How do you cope with a family members depression?

[Tryingtodothebest]

My mil has had depression for approx 2 yrs attempted oD once. I have tried to help as much as poss taking her tO appointments listening encouraging her to see GP when mess are not working. After two years of this I feel emotionally exhausted (during this time I have had a baby was diagnosed with PND which I resolved by exercising, as with mil not well I knew I had to "pull myself together" as we couldn't have another family member on ad's).
I may come across as selfish but I am wondering how people cope. Why do you do when relative says I feel so down I feel low and is crying? I am now up at this time stressing about her when I've got to get up in a few hours to look after baby.
Does any one else get frustrated because they don't know the right thing to say?

My bro has had ongoing mh issues, but has also during this time done a lot of awful things towards other people I care about. I have had 2 "bouts" of depression during this time (decades) but have always felt I had to deal with it myself so as to not put more pressure on my parents, so I know where you ate coming from. I have hardly listened to my own advice, but I really feel you need to look after number 1, if only for your dc's sake. X

Temp I'm glad I'm not the only person in this situation I am at a point where I feel angry towards mil (although I'd never tell her this) I'm so drained but feel selfish for voicing my feelings.

Unfortunately people with mental illness can be quite self absorbed, this is not through selfishness but because when you ate feeling so crap it is hard to recognise that other people have problems, it just looks like everyone else is so happy and doing so well. I have probably been guilty of it myself when I was depressed. And of course recovery from mental ilness requires a lot of working on yourself so this is understandable.

Your mil probably just doesn't realise you are having a tough time too. Why not try and talk to her about your problems? Rather than thinking of it as burdening her, she may actually find it quite empowering to help you work through them? When I was well, I worked as a volunteer for the Samaritans and I really got a lot out of it, but it may be the case that your mil just doesn't feel in the right place, either because she is too ill, or she just doesn't feel that way inclined.

Distance yourself, but don't think of it as turning your back on her, but rather focussing on your own needs and prioritising yourself in order to get better - just as your mil has. You need help now too, so your mil needs to find somewhere else to turn.

But in terms of knowing what to say, I always found that someone just being there for me when I was at my lowest was enough, it didn't matter what words they used. Can your dh not try to connect more with her, or has she tried ringing the samaritans? And also if she ever feels suicidal again, you/she should contact the crisis team via her local depression and anxiety service. If she is having no other help except of that from her gp, I know that our local d & a service you can refer yourself to. But I'm guessing she will already be in touch with services if she had an OD?

Agree with Tempernillos last paragraph of post 07.40.
At this point in your life you need to distance yourself from your mil.
You need to look after yourself and your family.Then when you are ready,you can go back to helping your mil.
Yes your mil may suffer a bit,but you are suffering at present.

diagnosed with PND which I resolved by exercising, as with mil not well I knew I had to "pull myself together" as we couldn't have another family member on ad's

I don't really understand this sentence - who said you couldn't take ADs?

I have lived with my DHs depression for the last 15yrs. It's tough and there are times my foot wants to meet his arse but he's ill and doesn't choose this. There is no right thing to say. Have you talked to your DH about how you feel? You say that you had PND so will have some insight into the helplessness that depression brings to the individual.

I understand your frustration but at the same time don't understand your comments about "can't have another family member on ADs". That's like saying that there you can't have two family member both taking meds for high blood pressure.

Thanks for your experiences. What I meant about AD is the side effects, anxiety, tiredness, forgetfulness. Mil is on anxiety meds, AD and sleeping pills. I need to be 100% for my kids and it scared me seeing her on pills and the side effects. That's why I started going to the gym the endorphins kicked in and it was amazing. Haven't been all week which may be why I'm not coping as well as usual.

I hate to sound critical but it isn't possible to "pull yourself together" when very depressed, as you say you did. It seems you got better by exercise along, which doesn't usually help anyone severely or even moderately depressed.

I wonder if you are expecting MIL to do what you did - on the other hand you sound like a lovely DIL for all the time you have spent with your MIL. What about her son, presumably your DP/H or other family members, who can share some of the load.

There isn't anything you can say to make her feel better really. I have suffered a severe episode of depression 2 years ago and was on psych ward for 3 months and now have intermittent depression. I was fortunate enough to have a few close women friends and a DP to support me. Just being able to be with someone helped me, and someone I trusted well enough to be able to cry in front of them and know that they would understand.

It is very draining when helping someone with mental illness and I think you need to put some boundaries around the amount of help you can give, and if necessary be straight with your MIL about this. Better that, than you getting completely bogged down with it all and not able to offer any support.

Hi Tryingtodothebest. Have you tried a support group (for you not her). I finally convinced my parents to go to one after they had been dealing with my sister's disorder for years and they could not stop talking about how great it was to meet other people in their situation. They also realized by talking to strangers with the same disorder as my sister that the way they were dealing with her was incorrect and it helped them immensely to understand what she was going through.