coping with DH's depression

[Sleepysand]

DH was recently diagnosed with depression, I would say it took a year to get him to the doctor. He is on citalopram (no real change yet but has been 3 weeks). He is referred for counselling.

How can I support him? It has been tough for all of us - we have been together for 5 years, my teenage sons live with us, his own DS/DD are in late 20s and live hundreds of miles away. DH is honestly often foul to all of us, accusing all of us of doing things to hurt him that are just normal (eg he obsesses about waste, finding bread that has gone mouldy translates as people not taking care of things that are important to him), passive aggressive (sarky muttered comments as he leaves the room), picky, and controlling "little" things, like the TV (which he watches 18 hours a day - I presume he is controlling here because he feels out of control elsewhere... his business folded). It has taken walking on eggshells to a level I did not know existed, but we all know it is the illness not him, and we all love him - the boys just want the person they knew back.

I imagine lots of others have gone through this - any advice on coping personally, and even actually helping him?

Our sex life has suffered, too, which is the drugs, I think, as his loss of interest is very recent. It doesn't matter all that much to me, in the sense that I am exhausted paying the mortgage etc... but it is an important bond.

Didn't want to leave this unanswered OP, so here are a couple of links which I hope might be helpful. Hopefully others will be along soon to share experiences.

www.depressionalliance.org/help-and-information/friends-and-family.php

www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/depression#friends

Thank you. I think I do most of the do's, and not many of the don't's. I guess I will need to keep plodding along.

It will get easier as the citalopram starts working. As you say, it took a year to get him to GP, well it shouldn't take that long for recovery to set in, although it's not overnight. Good idea to reassure dcs that he is now getting help, and there will soon be an improvement.

We all felt better knowing something was being done - DH most of all, as he was convinced he would not get help.

A bad day today - he is stressed and literally has watched 14 hours of tv so far, despite all my efforts to talk, walk, go for a drive, anything. I sat with him as long as I could, but I was feeling ill sitting there so long, so the kitchen is spotless!!

Thank you all, though - I keep going...

I feel for you sleepysand. I have been with my DH for 9 years, he has suffered periods of depression since his early twenties. He was on citalopram for 18 months which did lifted his mood very noticeably after a few weeks. He came off it when we realised that he had bi-polar disorder. Citalopram should not be given to people who are bi-polar as it can induce dangerous manic episodes and increase suicidality. This happened to him. I don't want to add to your anxieties but it would be a sensible precaution to find out about symptoms of bi-polar disorder and if you have any concerns that he may be bi-polar talk to him and the doctor as there are more suitable medications for that kind of depression. My DHs doctors only gave a correct diagnosis after it was (almost) too late.

I don't have much in the way of advice about how to support him, I guess when I think about it I make it up as I go along, as when you are living with someone who is behaving unreasonably and you are treading on eggshells like this it's very hard to predict what try they might do/say next or what might trigger their irritation. I try to stick to these principles though: to stay reasonable even when he is not being reasonable, confide in at least one close person that you can talk to regularly, do not accept him being unreasonably controlling with your sons (this is a huge problem area for us, he is my DSs stepdad and my DDs dad - the favouritism is so obvious and he hates it when i defend my son but i have to do it), practice patience, practice, oh, and practice patience.

While I don't wish anyone to suffer in the way that your DHs illness makes you suffer, it is somehow reassuring to know that I am not alone in this and that someone else understands.

...and the lack of sex life will almost certainly be to do with the drugs.

have a look at depression fallout - and the book is good -

main thing is set boundaries
look after yourself
ask gp to refer you for nhs counselling (a few sessiosn should be enough)

www.depressionfallout.com/index.php

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Survive-When-Theyre-Depressed/dp/0609804154/ref=pd_sim_b_1

and look at Living with a Black Dog [Paperback]
Matthew Johnstone

www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Black-Dog-Matthew-Johnstone/dp/1845297431/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_c