AIBU to be furious with DP's psychiatrist?

[Theala]

Yes, I know this is not AIBU but I thought people here might be better able to tell me if I am or not and what I should do about it.

Background: We live in mainland Europe, and neither I nor DP are native to the country we live in. DP was diagnosed with Bipolar II around two months ago.

Shortly after this, he was told that he wasn't being kept on at his job, and he signed a letter acknowledging this. He was given two weeks' notice.
Just after, he saw his psychiatrist, who suggested that DP go on sick leave.
I sent the Psych an email (Pysch told me I could get in touch with him at any time by mail) asking if the fact that he signed the PFO letter would affect his right to go on sick leave. I enclosed a copy of the letter. Psych assured us repeatedly that it wouldn't.

Except we found out yesterday that it actually did, and no, he didn't have the right to go on sick leave and wouldn't be paid. DP rather predictably exploded, and feels that he's been fucked over let down yet again.

I am very angry that the Pysch didn't listen to my concerns, and didn't verify things properly before reassuring DP that everything would be fine. I (rather ill-advisedly) sent the Pysch a rather snitty email to this effect.

I've just got an email back from him to say that my problem is that I don't question my own part in things and that I should reflect on that before I come in to see him again.

I am both and now. I really feel that he's trying to shift the blame onto me for something that is actually his fault. If he had verified what I asked him to before telling DP that everything would be fine, DP would not now be in the state he is in.

Where do I go from here?

Oh, dear. I don't know I'm afraid - it depends on the employment laws where you are. The shrink was way out of order to imply "you are the problem". If it turns out that you & DP continue with the therapy, it might be worth opening your mind to exploring whether he had any sort of a point. But that's not the urgent issue.

It seems odd that you relied on a doctor to understand employment laws. Unless the country works very differently from the UK, that information should have been sourced from an employment law specialist, union, or even (as a last resort) his employer's HR. How have you fared with approaching the employer - or a lawyer - for reconsideration? I've got to say that looks like a long shot but, you never know, there may be more compassionate regulations in your country and/or the employer might decide to be nice.

Wishing you both good luck.

Well, the psychiatrist was so insistent that he was right and that DP did have the right to do this that we believed him. But we have since got info from employment law specialists who said he was wrong. This has now been backed up by the social security office here.

My "Where do I go from here?" comment was actually about how I get over being so furiously pissed off with the psychiatrist, though. DP is going to continue therapy with him, so I know I need to stop wanting to punch him in his stupid thick head get over my personal issues with him.

The psychiatrist wants you to be pissed off. You should not attribute wise motives to this (though he may have some).

It looks as if you, the shrink and DH are playing a three-handed transactional game in which the psychiatrist is positioned as an authority, while you and DH look up to him (cf: "Gee, You're Wonderful, Mr Murgatroyd"). When you unquestioningly follow his advice and get shafted, his response is to blame you for the problems in your life - DH's illness (I've forgotten which game this is, but it's partly "I'm Only Trying To Help You" and partly something else).

Many psychiatrists are Narcissists; it's a well-known fact in the profession. Rather unfortunate for DH if so, though there's no doubt they can cure certain types of problem so let's hope DH's is one of those. The standard advice when dealing with a game-player is to become aware of the "game" and simply not play. For instance, if you hadn't been drawn into this "game" you wouldn't have relied on a psychiatrist to know the terms of DH's employment.

As he is a psychiatrist, he will know of Berne's games so it may be interesting to call him out on it. That usually leads to worse problems, though, and more games - especially with a Narcissist.

Get the book; it's cheap and very informative :)

Look, I gave you a psychological reply because of the board we're on. When you boil this down to basics, DH had already accepted the lay-off and not many employers put an ex-employee on sick leave.

In this country, there would be some impact as to whether DH could claim JSA or ESA - but the doctor's letter would qualify him for ESA in any case I think, redundant or not.

The issue is that the psychiatrist claimed his letter would alter DH's redundancy - highly narcissistic of him, imo - but the other part of the issue is that you and DH believed him. This is why I think the three of you are in a TA game.

If you aren't up for questioning your inner motives or behaviours right now, just put it down to experience and make a note to get expert advice before investing your hopes in empty promises. Nevertheless, I recommend this book to everybody because we all get trapped in these games now and again!

Garlic, thanks for your replies! Sorry, I didn't see them before now.

I actually have that book from ages ago. I must give it another read.

I think you're right in that he (the Psy) does have narcissistic tendencies. He's already told DP (when I was there) "nobody works like I do".

And he also said in his email "had he consulted much earlier you would not be in this position today and the only thing I see is that I give you the time and care and at the first hurdle you go accusing me". That reads a bit weirdly as I've translated it directly, but I found it a bit of an odd thing to say, tbh.

I'm going to go read Berne now. I want out of this game.

Thanks again.

Oh, good luck! He does sound like a prat Poor DH.

Thanks. I think we need it. Fuck it. For a little while there, things were looking up. I should have known it was too good to be true.

things were looking up. I should have known it was too good to be true

Ahem, did I detect a "Little Old Me" there, gearing up for a game of "Ain't It Awful"?

I am v rusty on TA/Eric Berne but in principle I agree with garlic - that it's v peculiar for the psych to be so adamant that his correspondence would have any effect on the employer/employee relationship but I don't understand why you took his advice, as on the face of it, if the employee has in any way wrongly been pushed into accepting resignation/dismissal that would be an employment law matter. I have no idea what a PFO letter is mind!

Why does this always happen to me, Garlic?

A PFO letter is what we used to call rejection letters when we did interviews, TLP. Please Fuck Off, it stands for.

Why did I take his advice? Hmm, probably because I really wanted it to be true. I've been extremely stressed for rather a long time now and frankly, I need someone to throw me/us a rope. This was a trick rope, it turns out.

There is no suggestion that DP was wrongly dismissed - he was on a trial period, after the company he was working for was taken over by another, and they decided not to offer him a permanent role. In fact, they got rid of his entire department (of three people) as their working relationship had broken down to the point where they couldn't communicate properly anymore.

Dunno, Theala

Gawd, working in a small team of people who can't get on must have done DH's bipolar a world of good ... No wonder you're stressed! I do see what you mean about being anxious to believe Narc Shrink could provide a financial breathing space. He sounds completely up himself (shrink, not H) with his "You wouldn't be in this mess if you'd come to me first" and "After all I've done for you"! I hope DH isn't spending all his precious mental health time boosting the doctor's ego.

Are you going to raise it with DH? Or is just too fragile atm? It all sounds quite hairy for you, especially as you're in a different country. Sounds as though you're good with the language already, so that must help some? Do have a and with my best wishes!

Well, the people he worked with were immature bastards, and I really think they bullied DP dreadfully, but then again he's not the easiest person to share space with at times. But yeah, it's been over a year that his work situation, and thusly our home life, has been really really stressful. And it's not like it was a walk in the park before that either, tbh.

I don't think I will raise it with DP yet, though. The priority at the moment is to get him stable and he trusts Nark Shrink, so I'm not going to start voicing my doubts about him yet. The language barrier isn't a problem, but I think I do need outside support as well. I've just today found an Association for Bipolar people and their partners here in our city, so I might pay them a visit when they start up again in September. They might have more info about what, if any, other help or assistance we're entitled to.

Gah. Thank you for the wine and cake, garlic, and both of you for letting me rant.

yes, I think getting support for you is vital. I assumed PFO was some sort of european terminology or something rather than a rather apt informal term!

Can definitely see why you would want to believe "the expert", these people can be v authoritative...