I am so bloody anxious at the moment, but I've caused so much stress to friends and family during my illness that I really don't feel I can lean on them again.
I've been hospitalised and under the crisis team and now have a MH SW who I see a couple of times each month. The problem is that I've lost confidence in my own judgement. After all, I had no idea how ill I was until I was admitted, so how can I judge how things are with me now? I don't feel that I can really talk to anyone about how I actually feel as they've all been through enough. Being friends or family of someone with mental illness is draining, and I am very aware of that.
The current anxiety is due to me having to start back at work in a couple of weeks when I just don't feel ready. Unfortunately its not the kind of job that lends itself to light duties and I have to go back as I'm the main breadwinner. Its a recipie for anxiety a-go-go.
I went to see work a couple of months ago so there was plenty of time to plan my return, but they did nothing about it and now I am expected to start back with no phased return in place. This has caused the anxiety to return, although I'm on a shed load of psych meds I'm back to looking at bridges again. Scary shit as I was pulled off one before admission last time.
I really can't go down that route. I doubt that my marriage would be able to stand it and the children are already affected by my long absence. However I don't have a plan B and the thought of work is making me suicidal.
How do I get through this?
I used to enjoy my job. I used to be described as highly competent and effective. Now I'm a "vunerable adult" with a social worker, who panics at the thought of walking into my work place, especially after such a long absence. I don't want to be this person any more. I want to be me again. I hate what this stupid illness has done to me.