is this such a big problem? I don't need a doctor?

[TheQueenOfDiamonds]

My other half keeps mentioning some of my behaviour. He hasn't outright said it, but I think he wants me to speak to someone.

I don't really want to, because I know a lot of my behaviour isn't normal. I've seen psychiatrists and psychologists in the past. They told me its not normal. I have reports that say my behaviour points to a possible personality disorder, but more investigation was needed (which I didn't take up because I didn't want to be there in the first place, I only went to appease my school and mum, as I was 15 when I first saw one, 19 the last time, now 22).

I am fine with how I am. I don't struggle generally, I struggle socially because people just don't make sense to me, but I'm fine with that.

He keeps making comments about OCD which is annoying me. I know I don't have OCD because my behaviour and feelings are not unwanted by me - the things I do make sense. My step mum has OCD and her compulsions are crippling for her at times. My behaviour isn't. The only compulsion I have that is unwanted is hair pulling (trichotillomania) which is a separate issue from the other stuff, and it is quite common, apparently, for people with certain disorders, to exhibit aspects of other compulsive behaviour.

He has also admitted it is hard work to talk to me when I get something stuck in my head, and he feels like he's repeating the same conversation for days and weeks at a time. I was upset, because I feel like I'm imposing on him now, although he's never shown it in all the time we've been together (or I've not noticed, I am a bit self absorbed tbh).

He isn't the only person who has mentioned my behaviour. Most people do. Some people who have experience with this type of thing have said they have noticed on first meeting me that my behaviour is a symptom of a personality disorder.

Still, I'm not really bothered by it. And I don't see the need to see a doctor because I manage perfectly fine. I'd feel a bit of a twat going to my doctor and saying "Well I do this, this and this, but it doesn't really bother me, what can you do?".

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here, but I feel better writing this down. Do you think I'm right to not bother with doctors? I just want to be left to do things my own way. So what if I'm different? I'm not hurting anyone. And more often than not my ways make more sense? At least to me. I can't see why anyone would think I'm wrong on most things?

I am totally biased but is it possible you have Aspergers or similar? Just the bit about repeating conversations struck a big chord here. The compulsion you describe would also be an unsurprising feature of it. Obviously that's not much to go on so I may be totally wrong!

Aspergers isn't a personality disorder anyway - it is a disability, but many see it as just 'the way they are'. I see it as the former though, but I am only just coming to terms with having it (I'm 25 and have my formal assessment for diagnosis next month) and it has massively impacted my life.

I want a diagnosis so I can get some help - hopefully CBT and access to support groups. I also want to make sure I am treated fairly at work or future job applications. I have already achieved some self acceptance through realising I have Aspergers - I had spent my whole life hating myself for being useless at so many things.

But from what I've heard it's incredibly difficult to get diagnosed with that sort of thing as an adult (I have been very lucky) - so if you aren't bothered, then don't! If none of it is upsetting you, I don't see what you have to gain from it. You are who you are and don't need a label - that's a good thing.

Which makes my waffly post a bit redundant really!

My mum actually suspected aspergers which is why she kept making me go. I didn't really talk to them that much though which made it a bit difficult for them, and it was said that I show more traits of someone with OCPD, than I do of someone with aspegers, the traits I show of aspergers are quite a strong feature in me, but something to do with the way or reason I do them? (Sorry if that doesn't make sense, I can't remember how exactly they put it) (OCPD and aspegers are similar in certain ways though).

I've also just realised from another thread on here.. I have these thoughts about my children dying. All the time. (Its why I don't sleep). I never thought of that as odd before because I thought everyone did it, so I've never mentioned it - obviously OH has noticed me checking on them but I don't think he realised not everyone does that either.

I've never been treated unfairly in a work place, but people in general don't much like me because they think I'm weird which I don't want to happen.

Apparently the unwanted thoughts about my children could be something to do with the PD, I know its common for people with one to have other compulsive behaviours. I never thought of them as that though. They're just horrible. I am shocked that my mind is capable of doing tat most of the time.

Yes I have that compulsion too, I still put my hand on DS' tummy several times a night to check he's breathing. He's 3 this month. I have those thoughts a lot, I haven't even dared look at the thread you mention!

You are right about O/Cs being common in Aspergers. Lots of things overlap with it. Some people have said I should look into hyperlexia, auditory processing disorder, attention deficit disorder and dyspraxia - it is very common to have more than one of these so it's not an outrageous suggestion, but I'm just getting the AS sorted for now as that is the label that covers most of my issues.

There is a support thread here on the mental health board called "adults on the autistic spectrum" - if you haven't already seen it, it might be worth a look if you're interested as there's lots of info and experiences on there. It may help you decide if it sounds like you or not. Again though, if you are really happy as you are, then there's no need to if you don't want to.

My daughter is 3 too, she sleeps in her own room but I still go in and check. Weirdly, the thoughts happen less when she's not with me (her dad and I aren't together, she lives with him during the week), I'd say twice maybe three times a month I message her Dad desperately needing him to reply because I've had some mad thought and am convinced something terrible has happened. Even talking about it now isn't bringing it on. But when she's with me I'm up and down checking, and with my son, who lives with us, I'm always like it (he's never been away from me).

I did wonder if its possible for AS traits to present in OCPD, as I present narcissistic traits with it. Most of my behaviour is consistant with OCPD - The rigidity, perfectionism in odd areas, not being able to let other people do things, cautiousness, pedantry, anxiety when things aren't done my way, or when I don't know exactly how something will happen, the narcissistic traits are just evil and I'm too ashamed to admit some of it, but thankfully the traits I seem to show most only affect me and just make me look an arrogant twat.

Then there are AS traits that could have been written about me - particularly the fixation on one thing - horses for me. I can talk about them for hours, and fail to realise I'm boring the pants off of the poor person listening lol.

Thankyou for talking to me, this is helping writing it down. Its all been in my head for so long and the frustration of other people pointing these behaviours out to me is sooo bad, but I feel better for writing it here.

I also thought I'd get laughed at hence the vagueness of the original post, so thankyou for taking me seriously too

The traits you list as OCPD are Aspie traits too. Don't know anything about narcissistic personality though. There's certainly a few bad thought patterns I have too, in a way I hope the psychologist doesn't dig too deep!

And you're very welcome. I love MN as there's usually somebody who has experienced what you are posting about! I too had wondered for years why I was so different, as I said I spent so much time hating myself. Things became much more apparent after I started work following years as a SAHM, suddenly I was forced to be around colleagues and customers all day, and this highlighted all the differences between myself and others. Eventually I got so sick of it (despite loving my job and succeeding at it) and wrote a long list. Posted it on MN under a title like "wtf is wrong with me" and several people suggested Aspergers - I knew a bit about it before then but had never thought to apply it to myself. But when I read more, it was like I had found my home planet.