This is not to seek attention.

[feeno]

I just need to get this out there somewhere somehow. I doubt I'll ever act upon my thoughts but they are there and they are not going. I am seeing my GP on regular basis and am getting help but I think I need some form of talking therapy or something.

I really want to die. I kind of wish I had the guts to do something about it but I always stop myself and I can't pinpoint why I always do stop myself. I want to kill myself every day but I can't. Every day I imagine taking pills or stabbing myself or driving hard and fast into a tree or jumping out of an upstairs window but I don't do it. Sometimes I start out to go and do it, and get to the cupboard to take out the paracetamol or grab a knife or scissors, I even grab the car keys and think that's it I'm gonna do it-I stare out if the window at the ground below and think to myself just jump. But I never do. Gutless wonder that I am.

I am so pathetic really.

I'm truly sorry if I've offended anyone-not my intention. Just needed to get this out there and see it for myself-I wrote it-I want to kill myself, but I can't.

I am sorry that you feel like this feeno. You say you are seeing your GP.....has he referred you to your local psychological therapies service or your local primary mental health team? We have one in our area where we can do exactly what you need...to talk to someone and they can help you with your thoughts.

Do keep going to your GP and please ask for help. The Samaritans are always there to listen too.

Take care xx

Please ask your GP to refer you for talking therapy, or see if you can get it funded through work or similar.

I used to feel exactly like you do. It wasn't a dramatic "I want to die" histrionic moment, it was just a dull, normal feeling for me. It's something that can be overcome with therapy and depression treatment - I didn't stay on ADs long as I started using exercise to self medicate. Now I don't have the bleak thoughts I used to. It took about 6 months of hard work in therapy to get out of the trough, and now I am working on the underlying issues.

Please don't call yourself pathetic, you're not. You're ill. You can get better from this. You're also not gutless for not following through with these thoughts, it means you are still in control and can seek help for your illness.

Keep talking if you need to.

Yes, that describes it well actually-a dull everyday feeling that won't go away. Although, there are some days that the histrionics are there and I scream I want to die.

I know that this will make a massive difference to my post but I should add that I am pregnant. Unplanned. I had severe PND and just started recovering and got pregnant again. Sobbed to begin with for about 24 hours then suddenly got my head round it.

As pregnancy nears it's end, I've been feeling worse and worse. I'm terrified. I'm not taking ADs until after birth and that's a firm decision I've come to with support of my family and DH. But I had psychotherapy for years before and I think GP very reluctant to put me back into it due to cuts etc etc and perhaps he feels I've had my fair share-which I probably have.

I know many people will be horrified at the thought of a pregnant woman wanting to end her life but I honestly can't stop feeling like this. I am very sorry.

It's called self-preservation, and it's a very good thing.

You know the drill, don't you? If you are at risk to yourself, and your baby, you need to go to A&E. No fuss, not attention seeking, just true.

I cared for far too many adults who had failed at their attempt of suicide. The result is not pretty, and it always seemed all the more cruel that for these people, they hadn't even been able to do 'that' right.

Please don't go down the road of who deserves psychotherapy, etc. You deserve the medical attention you need, in whatever form that comes.

Hi Feeno, it is a horrible and scary feeling feeling suicidal. BUT you have not done it and that is a huge huge plus - you are still here and that means you are holding out for something.

There is not a quota on mental health, you may have had psychotherapy in the past but things have changed and moved on for you and you might need it again.

Something that helps me in my darker moments is reminding myself that many of the ways I think about killing myself with wouldn't work so well, or would be messy or painful - sounds silly but I try to rationalise it to myself. I don't know if it would help for you but worth a shot?

Take care, and def def go to your GP for the support you are entitled to!

Let's start with 3 things you won't believe:

1. This is not your fault.
2. You will get better.
3. You will feel almost chirpy after a few months.

I suggest you hit the doc surgery & tell her/him you are being beseiged by depression. Endlessly wanting to top yourself is standard fare for the filthy beast the illlness is. Don't leave until they do something. (this will be hard for you. Stay in the chair, that's all you need to do.)

If you don't think that works, get a referral to a private person (about 150 quid.) I've done it myself - I was so knackered out by the endless internal calls to the knife drawer I actually had to crawl up Roehampton Lane to get to the bin (Priory - yes, I saw celebs a plenty). They sent me off with a decent scrip & within a month the trouble stopped. Also, the single private appt. unleashed a world of NHS help, so in the long term it saved money.

What you're going through is unbelievably grim - but it will stop.

What happens if I go to A and E? Do I end up in a psych ward or something like that?

