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Why am Iike this? I'm such a bad mum!

8 replies

ProPerformer · 24/08/2012 08:27

Just sitting here in floods of tears after what happened this morning, especially as it is not an uncommon occurrence but not always this bad.
(I suffer from anxiety disorder and depression and got pmt at the mo too.)

DS 3 came into our bed for cuddles at 6.30 which started off being really nice but then he kept poking me, climbing on my back and head butting me - none of it to really be naughty, it's just his way. However I was tired, grumpy and sweaty and so I shouted at him to stop. When he wouldn't stop I shouted again and dumped him onto the floor, he got back up and so it continued with DH butting in alternately shouting at me to stop shouting at DS and manhandling DS off me and the bed. This went on for about 3/4 hour until we had to get DS dressed for nursery. Well DS was refusing to get dressed so we had to manhandle him into his clothes all the while with him screaming "Get off me, you're hurting me" even though I know we were not hurting him. This made me even worse and I burst into tears and lost it due to being so scared that our neighbour would call social services because of the screaming and they'd take DS away, not cos of the screaming, but because our house is a tip and I've heard they can do that! (I'm paranoid about this because when DS was a baby neighbour came round in a rage a couple of times saying he'd call them because he'd heard DS crying non-stop for an hour on 'at least 4 occasions'. I don't know if he called them or not as we never heard anything but because of my anxiety disorder I just get so over paranoid about it even though we haven't had any probs since.)
Once DS was dressed he calmed down a bit and I was able to give him a bit of a cuddle and told him I loved him, but he was whisked away really quick byy then moody DH who was going to be late for work after dropping DS off. So they left with DS still being a bit upset and DH in a bad mood with both of us. I'm now feeling really guilty about being at home alone when I could be spending quality time with DS (I work in a school and so have hols off but we still send DS to nursery most days in the holidays as we have to pay for them whether they are used or not and gives me a chance to do housework on peace.) and worrying about what if something happens to DH or DS on the way to nursery/work and we parted upset with each other?!

I really think both DH and DS would be so much better off without me as this is not an uncommon scene in the mornings, though as I said not often this bad. I'd down a whole load of pills right now but then there would be no one to pick up DS from nursery (as DH finishes work later than pick up time) and the last thing they'd remember about me is an argument. I love them both more than worlds but I just can't cope any more, and DS deserves a mummy who will not shout at him or manhandle him, but one who will play games with him, kiss him, cuddle him (all 3 of which I do do, but I feel not enough) and most of all be patient with him and spend time with him when its school holidays rather than dumping him at nursery. He's the most darling, amazing, beautiful little boy in the entire universe and he deserves the best which is far more than I can give him. Sad

OP posts:
AnotherLoad · 24/08/2012 10:26

no parent is perfect OP and we all loose it from time to time. I also suffer from anxiety and depression, when it gets to late evening - patience is worn thin and i do shout and rant at the DC's.

the best thing for your son is his mum & dad. as much as kids get upset and test us they will always loook to us for love and support.

your son loves you - its shown by him coming in and jumping on mummy & daddy! excited to see you etc.... you dont need to play 24/7 to show affection (i dont and kids know i love them)

toddlers can be tiring and stressful and there's plenty of parents having to manhandle and raise their voice (haven't you seen super nanny! :) )

when he comes back from nursery why not take him to the park, buy ice-cream and spend some time together. or just stay in and have a book or dvd ready to watch together? then at bed time give him a big kiss and cuddle :)

visit your GP if you feel you loose your temper too quick.

please dont feel your a bad mum x

im not very good with words, but just wanted to give you some support x

ProPerformer · 24/08/2012 11:13

Thanks Smile

Your post made me cry, but in a good way.

I know my son loves me as he says it to me a lot and I tell him I love him all the time. (A phrase I use a lot is "Even when you are naughty and I'm angry I love you every second. You make me proud every day.")

I made peace with myself a bit earlier by ordering a book for him off eBay that I know he'll love for either Christmas or birthday. Park and icecream sound good for when he gets home, especially as we of 2 mins away from local play area and the icecream van is usually coming round the area about when we get home! (Well I assume it is. Can hear the chimes really loudly but always usher him in quick as don't have the money to get icecream all the time but maybe as a one-off today.)

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winnybella · 24/08/2012 11:25

We had a similar morning here as in DD refused to get dressed and I had to try to manhandle her into her clothes/ tell her she's not going to the holiday club/ shouted at her/pretended to leave her in the room etc etc.

I am also feeling a bit guilty that I chose to put her in the summer club 2-3 days a week BUT she loves it and it gives her a continuity before she starts school and also lets me do stuff (like looking for work/admin/housework).

Young children can be extremely testing and just because we gave birth to them and love them so, so much, doesn't mean that it's easy to deal with them. I'm sure you have moments when you deal with your DS's tantrums etc better and some when you lose patience.

I think that perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea to look into treatment for your anxiety if you haven't done it already- for your benefit so you can enjoy life more-and by extension your DS will profit as well. I am a bit concerned by you saying that you would take pills, that shows that you are not in a very good place at the moment.

Remember though, that guilt is not a constructive emotion. If you feel you lose it with DS too often, do try to think of some strategies that will allow to keep your cool, but don't dwell too much on it and don't try to overcompensate afterwards as that can be confusing to child, I think.

Be kinder to yourself first. You are not a bad mum, it shows in the fact that you are concerned about your handling of your DS's behaviour.

winnybella · 24/08/2012 11:32

Oh, and please don't worry about SS. I guess you know it's just your anxiety talking here, don't you Smile

Also, sometimes it's hard to find a balance (when assessing your behaviour) between an appropriate discipline and losing it. Your DS should be told that jumping on people, etc,when it can hurt them, even if not done maliciously, is not ok- so it's totally fine to let him know that. Same with refusal to get dressed in time. Keeping your cool could make times like this less stressful, but God knows, it is hard sometimes. Have you tried counting to 10 before responding to him? It helps me sometimes when I wan't to throttle the child (obv. not literally!).

ProPerformer · 24/08/2012 12:10

Thanks. Yeah I know my worries about SS are just the anxiety talking, but doesn't make the worry any less 'real' if you know what I mean.

DS loves his nursery and missed it when we were on holiday for 3 weeks so I guess it's nice for him to see his friends again, plus I do have 1 day a week and weekends with him. Smile

I know what you mean by 'overcompensating' for guilt, hen e why I'm trying to 'compensate' by starting to order DS's Christmas presents: Tgat way I get the feeling I've compensated but he won't be so confused or whatever by it. May have to do icecreams though, but if I get one for myself too I can phrase it as "Cos I fancy one too".

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ProPerformer · 24/08/2012 12:20

Oh and I used to be on citalopram but came off it a few months ago as was improving and it was giving me worse pmt!! Waiting list for councelling is too long and I can't get to any of the 'charity councelling' venues as don't drive. DH would drive me of an evening but only have 2 weekday evenings a week totally free and they are for DS.

Maybe I should look into going back on something different. I have a few of my old citalopram that's still in date, but am guessing I shouldn't really use that.

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CanoeSlalom · 25/08/2012 20:47

How about going on the waiting list for counselling anyway? Then by the time it comes round you will know if you still need it. Sounds like a trip to the GP could be helpful if you feel you need more citalopram too.

ProPerformer · 25/08/2012 22:01

Yeah trip to gp is probably needed. Sad May see about councelling waiting list.... I have signed on to an online councelling / self help website thingy so will see what that's like.

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