups inc an expat wine club- some lovely longer term people in it but a few real show offs -all expat package and racist attitudes, along with a sprinkling of business people buttering them up to get their £, funny combination!

In a much more down to earth book club also but rarely been recently due to hiding away at home since uk visit

I've been drafting email response to dm in my head for weeks, must actually send. Don't want reply tho but fear that I will