Please help me feeling utterly suicidal

[queencat]

Please can someone help me. Am feeling awful I want to hurt myself.

I have self harmed in the past and the urge now is really very strong.

Please can someone help take my mind off it. I don't want to upset my children and I can't seem to stop myself on this self destructive path.

Have been by myself for over two years now after
My partner left me. I cant seem to stop the pain and move on.

Please call the Samaritans - they will listen. 08457 90 90 90 xx

Would it help to talk about what it is that's making you feel like this?

What have you got planned for tomorrow?

I don't know I just feel overwhelmed at the moment. Every day is an effort to be ok. It's been such a long time now that I don't like boring people with it.

My family are lovely but keep telling me that it's been long enough and to pull myself together.

My daughter just got diagnosed with ASD, I feel like I have failed her. I have no patience with her at all and then I feel awful for shooting. Maybe I'm not the right mother for her. I can't deal with it.

And I'm probably feeling self indulgent and sorry for myself.

Shouting not shooting!

You're definitely not being self indulgent and no one has the right to tell you when you should be over something. When was your daughter diagnosed? That is a huge thing to come to terms with. Do have support from anyone IRL? School? You are the right mother for her because you are HER mother.

It's okay to feel shit - you have a lot to deal with at the moment.

She was diagnosed 2 weeks ago she is 7.

We don't get on, I appear to be the person that she rages at and plays up for the most. She doesn't do it for her dad and his partner just for me.

I feel like I'm making it up but I'm not. He doesn't see it and thinks I'm lying. I don't want this for her so why would I lie?

My family support me but they cant understand how I can still be heartbroken. I obsess about him and his relation shop. He was having an affair which I only found out about a year after he left.

I cant make the pain stop, or the jealously or the heart break I gave tried therapy , pills even hypnosis. I want to be ok but something stops me. Thats why I feel self indulgent because it's like I want to prolong it but can't stop myself.

I cut my arms before and every so often I get the urge. Right now urge us stronger than ever. I don't know why.

Please seek help now, call samaritains as poster above said. You are not to blame, you have an illness and there is hope, yes it may take time but you are a great mum and you are doing a great job, please please do not hurt yourself. Maybe a wee bit of time out, try some you tube comedy or music you really like can lift your mood immensely, if even for a short while. One day at a time

Are you your daughter's main carer? and therefore discipline her the most? Could this be the reason why she plays up? Autism is so complex and behaviour can be VERY challenging. But there are lots of things you can do to improve it. Perhaps have a look on the SN board on MN? It must have been so much harder, not having a diagnosis for so long.

Two years isn't that long a time to get over someone. It's a grieving process and you can't hurry it.

Can you explain why it is you want to cut yourself?

Please call the Samaritans if you want to talk to someone. They are open all night.

I am her main carer, she sees her dad regularly but appears to be on her best behaviour. She tells me she hates me and I Rubin get life and she wants to kill me or kill herself all the time.

Sometimes I want her just to lay off me for a little while and the it out on someone else for a change. I hate being a mother most of the time, I do not find it a pleasurable experience. My other two children see her getting away with it so are also difficult.

I just feel useless when I know I should take control,

The urge to hurt myself is like that of needing to smoke. I can't explain what starts it off or why I want to do it. It happens when I feel particularly overwhelmed. Nothing in particular is even going on. But I spear to bd spending more and more time obsessing and worrying about my failure as a mother and as a girlfriend and my failure to move on.

I'm do angry at this other woman, I feel like exploding. I don't understand what I did to make her punish me in this way. It's do unhealthy and then I feel bad for feeling like thus when there are other people so much worse off than me.

Will speak to Samaritans.

Damn you auto correct please ignore spelling!

How are you feeling this morning OP?

Just tired I've been awake most of the night thinking about different things over and over again.

I need to go back to the doctors as soon as possible. I can't keep getting overwhelmed like this.

I just feel like such a bad mother, I need to be more patient with my daughter but I don't know how to be.

Thank you for your support.

Just tired I've been awake most of the night thinking about different things over and over again.

I need to go back to the doctors as soon as possible. I can't keep getting overwhelmed like this.

I just feel like such a bad mother, I need to be more patient with my daughter but I don't know how to be.

Thank you for your support.

Queen you will be feeling extra vulnerable just now because a diagnosis is an eart shattering event where your whole life is suddenly knocked sidewards and everything from the child you thought you had to the future you had planned is suddenly turned on its head. That is totally normal, it happens even when you wanted or expected the diagnosis. Have you been offered any support since the diagnosis? Have you been advised on ASD management strategies? It wouldn't surprise me if you haven't and that just adds to the trauma of a diagnosis and leaves you feeling more vulnerable.
There is a fantastic supportive board on MN for parents of children with disabilities so pop on over and let us support you. I have a boy and a girl with autism and am happy to share with you some things that work for us and others have different ideas so between us we can find something that will help you.
Have you done much reading about autism? If not try and make time to read around because knowledge is power. A trick I have is if things are bad I treat it as a job, I remember the stuff I've read and put it into practise and be really professional and removed from the situation and it's easier when your heart isn't in the way.
Do you know about claiming DLA for dd? The extra money could take off some of the pressure, buy you a babysitter's time or a cleaner and help take off the pressure. Have you asked about respite, SEN playschemes, the short breaks scheme? All these are available you sometimes need to be tenacious to access them.
Anyway I've wittered enough and probably overloaded you with information but if I can help just give a shout and come over and say hello on the other board won't you?
Take care x

Thank you, I will post there.

No support yet, I had to go private to get the diagnosis and now I've kind of been left in limbo.

I don't know what my next move is in respect of the school etc. I'm kind of struggling to the all the information in.