Sorry if that is a silly question.

No, I should think they'll just give you some pills and send you away. You're not psychotic or drunk or violent, and won't become so.

Thing is, where I live (London) there are so many people who have gone off at the deep end that anyone with depression doesn't get a look in at the wards or anything. So don't worry about being admitted (oh yes, I know how easy that is to say and how impossible to feel.)

Mind you, if you really do want a place of rest, ask the docs with fervour to find you one.

Do get help as soon as you can. PND is such a debilitating illness and getting better from it happens in tiny steps. Sometimes those steps go backwards again, but you can get better. I had it and at times I felt that I would never be well again. But you will be. You will take pleasure from all the things that are making you feel so desperate at the moment. Please keep that in mind- you feel like this because you are ill, but this can be treated and you will recover. Drugs, talking therapy and exercise were my cure. Please go back to your doctor and insist that they help you.

On a more practical note, make plans for when your baby is born, make sure that you have plenty of help and company around you. Accept any help, your illness will tell you that you shouldn't need it but that is just depression talking. Also, look on the OCD UK website, they have some really good advice for managing those horrible, repetitive thoughts that are plaguing you.

Good luck.

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Please do go back to your GP, tell your midwife or go with one of the other support ideas people have suggested here.

Just out of interest are your family/DH particularly against you taking ADs in pregnancy? Have they influenced your decision at all? If the benefits outweigh any risks then GPs do prescribe. You can discuss the pros and cons with your GP who will have seen and treated many depressed pregnant women before. You don't have to suffer unnecessarily.

You've had psychotherapy before but these things do update and move on so you may find it different this time. There are also other therapies out there, such as CBT, which approach things from another direction.

Please don't feel you've had your "quota" of help already. I'm sure anyone suffering a physical illness would want to keep seeking help for as long as needed, and I don't think this should be any different.

If you go to A&E they will ask you to see the crisis team, it can be a long wait to see them but at least in A&E you are safe. Take magazines and snacks.

This next bit applies to whether you go to your GP or A&E.
They will assess you, usually involves questions about your current circumstances (housing, financial, family support), then questions about your current state of mind. Some of these might feel a little awkward or even silly. I never tire of being asked if I hear voices - they have to ask though. You must be honest about your risk - as in be very specific about your plans. There is a huge difference between 'I am thinking of killing myself' and 'I have a stash of paracetamol at home and I popped into A&E on my way to Asda to buy the booze to wash it down with.'

Crying is ok - they expect it!!

If you go to A&E the crisis team will sit with you and support you, they will probably help you formulate a plan to get through that night (so go and stay with a friend, watch a film etc) quite practical stuff. Might seem silly but their goal will be to keep you safe there and then. They can also offer phone support, or sometimes they arrange a visit at home later that evening. They can also contact your GP to say they have seen you, and they can ask for a mental health assessment to be done by the community team.

Your GP may prescribe you something to help, refer you to the community mental health team or the crisis team.

Going into hospital is a very last resort. I am in one at the moment, it is not as bad as you think. My behaviour was very risky when I was admitted and I was ready to come in (if that makes sense?) they put huge amounts of energy into keeping you at home, especially if you are not psychotic or manic.

This is long but I hope it helps! Things may well be a bit different because you are pregnant but it will probably mean more help and sooner than anything else!

Take care. And seriously hold on to the fact that you are still here.

Thank you all for advice and support.

Canoe...No one in my family is against me taking ADs. In fact, up until this week, they've been encouraging me to take them. However, I've done quite a lot of research on immediate affects and longer term affects on children that were exposed in utero. I know lots of people go on to have perfectly healthy kids while taking ADs in pregnancy but there are also lots of people who end up with children having lots of difficulties later on. Based on what I found, I discussed my fears with DH and family and they are now happy to support my decision to wait until baby is born.

I am going to speak to mental health specialist midwife tomorrow. Just really want this all to melt away. I'm so completely terrified of being a mother again. I'm not good at it as it is. My poor little 17 month old boy has a pretty shitty mum as it is and I foresee shitty mum getting shittier when new baby gets here.

My parents are great. Mum in particular, but she can't do everything for me again. The PND I got after birth of my son led to me being on autopilot mode for about 3 weeks and then suddenly I couldn't cope anymore. It meant mum n dad, mainly mum, took care of my son for the first 4-5 months of my life while I existed in their home like a zombie permanently in a dressing gown.

I can't do that to them again. Plus, my younger sister just had a baby boy on Saturday. My mum is there now, helping her and she's already shattered. I can't do this to my mum again.