Hi :)
I posted on this briefly on another thread here tonight and got slightly misunderstood (although soon sorted - I'm not having a dig at another poster.) My purpose in starting this thread is to explain what I meant in a bit more detail and also to see if anybody else sometimes feels like this.
My life isn't a happy one, it's lonely, miserable and isolating. I am plagued with crippling self doubts and anxieties. Ironically, I am successful at work but my home life is unhappy and lonely. I have very little in the way of external support: my family are either dead or violent/abusive and although I do have many friends, most of them have their own partners and families and I don't feel I can burden them. Sometimes, I find it hard to be with my friends because then I feel even more isolated once they or I have gone home, other times I find it hard to be with them as I feel they are only friends with me out of pity.
I have felt very hopeless and low about it all for a few months now, and I think I started to be a bit depressed around March/April time, and I started to wish that I could die because I couldn't see a way out, I just couldn't imagine things changing or feeling better or my life working out in the way that I wanted it to. At the same time, I knew I wouldn't actively do anything to harm myself, mainly due to a religious upbringing meaning I was too scared to, but also because I am not brave enough and would be afraid of it not working, or it hurting, or similar. Increasingly though I have found myself dreaming about dying or being dead as a sort of release from the world.
I just want to emphasise that no one needs to be concerned because I KNOW I wouldn't do anything but I find myself dreaming about it anyway. I feel very relaxed and calm when I do so.
I think it's because I'm in a place now where I simply can't imagine feeling better so I look to the only exit i can see, if you like. I am hoping to access support soon, I did try counselling a fewweeks ago but it wasn't very good and I had to stop due to financial reasons and it didn't seem to be making any difference anyway (though I accept that might partly be my fault.)
I don't know if anybody has felt the same, past or present - it would be reassuring to know if you have.
x