I have Borderline Personality Disorder / Emotional Intensity Disorder. I'm due to start a new course of therapy called STEPPS next month. Up until now, everything has been really positive about it, meetings with the psychologist went well, knew it was going to be intense but worthwhile.
Then I had a written assessment as part of the preparation. I can't remember the name of it (think it began with M) but it was 175 questions where you had to answer yes or no to the statements. A few days later I got a call from the psychologist again asking if we could have a quick meeting after my next (fortnightly) appointment with my CPN.
I presumed it was routine, but this is what he had to say to me: "I'm just a bit concerned about some of your answers. A lot of the thought pattern levels have come back as concerningly high. Basically... If I had just read this sheet of paper and not met you in person, I would be recommending immediate hospitalistion, and possibly under section."
We talked a bit more about it, I was as honest as I could be seeing as I had DS with me at the time. I told him I come across as a lot more together than I actually am, and that I've been used to pretending to be fine for years now.
He's said that I am still willing to participate in the course if I want to (I'm fully aware that if anything I am become more and more unstable, I feel a need to do something, or frankly I'm afraid of what I will do to myself) but he warned me that because of how intense it can be, and how high some of the thought pattern scores have come back, its possible it may well make me worse.
Part of the program means involving a support network of people around you who are aware of what you are doing within the therapy - a back up team, as it were. The therapy session is three hours once a week, and on top of that you have a one-on-one session weekly with your care co-ordinator too.
I'm really a bit stumped. I don't want to risk making myself worse, but at the same time feel a real need to do something, and this course is supposed to be fantastic for my condition. What would you do?