Not really sure what to do
I have 3 children between 2 & 5, I suffered with prenatal depression in all pregnancies but it wasn't until after the 3rd that the postnatal depression hit me badly. I had my maternity and then 6 months off work sick before returning. Since then I have been kept on 40mg citalopram but been coping generally ok with this, odd bouts of being down but nothing major and been coping with my work (police officer, so shift work, though only work until 0400am and average 25 hpw). My husband is also a police officer and a few months ago was told his shifts were being changed, this meant I also had to change my shifts to fit around him and childcare. I went through the proper application process for this and my new shifts were accepted, until a more senior manager saw them and decided that he wanted me working different shifts. All got very messy and silly and ended up with me appealing against his decision to reject the shift pattern I had requested. The appeal was appalling - held by another senior member of staff who basically said that flexible working is all about the job and what they want and my situation wasn't relevant and I came out of it agreeing to do shifts that I don't feel I can physically or mentally maintain.
In amongst all of this my mental health deteriorated big time and I was signed off work both my my GP & by work Occ Health, I was shaking, dreadfully anxious and unable to sleep. The doctor reduced my citalopram and put me on Mertazapine. I stuck with it a month but just felt awful so have now been taken off the Mertazapine and back on higher Citalopram again to review next week.
BUT . . . I want to get back to work, I know I need to get my medication sorted first but hopefully that's in hand. But what do I do about the shifts? they have me working lates, including until until 5am 5 days on the trot when I have children to look after in the day, I really don't think I can do it and then I'll end up sick again. The mertazapine (which they may add to my higher dose of Citalopram next week) has a sedative in it. I really don't know what to do. I am shaking all the time, can't deal with my children and feel like the whole summer holidays have been spoilt by my health which was all triggered by one idiot being an idiot and not handling the process the way it should have been. The work issue was meant to have been dealt with at the appeal but it's just made it worse, just want to go and sit under the stairs and hide and cry.