Just sitting here in floods of tears after what happened this morning, especially as it is not an uncommon occurrence but not always this bad.
(I suffer from anxiety disorder and depression and got pmt at the mo too.)
DS 3 came into our bed for cuddles at 6.30 which started off being really nice but then he kept poking me, climbing on my back and head butting me - none of it to really be naughty, it's just his way. However I was tired, grumpy and sweaty and so I shouted at him to stop. When he wouldn't stop I shouted again and dumped him onto the floor, he got back up and so it continued with DH butting in alternately shouting at me to stop shouting at DS and manhandling DS off me and the bed. This went on for about 3/4 hour until we had to get DS dressed for nursery. Well DS was refusing to get dressed so we had to manhandle him into his clothes all the while with him screaming "Get off me, you're hurting me" even though I know we were not hurting him. This made me even worse and I burst into tears and lost it due to being so scared that our neighbour would call social services because of the screaming and they'd take DS away, not cos of the screaming, but because our house is a tip and I've heard they can do that! (I'm paranoid about this because when DS was a baby neighbour came round in a rage a couple of times saying he'd call them because he'd heard DS crying non-stop for an hour on 'at least 4 occasions'. I don't know if he called them or not as we never heard anything but because of my anxiety disorder I just get so over paranoid about it even though we haven't had any probs since.)
Once DS was dressed he calmed down a bit and I was able to give him a bit of a cuddle and told him I loved him, but he was whisked away really quick byy then moody DH who was going to be late for work after dropping DS off. So they left with DS still being a bit upset and DH in a bad mood with both of us. I'm now feeling really guilty about being at home alone when I could be spending quality time with DS (I work in a school and so have hols off but we still send DS to nursery most days in the holidays as we have to pay for them whether they are used or not and gives me a chance to do housework on peace.) and worrying about what if something happens to DH or DS on the way to nursery/work and we parted upset with each other?!
I really think both DH and DS would be so much better off without me as this is not an uncommon scene in the mornings, though as I said not often this bad. I'd down a whole load of pills right now but then there would be no one to pick up DS from nursery (as DH finishes work later than pick up time) and the last thing they'd remember about me is an argument. I love them both more than worlds but I just can't cope any more, and DS deserves a mummy who will not shout at him or manhandle him, but one who will play games with him, kiss him, cuddle him (all 3 of which I do do, but I feel not enough) and most of all be patient with him and spend time with him when its school holidays rather than dumping him at nursery. He's the most darling, amazing, beautiful little boy in the entire universe and he deserves the best which is far more than I can give him. 